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Rape & Complex PTSD

Discussion in 'Mental & Emotional' started by Survivor, Nov 15, 2004.

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  1. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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  2. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    I kept my distance, it was not by choice & lost a life full of friends.
    I’m still in hiding, the fact those who broke me, broke my ability to feel good enough to be in social company. Social destruction, soul consumption, rape is more than physical, more than emotional, its life shattering. I’m not worthy! I’m ostracized by denial & deprived of socializing by rapist propaganda. Isolated, disconnected, I’m not long for this world.

    Held captive for 3 decades, release triggers panic, as I recall the last time I felt like venturing out, I never returned. I thought I might one day be free & of late I accept I never will. Some endings should be celebrated, for only in death can I return to source.

    6D9C75B0-6F9F-42B6-89A9-5D1AC1E51D82.jpeg
     
  3. jnani

    jnani Well-Known Member

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    Dear Teresa
    I got the impression that therapy was working for you...
    Your posts still burdened by it.
    Death is the end of all suffering as we know in this world true. One dies when death comes. Every second until then is about living
    May this despair move
    Again, help is available when you feel you can put this burden down. I can't help but say it
    Love
     
  4. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Jnani I’m in specialist therapy & have moved mountains, your comment would suggest otherwise.
    This is not procrastinating recovery, This is paced professional persistence, PTSD holds the time key.
    Opinions about how long it takes me evaporate before my ears. As facts about the scenes that destroyed me, are still rising to interfere with my being today. Anyone who can’t tolerate the time it takes, has thankfully never had a complex web of perpetrators, sow seeds of destruction in them as a child. If you had asked what I am stuck on right now, it would be the night terrors that have me wake trying to remove my tongue out of mouth as I’m choking on one man while another rapes me. I’m stuck because I lost consciousness at this point of my attack & I never got that 15 year old back.
    My conscious mind has no control over this & suggesting it will suddenly shift out of my psyche when I “put this burden down” is a suggestion without instruction. Because I’ve been trying to get these men out of me for 31 years & in the last 2 years have been working extensively to safe guard myself from further psychosis as a result of previous attempts to work through the onslaught of PTSD symptoms. The rate of suicide among those with PTSD is surely attributed to public perception that we are simply not wanting to move on or that we are not strong enough to come to terms with it. What we come to terms with daily, is PTSD is terror grooves in our brain, coupled with, in my case a substantial ring of perpetrators that left their mark in me, unwhiytingly tapping into trauma grooves etched into my psyche throughout my childhood. In my case putting my burden down, looks like being alive. Your putting me down while I am maanaging to do this one day at a time, looks like many non-informed onlookers do & yet as a follower of this thread I had thought you to be quite informed.
    I apologize for mamy reasons I am not permitted to widen your knowledge of my situation & what is shared here is minimal in detail. But your comment has released one here. I’m mindfully living through what many disassociate & medicate away from, I have been one of those many, I’m not weak or choosing to stay burdened, I’m stronger than I could ever believe & believe you me what I’ve been subjected to should have taken my life while I endured it & then the ring should have felt so tight & lased with murderers that I take my life to remove it.
    When I wake, when I sleep the ring of threat is the first thing I feel & despite it I rise. And with its tightening more each day, I use its pain to work in child protection. Knowing that there’s not a child I support that doesn’t feel the threat that they shouldn’t breath a word of what they are saying. Every picture I draw is a defiance in me, I paint in lead the terror inside me head, as speaking freely still feels, to do so means I will be dead.
    I rise here, I fly here & as my tag line says my conscience can soar here.
    And I do so with clipped wings.
    Jnani think twice before you shoot your opinions at one who is miraculous.
    For they may not be beneath you or above you, but rather precisely where they are meant to be right now.
     
    #944 Survivor, Mar 24, 2019
    Last edited: Mar 24, 2019
  5. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    I’ve got you!
    93CE76F7-0AAE-42D1-86D1-BD8C22A41D32.jpeg
     
  6. jnani

    jnani Well-Known Member

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    Hi Teresa
    There are over 75000 views to rape surviving and hundreds of replies since 2004. I know you remain anonymous and for good reasons but there is a picture that your posts conjure up in the readers' mind. When you put something out there on internet it is no longer your alone, it is public ( well all those who read, regularly or occasionally like myself). For that moment and beyond it becomes part of reader's consciousness too. There is a response to things we read, hear, see. I respond. I don't mean to anger you although that can be helpful at times.

    People say what they believe is helpful from their perspective. All opinions are miraculous shootings...

    You would be right about me being ignorant.

    I was reading earliest of the posts on this thread. The mood, energy despair remains exactly the same. I feel it is more intense now, and it was intense back then

    When I help a trauma ptsd person. Over their time with me how I suss if they are getting over it, is by noticing changes even if subtle, in their energy. That translates in myriad ways such as their memories, words, expressions.


