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Discussion in 'Mental & Emotional' started by Survivor, Nov 15, 2004.
I kept my distance, it was not by choice & lost a life full of friends.
I’m still in hiding, the fact those who broke me, broke my ability to feel good enough to be in social company. Social destruction, soul consumption, rape is more than physical, more than emotional, its life shattering. I’m not worthy! I’m ostracized by denial & deprived of socializing by rapist propaganda. Isolated, disconnected, I’m not long for this world.
Held captive for 3 decades, release triggers panic, as I recall the last time I felt like venturing out, I never returned. I thought I might one day be free & of late I accept I never will. Some endings should be celebrated, for only in death can I return to source.
I got the impression that therapy was working for you...
Your posts still burdened by it.
Death is the end of all suffering as we know in this world true. One dies when death comes. Every second until then is about living
May this despair move
Again, help is available when you feel you can put this burden down. I can't help but say it
Jnani I’m in specialist therapy & have moved mountains, your comment would suggest otherwise.
This is not procrastinating recovery, This is paced professional persistence, PTSD holds the time key.
Opinions about how long it takes me evaporate before my ears. As facts about the scenes that destroyed me, are still rising to interfere with my being today. Anyone who can’t tolerate the time it takes, has thankfully never had a complex web of perpetrators, sow seeds of destruction in them as a child. If you had asked what I am stuck on right now, it would be the night terrors that have me wake trying to remove my tongue out of mouth as I’m choking on one man while another rapes me. I’m stuck because I lost consciousness at this point of my attack & I never got that 15 year old back.
My conscious mind has no control over this & suggesting it will suddenly shift out of my psyche when I “put this burden down” is a suggestion without instruction. Because I’ve been trying to get these men out of me for 31 years & in the last 2 years have been working extensively to safe guard myself from further psychosis as a result of previous attempts to work through the onslaught of PTSD symptoms. The rate of suicide among those with PTSD is surely attributed to public perception that we are simply not wanting to move on or that we are not strong enough to come to terms with it. What we come to terms with daily, is PTSD is terror grooves in our brain, coupled with, in my case a substantial ring of perpetrators that left their mark in me, unwhiytingly tapping into trauma grooves etched into my psyche throughout my childhood. In my case putting my burden down, looks like being alive. Your putting me down while I am maanaging to do this one day at a time, looks like many non-informed onlookers do & yet as a follower of this thread I had thought you to be quite informed.
I apologize for mamy reasons I am not permitted to widen your knowledge of my situation & what is shared here is minimal in detail. But your comment has released one here. I’m mindfully living through what many disassociate & medicate away from, I have been one of those many, I’m not weak or choosing to stay burdened, I’m stronger than I could ever believe & believe you me what I’ve been subjected to should have taken my life while I endured it & then the ring should have felt so tight & lased with murderers that I take my life to remove it.
When I wake, when I sleep the ring of threat is the first thing I feel & despite it I rise. And with its tightening more each day, I use its pain to work in child protection. Knowing that there’s not a child I support that doesn’t feel the threat that they shouldn’t breath a word of what they are saying. Every picture I draw is a defiance in me, I paint in lead the terror inside me head, as speaking freely still feels, to do so means I will be dead.
I rise here, I fly here & as my tag line says my conscience can soar here.
And I do so with clipped wings.
Jnani think twice before you shoot your opinions at one who is miraculous.
For they may not be beneath you or above you, but rather precisely where they are meant to be right now.
I’ve got you!
There are over 75000 views to rape surviving and hundreds of replies since 2004. I know you remain anonymous and for good reasons but there is a picture that your posts conjure up in the readers' mind. When you put something out there on internet it is no longer your alone, it is public ( well all those who read, regularly or occasionally like myself). For that moment and beyond it becomes part of reader's consciousness too. There is a response to things we read, hear, see. I respond. I don't mean to anger you although that can be helpful at times.
People say what they believe is helpful from their perspective. All opinions are miraculous shootings...
You would be right about me being ignorant.
I was reading earliest of the posts on this thread. The mood, energy despair remains exactly the same. I feel it is more intense now, and it was intense back then
When I help a trauma ptsd person. Over their time with me how I suss if they are getting over it, is by noticing changes even if subtle, in their energy. That translates in myriad ways such as their memories, words, expressions.
I can't help but express that no matter how deep intense and painful an experience is, the way out of it is quick and almost instant. This I say from my personal pain as well as the pain shared with me by others. I help ptsd sufferers from time to time. Firemen, victims of abuse, incest. It does go away.
I am saddened that you feel undermined or put down or find yourself in a position to explain anything. I am nudging. It comes from a place that can't be further from judgement or separation. I am talking to you. It's a dialogue.
I had 6 years of intense trauma in my life and I spoke, cried and expressed myself to my heart's content. There was always more next day. Friends were kind they were there listening. Then one day one of them shut me up. I was shocked challenged, upset but that one friend was pivotal to me finding my power.
We all have clipped wings time to time. You are not alone. And please this is not undermining you or your pain. But I feel you are regurgitating the same pain, vibe, same trauma....it is seldom helpful
I would love to see the mountains that you have moved translate into your musings here. It will pool in the healing of your situation from all those who read. A rant but a little progress too. Morevrant, more steps forward....onwards and upwards
Your right Jnani I shouldn't share this with the public.
I will not contain myself here again.
It's your thread. You share to your heart's content, as you do. Let's also know of the forward movement, even if minuscule, that happens along your journey. It will give the readers hope for you. It will be beautiful to hear shifts, positive changes, how you leave the hell behind and embrace the free you, even if very very little at a time.
Everything is a vibration. Pooling in that vibe may even empower you and your readers. We would know that it's budging and you are winning, even if an iota at a time