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Rape & Complex PTSD

Discussion in 'Mental & Emotional' started by Survivor, Nov 15, 2004.

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  1. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Just wrote a thread & cut it
    Like my throat had I dared.
    It’s in these early hours I get
    an urge to escape.
    I use words here to exercise my
    true desires.
    To strike the truth like fires
    Only there is no one to put them out
    and all the while it’s my nervous system
    firing.
    Memories, threatening to be a deadly current
    Is this living if sedated?
    Is this telling when I dare not
    He
    Then
    He
    Then
    Then He
    And them
    Then them
    Then
    No me
    Then He
    Then years later He
    Then there was another he
     
  2. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    The shame of not wanting to exist
    The sadness that your the abyss
    The guilt that you may be missed
    The release from a life deformed
    The regret that the body is formed
    The reality that nothing can get better
    The grief from a drowning soul
    The dawning you don’t want to be recycled
    The murder that took too long to die
    The blaspheming need to express
    When you don’t even want to get dressed
    Where is the listening ear to an ear that listens
    Not another word to pass these lips
    There is nowhere over a rainbow that is by put strings of color, that detached the threads of me
    Raped to death decades apart
    I RIP my heart
    you don’t get too restart
    Rejoice the broken mind is free
    She’s dead as dead as dead can be
    Shut down the psychology
    withdraw the treatment in a flash
    dislocate the trauma jaw
    with no pressure in the heart
    Depart depart depart
     
  3. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Threats increased
    My peace must cease
    No protection
    My minds in sections
    Don’t tell
    My living is hell
    How’s this going to end?
    My fear is negotiating a hairpin bend
    Who can stop this?
    My trust in professionals is hit & miss
    Threats increased
    Will I end up deceased?
     
  4. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    The problem with a ring that’s tight
    Is all the circulation ceases
    The need is to have it cut off with a special tool
    But A & E don’t have what it takes
    There are many that are done with this for beep sake
    I’m not, I can’t it’s not a release
    To be found guilty according to the law
    Doesn’t go down well with the outlaw bikers
    Beyond repute, their threats are absolute
    Is my only control left to pull my own trigger?
    There is no protection for a victim past
    My fate is no authorities hands
    The underworld have much bigger plans
    Threaten me once & I’ll stand my ground
    Rape me twice & I’ll take the stand
    Call in the troops that have devoured me before
    I am not prey if I’m dead on the floor
    Kill me once you killed me twice
    I’m beyond conventional help
    The laws are bound by narrow tape
    Mark my words they will see it soon
    When I take the bullet or the knife wound
    The writings on the wall
    It’s 100 foot high
    This ring is at risk because of I
     
  5. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    a dozen lake has been disturbed
    The cracks are gliding over this icy grave
    Frostbite fingers & crunched up toes
    can I make myself comatose
    Let the ice melt & them swim to shore
    not yet a bit more a bit more
    This doggy paddle is no horses sadly
    No kings men to put me together again
    You want me to pull you out?
    Observer said you will let me go
    she says she’s only 10
    What’s that a sinking float
    A head that falls
    A gaze that stalls
    I’m cocooned in the biggest sea
    That for years has carried me
    A jump a dive a magical carpet ride
    will I even feel the water
    Will it make me shorter
    I kinda think it oughter
     
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  6. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    I could have screamed
    You walked right through me
    Your eyes have not changed
    You know I know
    Will it lift?
    This threatening mist
    Nothing has died
    It’s al alive
    It’s not over
    It will never be over
    Your tattoo is you
     
  7. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Dear me,

    Confession - I abuse you too!
    I’m not proud of what I do & it takes months for me to see me too. I’m trying to comfort myself & end up deformed.
    I literally shape shift from the mind into matter, eating drinking & not future thinking.
    Then I paralyze myself pain moves in & floods the space I have created.
    It’s killing you, I’m killing you, I’m filling you up & then deprive you for an equal time.
    I push your body till it’s out of time.
    I don’t plan the assault, I don’t just take you by surprise, I too am surprised; until I feel trapped inside with you & your stretched skin, the one I feel ashamed to be in.
    I’m in the wrong body then, or have I changed the body I had when traumatized so much I can’t feel the body when it was attacked?
    But it never works!
    Unconscious night you transform my body into that which is broken, that which is petrified.

    My promise to you is EMDR next week.
    Let’s hope we don’t loose each other forever or maybe that is exactly what we need to do?

    I don’t know what the other side looks like, hell I don’t believe it even exists.

    Until then hold on tight!