    I can't help but express that no matter how deep intense and painful an experience is, the way out of it is quick and almost instant. This I say from my personal pain as well as the pain shared with me by others. I help ptsd sufferers from time to time. Firemen, victims of abuse, incest. It does go away.

    I am saddened that you feel undermined or put down or find yourself in a position to explain anything. I am nudging. It comes from a place that can't be further from judgement or separation. I am talking to you. It's a dialogue.


    I had 6 years of intense trauma in my life and I spoke, cried and expressed myself to my heart's content. There was always more next day. Friends were kind they were there listening. Then one day one of them shut me up. I was shocked challenged, upset but that one friend was pivotal to me finding my power.

    We all have clipped wings time to time. You are not alone. And please this is not undermining you or your pain. But I feel you are regurgitating the same pain, vibe, same trauma....it is seldom helpful

    I would love to see the mountains that you have moved translate into your musings here. It will pool in the healing of your situation from all those who read. A rant but a little progress too. Morevrant, more steps forward....onwards and upwards

    Best wishes
     
  7. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Your right Jnani I shouldn't share this with the public.
    I will not contain myself here again.
     
  8. jnani

    jnani Well-Known Member

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    It's your thread. You share to your heart's content, as you do. Let's also know of the forward movement, even if minuscule, that happens along your journey. It will give the readers hope for you. It will be beautiful to hear shifts, positive changes, how you leave the hell behind and embrace the free you, even if very very little at a time.

    Everything is a vibration. Pooling in that vibe may even empower you and your readers. We would know that it's budging and you are winning, even if an iota at a time
     
  9. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    It’s in my darkest state
    I disappear

    I lasted 7 months here HP & it is fitting on this anniversary I call it a day.

    Thank you Energlz for extending my space this long.
    If only I could share what I face ahead of me.
    But I have exposed too much here already.

    “My clipped wings can’t fly but my consciousness can soar”

    Doesn’t fit here either

    So I will provide my parting comment

    “As a trauma mortal that walks dead, I am humbled by what I never said. Alice “it’s impossible, Energlyz “Only if you think it is”

    The final chapter does not belong in cyber world


    Love, light & reiki hugs X
     
  10. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    I sneak in to this thread 2:01am 14th December 2019.

    I can’t speak freely here I know
    But I am retuning to myself
    In the hope that something
    so unimaginable can sink
    in!
    Two of my rapists have
    been found guilty after 31 years.

    If only I could meet my 15 year old self
    to tell her. She needs to be released,
    but she is scared & doesn’t believe me.

    I thought she would be happy, but she
    is focused on the ring & not the coupling
     
  11. Energylz

    Energylz Moody-rator ©
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    That is good news. It must have been an ordeal to go through that process but the justice system has proven it's worth it, even if just to have it proven and known and acknowledged that it happened.

    Your 15 year old self, knows it's true, but like someone winning the lottery, it will take a little time for it to sink in.

    Reiki Hugs
     
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  12. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Others expect relief
    I expect an imminent appeal
    Others expect relief
    This still doesn’t feel real
    Others expect relief
    I have a life sentence
    Others expect relief
    I have more to tell
    Others say “YOU CAN PUT IT ALL BEHIND YOU!”
    My mind hasn’t left court yet.
    Others say “YOU CAN PUT IT ALL BEHIND YOU!”
    My body is hurting like it just happened.
    Others say “YOU CAN PUT IT ALL BEHIND YOU!”
    How do you do that exactly?
    Others say “You must be happy it’s all over”
    It’s not over!
    I am drawing desperate to down load the scenes, feelings, shock, horror & the grind of a court room
    with two defense lawyers going on & on & on.
    I’m still in the court & don’t know where I live, what I wear or how to dress my hair.
    I am at some level grateful it has been written in history factually!
    I guess this will take time to sink in.
     
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  13. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    And so when the silence is no longer forbidden, it is!
    There is not a court in the world that can preserve me.
    No man or women to protect me!
    No law to spare me!
    They still own me!
    They took my evolution, so I have no metamorphosis!
    I have felt the razor wire from my perimeter fence & one step over & I am dead.
    No figure of speech no expression oblique.
    I’m breathing in air that is totally fabrique.
    My mortal being is not released & my wishing have ceased.
    Justice is not a skeleton key that releases me, it’s a how dare you stand up to me, to us to everybody.
    Back in the floor where you belong
    deadened by the actions of more than the.
    And with the most sinister smirk, they sneezed a penalty of a perpetuated choke.
    They are still in my
    Mouth, my private’s & stopped for a smoke. They could invite whom ever they pleased & I would be without consciousality!
    A word that could almost pronounce me dead!
    Only I am still breathing instead!
    Don’t mistaken me to be lacking gratitude, rather I need the aptitude
    to expose the corners of what happens to me. Even if there was not eventuality.
    What if I just spill what will you do?
    I mean could you really make me exist?
    Or are you some sick messed up nothing with strength measured by tea spoons?
    I’m not permitted to exist beyond this momentous time.
    How do I then take this life of mine?
    The truth is growing. It’s greenhouse roof space, only I am in no race.
    I want to stop & take time out!
    But I can’t for as long as you all roam about.
     
