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Rape & Complex PTSD

Discussion in 'Mental & Emotional' started by Survivor, Nov 15, 2004.

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  1. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    The thing with stepping out alone is
    I want to keep walking alone
    The storm took so much
    I presumed when on the other side
    I would regroup
    Tonight it feels like I have no village,
    no tribe & am seeking a resolute
    that would quake the last piece of earth
    beneath me.
    Yet free my wings & feet.
    But to spread my wings now
    would call “la chasse”
    When I feel like a sitting duck.
     
  2. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Can I wean those who I nurse
    Will they come to no longer need
    Could they love me enough too
    This disappointment is so great
    It drills into my pelvic grate
    And I can’t feel the fire here
    any more.
    My wounds fester & j am
    treated like the court jester.
    I was naked in a public place.
    No one offered me a robe
    I bared all & was made to feel
    so small, I could have slid
    down the gutter there and then
    My body now causes me to
    feel the remnants of uninvited men
    this somatic won’t shift out of
    automatic.
    The pain is really debilitating.
    And still I rise
     
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  3. jnani

    jnani Well-Known Member

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    Dear survivor

    Court case in your favour, having a 'normal life', pouring your sorrow into these posts don't seem to lift it. Nothing seems to lift it
    Something should lift it. What is stopping it?
     
  4. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    From within the solitary confines of my mind
    I found a gap that led to here
    I found my words could send out a sign
    from within the solitary confines of my mind
    I didn’t notice the tally from within this thread
    The nights I tried to escape my head
    The burden of truth is what lies here
    The victim of crime kills time
    In the hope that the hands of time don’t
    kill you first.
    When no one heard, saw or felt the tremor
    that shook my childhood ground.
    The seismometer was my body.
    When men didn’t leave footprints on
    my skin, I mapped out their injuries
    with blades.
    I didn’t exist, my experiences where
    crimes I buried in the organs they
    bruised.
    These organs stalled & often called
    to be left to function differently.
    And as for my heart, it beats at times
    so fast it rhymes.
    Solitary confines I lost what I never found
    And now I am called to sleep
    Not all bulb bloom
    May I decompose in the confines
    of my mind
    I am not negative or down
    I’ am welcoming the comfort
    of becoming the compound
    of a star
    An excitement grows as
    my light is allowed to
    fade,
    The only a gift to me
    now is to be free!
    Finally I get an
    expiry date
     
    #964 Survivor, Jan 31, 2020
    Last edited: Feb 1, 2020
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  5. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Jack Frost saw me
    The rising sun warned me
    The mist hid me
    The cold froze me
    The tide stole me
    Nobody knows me
     
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  6. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Can you tell?
    Can you read between the lines?
    Can you understand the thin blue line?
    Can’t you see what I am trying to say?
    Can’t you hear me try to explain?
    Some crimes are bigger unexposed?
    Can you protect em?
    Can you keep my family safe?
    Don’t expect me to tell a local
    I’m not planning on going loco
    I’ve preserved this mind
    so it can remember & yet
    pickled it in fear it is suffering with
    dismember.
    I’m ready to speak, but who will hear?
    I’m cutting into a protective fear
    frankly I’ve had enough I’m
    spilling anyway & there’s never enough
    I’m not unsure I’m absolute
    This next chapter is about giving
    my selves an honorable salut
    Therapy to day caused my mouth to spout
    & I’m not very good now at stopping it
    all come out.
    I’m not tongue tied I’m seething with pain
    please don’t make me relive it all again & again
    It’s not for me to explain why I couldn’t
    They did & they shouldn’t!!!!
     
  7. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    And as she tried to close her eyes
    The mind began to twist & turn
    She had progressed through brambles deep
    The secrets now where becoming impossible to keep
    She would need to protest the need fo have protection that would help her grandchildren weep
    As she has progressed through the years she has born beings that have tears
    She is now in now in an awful mess
    How will they live without her nurturing chest
    She never meant to love them so
    She had vowed by now she would go
    She must now move far away & help her loved ones to stay
    Her task is nearly set in stone as words become a sentence that will live on
    Thankfully she will then be gone
     
  8. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    It’ is beneath thy feet that life feels vacant
    It is behind me that the earth feel uneven
    There comes a time of great force & muster
    That has me need to gather & cluster
    For I am about to face the end
    Of all that has my life suspend
    I am but a fallible soul, whose fate
    is written in an ancient place
    My forefathers gathered here
    Their descendent now is keeping clear
    How does the sand of time run out
    On a history that today will clout
    I know not what lays ahead
    I choose to leave the state to fate
    My answers are muted by stubborn folk
    While my questions remain in my throat
    I’m not rehearsing, I have no lines
    I’m stuck behind enemy mines
    I won’t raise a white flag
    I will do my best to hold my hand
    Come let’s seek a number of options
    As time may be left with a failed adoption
    Nights night no sleeping tight
    I’m preparing for another right
     
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  9. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Friday’s bullet is so much stronger
    As the weekend stunts a response
    Only this Friday the realization is
    that this bullet is fatal
    The truth is bleeding out
    & no one can contain it
    This is bigger than me.
    This is beyond me.
    I don’t have time
    I’m late for a very important date
     
  10. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    How long is forever?
    Sometimes just one second.
    Who wants to live forever?
    Wait a second.....
     