    X
     
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  8. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Tormented afflicted with great bodily or mental suffering.
    Do you wonder what effect you had on her life?
    Do you know you Killed her?
    No funeral for the fractured soul
    Oh she’s buried
    She won’t be resurrected
    No eater story to cure her crucifixion.
    Have you forgiven yourself?
    How did you do that?
    She’s still there where you left her
     
  9. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    A date a time a silent mime
    The feelings now move through me like slime
    The trepidation of the hostage taken
    Can you withdraw your weapons please?
    Can you recoil your vipers grin?
    Can you leave me somewhere so I can begin?
    I get it your above the law
    I get it you’ve made me a bed of straw
    I get it that lit match is heading for the floor
    Thunder lightening spook my horse
    Let it rise on legs like forks
    Let it be mighty.& still
    Before it’s hooves does kill
    A date, a time a silent mime
    No breadcrumbs left
    no tracks of mine
    For I was never made to walk in time
    Cogs ping & freedom smiles
    I have no white flag
    I don’t need no luggage
    I just get on board
    Around a bend & down a slope
    There I will cope
    X
     
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  10. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    That’s it
    It’s coming out
    I will not whisper
    when I can shout
    I can see me now
    Relieved
    My life no longer relived
    The threats are managed
    I’m in bullet proof glass
    My neck can rest from all that graft
    Watching over every shoulder
    Rehearsing like a frightened soldier
    Look there is a place to go
    To take the weight of my mind about to break
    Your given choices
    They hear each word
    They are trained to hear my little voice
    They realize that different men can curse
    Me & me & me & me & me & me &
    They saw my broken happy smile
    My muteness & in my denial
    All done, I’m ok, I won’t tell a soul
    I’ll rescue you & make you calm
    I’ll feel your knuckles & won’t hold my arm
    I won’t cry when you beat me down
    I’ve learnt that is how I get the crown
    I’m a good girl
    Just all singled out
    It’s ok I lost my shout
    When I caught the clout
    They are better for me
    They make me pure
    And if I can’t see your..
    Its ok I’m fine I will explain
    How men made noises in my brain
    clanging around in places, that makes me insane
    Do you know the worst is yet to come
    The things I avoided by biting my tongue
    I’m bleeding with teeth marks all around my mouth
    I’m clenching & retching all in one
    Stop now it’s all a dream theres no one who
    can hear me scream
    There’s no one in an open space
    that invites me to tell them face to face
    They don’t hear how often I lost the race
    The race to leave my body before I wanted to leave my life
    This time I am on the thinnest of ice.
    The world is not as it should be
    These terrors are haunting the bones of me
    Dr can you relieve this pain
    Dr can you make it stop
    Dr can you pass me a script
    To remedy these stains
    Waste ground bog come give me A break,
    can I lay face down & sink
    my breath in the sand
    let me lay down & curl up in a ball
    My fingers don’t protect my mouth anymore
    I’ve bitten down hard
    I’ve clenched & locked jaws
    I’m not mine so I can’t ever be yours
     
    #990 Survivor, Sep 30, 2020
    Last edited: Sep 30, 2020
  11. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    There angry at me
    I have made them sad
    I said what was bad
    I didn’t do what I was told
    How dare I be so bold
    I’d better run away
    Only this time I won’t stay
    It all too much
    To put together
    It’s a catalogue of pictures
    Screaming inside is deafening
    Hurting inside is crippling
    Most of all this fragmented mind is glistening
    It makes sense in a different realm
    I’ll blindly take the helm
    leaving shore radio deactivated
    grand escape participated
    No red shoes required
    Suffering retired
     
  12. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Can’t be in a relationship
    when I can’t relate
    Can’t be mute when
    life’s on the wrong route
    Can’ be settled when your minds PTSD’d
    Can’t be present when the days too dangerous
    Escaping more than being
    Checking out instead of in
    Worst realization is I can’t be married any more
    Can’t be apart of a domestic war
    32 years & nowhere to run
    This life is never won
    I’ll ask for the bill
    Because lying to me kills
     
  13. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    You don’t want me to remember
    My memory is scorched with red hot ember
    I know you
    I know your crime
    I know the scars you gave me at not mine
    I can’t heal with time
    Instead I recall all the while
    You wanted to shoot me
    Threatened to keep me
    Your not holding me down right now
    I can‘t stand I can barely walk
    My only choice now is to talk
     
  14. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Beautifully unfinished
    Beautifully unfinished
    Is how I want to be
    Clawing to an ending
    that honors her beauty
    Her face, her hope,
    She got up
    She stood tall
    Now her wish is to leave it all behind
    To accept the things she could not do
    Be proud of what she could
    Oh the end in sight is a beautiful surprise
    She thought laboring therapy would birth
    a new possibility
    But it would fragment a fragile soul
    This would make her ugly
    She could get lost & loose herself
    Beautifully unfinished is a glossy pic
    A promise of eternal bliss
    She deserves to rest her soul
    This way she has no more fear to toll
    Her nervous system is pretty fried
    Her legacy would become so untied
    Those around her would remember
    only the broken smiles, the screams,
    the tears the jolting fears.
    This way she can leave in her current state
    Releasing her from terrors gate
    A nervous system calm & still
    Thank god she took the road uphill
    A memory of taking the stand is enough
    Her children are grown her grandchildren too
    Look at everything she will leave
    Wealth that leave others at ease
    Places blessed with her hands craft
    Without the pain of future past
    Good luck, farewell my beautiful soul
    nothing to miss no one to hug
    They are hallow now like moulds of old
    If you can’t feel life why grow old
    Love, light & reiki hugs xxxx for the ones I loved
     

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