  14. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    So much is not acknowledged
    The community intact
    I on the other hand am feeling over lacked
    So much left unanswered
    The community intact
    I on the other hand am feeling left in the dark
    So much is not exposed
    The community intact
    So much for collating all the facts
    The community intact
    I on the other hand feel raped by rats
    So much for protection to explain the ring around
    I am on the other hand consumed with pictures clear

    This experience has not made me feel safe enough
    to be sure I will still breath!
     
  15. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Every had a conversation with your self?
    It’s frightening when opinionated, defiant & childless.
    That’s my experience when so distressed I don’t know what to do. I have action energy like I can walk for miles, no matter my injuries, no pain at the time, no responsibilities, I am 15 & recently this 15 ya old has been very brave & stood in a court room.
    She felt safe, there where ushers & a judge.
    She was shown exhibits that shocked her heart & she could not hide the pain, the strike, the blow, the oh no!
    31 years since she saw that place.
    So days after & I had an argument, I got up & walked to what my family believed was bed. Only I had walked down stairs, put my coat on & walked out of the house resolved to the fact that I may never be back.
    I walked feeling cold & confused into clarity of mind & mission. I was now going to walk to a destination, but avoiding public highways.
    I would avoid anyone ever working out where I was.
    I stopped at a chemist & made a purchase.
    I then went to buy socks as I knew I needed to keep my feet warm so not to perish before I got to my destination. I buy a water to help me take my tablets & look at the shop petrol attendant with a smile, thinking he has no idea what I am about to do. I leave feeling pleased he didn’t.
    I become hyper vigilant & suspicious about everyone I see.
    I avoid them, double back & then walk down onto the beach so no one can see me.
    I’m walking towards the water & the conversation begins. I am 15 speaking to my adult self, justifying the insatiable need I have to walk to the light through the water, the flash light was highlighting the way.
    My adult self suggests I head back to the promenade.
    Only this request is definitely not a priority!
    The images in my head are mapping out my destination like I am already in it and just need to actualize the mechanics as to what I need to do.
    I’m now in water only I can’t feel it & the sand has turned to mirror reflective water & I don’t know which way to go to get out of water.
    Is the tide coming in or going out? I circle towards & away from the sea line & am unaware how much time passes doing this highly charged marching.
    Circling & then I get so frustrated I turn to the sea & ask it what it wants with me?
    I begging to shiver & cry, I’m frightened & alone on a lowering tide. I am confused why I am there & yet feel a huge amount of grief.
    I see another route I can t y to get out to the location a HAVE to get too........

    There’s a chapter that haunts me & yet beckons me.
     
  16. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    So much to come to terms with
    Especially as the terms have been written by so many.
    The court room wasn’t occupied by me
    For I was occupying my memory
    At the points two worlds collided
    I was lost & didn’t know where to begin
    Only to find I had been there for some time
    And with questions like magnets to tether
    me to a different time
    I was gone again.
     
  17. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    There is something about the bend I just took.
    It shook every single person I know off me & I could step out alone.
    I haven’t felt so sturdy on my feet before.
    I wanted & needed for no one but myself.
    It was in that moment I found myself, right there.
    We were alone throughout & yet on the stand we were together ❤️
     
    #957 Survivor, Dec 27, 2019
    Last edited: Dec 27, 2019
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  18. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Abracadabra
    Abracadabr
    Abracadab
    Abracada
    Abracad
    Abraca
    Abrac
    Abra
    Abr
    Ab
    A
     
  19. Energylz

    Energylz Moody-rator ©
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    Happy New Year Teresa - I hope things can continue to progress positively for you
     
  20. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    (((Giles))) Happy New Year to you!

    I feel very hopeful & extremely anxious that I am in a new decade. That the hand of time has shook my hand & said the last 4 decades are sealed.
    And I am shown a landscape ahead with the biggest brightest paint brush you could ever imagine &
    I will raise it high & sweep it low, as my life begins to grow & grow.
    I have my lead & graphite too to print out some demons still in my head.
    BUT 2020 is such a perfect shape, it would be rude to ignore the path it is begging me too take.
    Hey watch this space x
     
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