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  11. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    It’s oh so quiet
    The time has come
    As words are spilt
    So eyes will tilt
    As a heart finds
    another beat
    All the while
    looking for another
    seat
    I’d cry if I could
    But every muscle
    constricted
    I’ll hold my hand
    and hope my reality
    is not twisted
    or directed to the sea
    As all I want is to
    still have me
     
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  12. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    And so it is
    And so it was
    And so it will be
     
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  13. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    I’ll find a spell
    to sprinkle on my feet
    so I might prevent my fleet
    I’ll find a spell
    to pace my heart into
    a rhythm that marries peace.
    I’ll find a spell
    that wipes my
    mind.
    Wait! I’ll need a spell that
    helps me remember why
    I’m here.
    Cornices & alcoves
    skirting boards galore
    I am but a Maison
    without folk or knife
    Perhaps they are
    both too sharp
    I need a spell
    for invisibility quick
    pick
     
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  14. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Incommunicado
    Keeps my shoulders with my head
    ain’t a choice unless I wanna be dead
    I got the message as antelopes leap
    Reminding me of the connections
    that are designed to prevent me speak
    Lawless establishment with his merry men
    Your bows and arrows are bro ken
    Blood on your carpet, liars on your seats
    Have you ever considered disposing
    of your rape receipts.
    Two appearances in as many weeks
    Are you crouching to keep your head down low?
    Are you regrouping, to decide whose next to blow?
    Eeny, meeny, miny, moe
    Wouldn’t you like to know
    Yes I’m grinding your gears
    My life’s become neutral
    I’m not protected one iota
    This ends with an aorta.


     
  15. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Stirring a fire from a flicker
    My body has never felt sicker
    An incarnation of separation
    as well as a murderous exception
    Being left for dead & standing up
    leaves me in an arena.
    I’m not free I’m surrounded by
    those who are taken a back by
    my audacious stance.
    Only I’m not a gladiator
    A tailored fear suit has been
    delivered & it’s a perfect fit,
    it would be given they whittled
    me down to their measurements
    of a girl that wouldn’t be seen dead
    with them, so instead they made me
    look dead next to them!
    I’m stirring a flame from a flicker
    & if I rise from these ashes.....
     
  16. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    This reality is stifling my escape
    I’m confined with toils & snares
    while death strikes the blessed
    I bow my pain & then it gets up
    again.
    How dare it call me out of my
    slumber.
    I crave an ability to starve this
    killer.
    Inactivate my bodies range does
    not stop my minds rampage
    I’m dreaming of rooms I’ve been
    in before.
    I’m slamming crashing smashing
    doors.
    I can’t get out, then I can’t get out.
    I have dogs to 3am avoid, as they
    hear the slightest of sound.
    May I open the door?
    May I slip away?
    May I?
    I’ll cut away at these tenuous
    binds & will follow my
    intuitional signs.
    A calling at an impromptious
    time will put an end to this
    unharmonious time
     
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  17. Energylz

    Energylz Moody-rator ©
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    Keep safe Teresa, this will all come to an end soon I hope.
     
  18. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Covid 19 silences me, barricades routes & sets up diversions that lead back to A.
    It can be fuel for those who use power & control to keep their victims fearful of death, while also keeping them fearful of life. Worse it threatens to suffocate, choke or make me unconscious against my will.
    A tortuous twist at the end of the road I’ve been on.
    As two are locked away & I can breath.

    I’m not signing up to another episode let alone another series.

    Question is will another channel offer me a better deal?

    How do I switch channels?
     
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  19. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    I can’t I won’t I will I did
    How dare I think that I could
    I have I swear I told I cared
    How dare I think that I could
    I’m little your bigI’m honest you lie
    I hurt you laughed
    I don’t need to know why
    I’m brave your not
    You could I stood
    You coward I’m brave
    You master have no slave
    You never did I escaped
    I wasn’t present
    I never arrived
    God knows I barely survived
    I’m wasn’t alive
    I think that now
    I may try
    To raise my head & try to steer
    not into a career
    Maybe into me, the one who was
    used for fun
    And should I die before I awake
    know this, you made one almighty
    mistake
    You never had me you never did
    as I resisted so did you fake
    time with me was stolen & not a gift
    I am a treasure of which you are
    Forbid
    Is rejection something you can manage
    I mean your reaction did so much damage
    Did I tell you that to me your dead!
    There are a number of ones I accept
    rapist can rather head to hell fest
    it’s where you belong it’s your kinda thing
    Where you can fantasize about your Next of kin
    your power is a sin
    a figment of your imagination that is wearing thin.
    How’s your abode compared to the rapist road
    Did you get stopped from venturing further
    Good, your rancid smile is better matched within your
    rapist attire
    A side kick bloke a rapist too
    I am now done with you & you
    I’ll never know who else was there
    Who saw me there or dragged my hair
    I was no present to you sick mind
    I wasn’t present when defiled
    Your wicked smirk your dirty smile
    I wish you nothing, you cant settle a zero score
    I hope your happy in your surroundings
    I am not gleeful in mine
    I will very ever do more time
     
  20. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Brush up the pieces
    with all the added grime
    add it to the bin of other crime
    Take it to a refuge
    I can’t throw these human parts away
    Take them to a refuge
    I can’t it didn’t happen today
    Take them to forensics
    I can’t the victims nearly dead
    Take them & them to bed
    I can’t until the rest is said
    I’ve picked up all the pieces
    with added grime
    I’ve got nowhere to put them
    I can’t scatter them incomplete
    I am so desperate to speak
    This next chapter I thought I had room to keep
    I can’t carry all these parts
    I can’t take them anywhere
    I’m out of options
    I have no care plan
    But I do care for a plan
    A child would be given a care plan
    A we can help you tell plan
    A they can’t hurt you now plan
    But they can plan
    They can hurt plan
    They can plan you don’t tell plan
    I’ve reached a hall of mirrors & I hate what I see
    Smashing them won’t set me free
    Locked down has no key
    7 days & I am free
     
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