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Rape & Complex PTSD

Discussion in 'Mental & Emotional' started by Survivor, Nov 15, 2004.

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  1. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    I've never been so frightened
    My jaw is tense & my my thoughts immense
    con you hold my hand
    Can you take the lead
    Can you gems out of thiese Rapids
    I'm a coward self confessed
    My courage seems rather bereft
    I'm not a leader while in emotional turmoil
    I'm no force to be reckoned with
    I'm just a girl whose life is
    Is it sinful to want release
    From the most difficult rive
    He who sort release in me
    Cursed me for eternity
    I'm coming to terms with this sentence
    Aw emergency exits exist
    I just wish I could stay with my loved ones
    This I am not yet to know
    If we all are abandoned
    Abandoned we must be
     
  2. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Frequencies that fry my mind
    connections that limit my freedom
    self doubt a serrated edge
    That I can't soften
    Too many parts to me
    & some lost makes my
    lifes puzzle impossible to
    put together into the bigger picture
     
  3. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Denial abandoned me today
    As I fought to be ok
    The shiver of reality down my spine
    pulled the rug from under my feet
    Standing on deflect over stilts
    Was always going to be a tall
    order to maintain.
    Shocked by how floored I was
    Makes me realise the drop
    I can't say it
    I'll be ok
    I'll derail this run away train
    before I approach the blockade
    A goal to vast
    What was I thinking
    Compartments remain contained
    No at ease is forthcoming
    I realise it's the ring that is still
    around me
    Like vultures waiting to feed
    How do they know the start circling?
    how do they know where I am?
    My tongue has gone into hiding
    My mind is assessing the risk
    Abort strength, courage & hope
    Same old cut throat
    Panic is clipping my wings
    Request to exit ones environment
    no greener grass required
    Just a place & a space that can
    contain my leaky mind
    I'm leaking & spilling
    then altogether not willing
    to remain in limbo
    is rather lost in space
    No window of reintroduction
    This is the reoccurring nightmare
    as I have an impossible task
    Whose going to listen anyway?
    No one to trust
    No where to stay
    Time your killing me today
     
  4. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    My heart has sunk
    As others feel the need to take control
    I've pleaded that they consider my need to contain
    Yet their need it seems is bigger than mine
    I can't believe I've come so far
    Only to be subjected to professional opinion
    I'm 15 I'm not a professional
    At 15 I couldn't trust any professional
    I'm just a girl whose waited 3 decades to be strong enough to break out of this ring!
    Now those around me will force me straight back in.
    How can I expand, how can I explain, when everyone around me believes they have it all.
    My data in their hands, minds & laps.
    Waving it in my face, snatching it & ramming it into place,
    Only its not words, it's my whole body, mind & being.
    Being forced, ignoring my no, is ruining my ability to continue. I beg don't tell me & explain I feel threatened.
    They don't get this redacted snippet of me
    is a toe in the water of so many systems.
    And I conclude they couldn't help me then & they can't help me now.
    It's over, with one too many heavy boost
    Stamping on my traumatic youth.
    You have a need to do your job & bulldozer through my life.
    I don't have a say, I'm owned by the state that didn't know I existed.
    And now using my history to smack my wrists.
    There's no empathy or compassion
    my dread has reached an all time high
    As professional opinion has broken my stance
    It has taken away my very last chance!
    Im shocked & devestated it's all gone
    I can't break the news to my family
    Their lives put on hold for what feels like an entirety
    and for what?
    No debrief, no explanation, just a string of prioritised destruction.
    This is insane, it's beyond belief how can I just be severed?
    I can't give justice to this soul destroying blow inside
    I can't comprehend, I'll never understand
    How can I have bee strung along for so long?
    I feel inverted, I feel disassembled & I can't be put together again ever, ever, ever.
    What do I do? Where do I go from here?
    My whole life suspended, only to be completely annihilated.
    It just so,sad, such a waste, such a terrible end
     
  5. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    And from my disempowered position
    What a difference a therapy session can make.
    It all makes sense now!
     
  6. Energylz

    Energylz Moody-rator ©
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    Sounds promising. A good session then?
     
  7. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Yes Giles!

    It's astounding how far I fall the more empowered I become.
    The empowerment suddenly exposes more disempowerment & when it does, I am blind to how far I have come.
    I become stuck in the memory of disempowerment &
    have not been able to use mindfulness to ground me out.
    But my therapist helped me practise a technique to do exactly that.
    At least I have more work for this week & mindfulness class last night means I am still ploughing on, all be it at times I feel like I'm wading through a swamp.

    I never knew the further I pull away, would cause the furthest of falls.
    And then in doing so it is like the magnet of a ring of people who don't ever want me to be empowered.

    I just can't recognise it when I'm in it & therefore my therapy is vital.

    Thank you for standing beside my highs & lows
    It's a daily challenge & HP is a car park for all of my fear & confusion.

    Love & light
    Teresa
     
  8. Energylz

    Energylz Moody-rator ©
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    There or some people who fear change, and that includes change in others, so when they see it, they will resist or restrain.

    Like a piece of metal being bent back and forth, eventually their resistance will weaken.

    ;)

    G.
     
  9. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    I hope they let me go
    I hope my lack of trust doesn't let me go
    I can't believe
    I can comprehend
    It feels like a false end
    A trick
    An invite to disappear
    This is just the beginning
    Yet no body knows
    How can I begin to disclose
    Lightning strikes more than twice
    They don't see the veiled threat
    The ones that are sewn into my head
    How can I?
    Who would believe?
    They are unique
    The theme is
    It's me they break
    I thought a straight path
    Would path the way
    I'm now reminded of who got in the way
    No one gets it
    They are invisible
    Clear cut is not the a sure thing
    How progress feels like starting from the beginning
    Have I come full circle?
    Am I heading for the the vipers nest
    One things for sure
    I'm not heading for rest
     
  10. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    And now is when all the bricks fall
     
  11. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    She's sits & stares
    how many now want to follow her lead?
    They won't get the same reception
    They will be split
    To cower or to gain some grit?
    But if they do now
    The journey is doomed
    Yet with facts that await their freedom
    I can understand the powerful questions
    Like how the hell am I not going to reveal
    When I am given the invite to heal?
    The ring is not just a metaphor
    As it shrinks & muscles in.
    It's like a gaggle of screaming kids
    Waiting for their voice to matter
    at a time that would shatter!
     
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  12. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Words like shields are falling
    Drawings like maps are stalling
    There's nothing I can use to buffer
    This concave is a memorable suffer
    Please don't let it suffocate me
    My energy lowering matches my tolerance
    My cowardness surfaces
    as my self esteem dives deep
    This is when I loose all communication with
    the outer world
    When my inner world glitches & mechanical
    memory grinds to an alternative to halt
    It keeps twisting & turning & my pelvic is burning
    and there, right in my core is the decaying of who
    I could have been.
    Time has not been kind, to the children in my mind
    Nor to the vessel who carries them.
    Time has slipped, stopped, glitched & run.
    All the while never when I wanted it to & always when I couldn't make them stop.
    Time would freeze frame tick tock, as my bones cringed & my childhood crumbled.
    Abuse makes time estrange
    till I become my own stranger
    Imagine not wanting to meet yourself
    not wanting to reach or be absorbed into self.
    I daily wring myself out, so there is less of me to feel
    I've learnt to avoid myself, so someone obeys my NO!
    Only now I can't say yes to me
    Me has been separated for too long
    I dreamt of this day to come
    When I went to trauma sites & gathered me all up.
    Tonight I have a nauseating voided sting
    that gnaws into my tummy
    followed by an ice cold chill that trickles down my spine
    I've been without me so long
    I'm no longer mine
    The bread crumbs I've referred to, are peices of me.
    Only I was never breaking them off.
    I've rather become obsessed by where they fell
    & i've been trying to retrace my falls, but instead I have been
    to hell & there is no back.
    PLEASE DON'T STEAL MY WORDS FROM HERE
    THEY ARE ALL I HAVE OF ME WHEN I LOOK BACK
    I'm pretty sad I have to make them public
    but without them being seen I don't exist at all.
    I know many will want to put me right on the literal plain.
    But what I'm trying to express is I'm never ever going to be whole again.
     
  13. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Je cherche un endroit pour m'échapper
    un endroit qui n'a pas de chemin pour moi
    où je peux fermer les yeux et me reposer
    où mon seul destin peut être je ne me réveille jamais.

    X
     
  14. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    sahayog pradaan karana
    mera ek aur roop jabaradastee hai
     
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  15. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    HP
    You've seen me through so much
    Mercy cries & voids a plenty
    But now a storm of silence
    Forces me into my most difficult time
    As suppression is a mighty drain
    I am so frightened a catatonic state is looming
    My words today have turned to stone
    A disconnection from those around
    causes me to seek lower ground.
    Lost is how I'm feeling
    Not in the world but from myself
    As I abandon all my inner children
    for fear their voices get too loud
    Words here are to be few
    while words inside are scorching my insides
    I've found a voice so strong it has to hide.
    And yet to a GP this week a history frankly
    Fought its way out.
    It was shocking to hear me say the facts
    they came alive & smashed my denial out of place.
    The dam is leaking I can't control the free flow
    hence from here I must go.
    The need to share here is greater than ever
    The spokes of life have impaled deep
    My fight now is not to speak
     
  16. Energylz

    Energylz Moody-rator ©
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    It's probably a good thing that you are able to speak about it with your GP, as they'll be able to help you in any way they can.
    Whether you continue to express yourself on here or not, is entirely up to you.
     
  17. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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  18. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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  19. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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  20. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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