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Rape & Complex PTSD

Discussion in 'Mental & Emotional' started by Survivor, Nov 15, 2004.

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  1. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Brain waves clash with too much of that
    Did you hear that?
    The sound of a life breaking before it begun
    Did you see that?
    She was in the longest cycle of terror
    it all stopped & the the spin kicked it
    Pumping out she's drained, she's drained!
    Did you feel that?
    As she convulses & begs it to stop
    she turns & twists to release her throat
    it's anxiety provoking to see when she relives it in front of her he.
    Is she breathing?
    Oh I'm alive yet not inhaling
    I'm buried alive in men's ego pride
    Your domination of this body is
    a personal terror attack
    Devices planted not in,a hold all bag
    But inside my body with the hailing
    Take that
    Terrorist of the raping kind
    Joined forces fo invert infiltration
    You gave secrets to me I was never
    old enough to comprehend
    When terrorists have already bombed
    your insides
    Tell me how do I get on its my life?
    I still feel the explosion
    The chaos with no where to run
    I'm the target they stormed my building
    Of flesh & blood.
    They broke through barriers
    designed to keep them out
    Now their faces, their voices, are
    like wires that get to me every time
    Such desasters don't leave your mind
    Especially when the venue is your souls
    bodily ride
     
  2. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    I'm in here
    We are in here
    One bigger than smaller covers her up
    She's hollow too
    She doesn't notice she's put me in the dark
    Bigger than me is bigger than three
    She has kept 3 in the dark
    We are all hollow except number 1
    We are so frightened we are all in two parts
    Our shells are left in the past
    We have found 3 sets now, at least
    We are in close proximity
    But not so that we can see each other
    If we do that we risk us all
    Especially the three that are so small
    Can you see how I show layers?
    Can you see how fragmented we are
    We are all lined up perfectly still
    Stone like,tears roll,down some of us still
    We stay together so none of us kill
    Elastic an innocent thread until,it's
    responsible,for,the dead
    We are Russian dolls sets
    We make sense when we huddle together
    We share secrets that we all had to keep
    For some they can only tell when asleep
    For some their secret is starting to seep
    So she is held in a puffins beak
    Tomorrow we felt like all going to therapy
    but we are not allowed to open yet
    this containing is getting real hard
    Maybe we could all unravel & live in a jar?
     
  3. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Building a life for others to live
    Spinning colour into everything
    I hope,they see it as a gift
    I'll work for them & they will reap security
    They won't have to worry
    They will be made up
    Relief will be theirs
    if I give it all away I won't miss it
    not for a single,day
    I've seen their laughter there
    They run without a care
    They will see me everywhere
    No more rocking I'm the chair
    Who wants dutch elm when oaks
    are strong
    I won't let the orchard break
    I'll make my life decompose
    Seeds a brought along with
    a grand plan
    They can make themselves
    Excitement when you've found
    Your purpose
    I've never felt so clear
    Thank you cathedral like
    I'm ready
     
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  4. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    I've found something no one can break
    I can share it here because it's safe
    A combination that will seem like gobbely goop
    But kept here unto I expose the key
    It's out but in
    & in but out
    I hope it will curtail my urge to shout
     
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  5. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Pie makers imagine asimulating cooks asking, acting arranging feeding adaptations.
    Pie additives boasts any attack pops away unanswerable ambiguous cycles
    Alas pies affect meat

    Pillar ovens heat the bald meat any pops must age
    there
    Pick slow pots over beating cups
    Ask sooner among buns action why

    Sleep beats attitude among men aged 50
    X
     
  6. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Has she been here?
    Has she rested a while?
    Has she taken something for the pain?
    Has she reassured her self?
    Is she broken?
    Is she over spoken?
    Is she seeking help?
    Is she in a state?
    She's resolved
    She's not solved
    She's perplexed
    She's certainly hexed
    She's looping
    Her mind is stooping
    Her knowledge regrouping
    Her fear intensifies
    Her hope unjustified
    She's lost
    If she passes by
    Tell her she's here
     
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  7. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Kippers add arithmetic carefully at three ten aroundabout.
    Adding is tenuous
    At the bank anticipate
     
  8. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Some live in one reality that has its ups,& downs
    I live in reality & then another place where my downs where too deep for me to stay in my life
    Don't judge me on how I stayed alive
    There's not a day I've lived I didn't want to get out of the deep.
    I've tried getting out myself & then with help.
    But I lost hope in a ladder offered to me 3 1/2 years ago.
    The runs have been chopped up for someone else's fire & I'm left with two poles I feel impaled by.
    If I could give one piece of advice it would be tell someone strong enough to save you,as soon after a traumatic event,as possible. Even when your life is threatened!
    Because 30 year old complex PTSD is a toxic acid that eats away at what the rapists left behind.
    My life's been so consumed there is nothing I feel strongly there is nothing left to exhume.
    Even the dead can still walk through my body if I'm still alive,
    Some rapists say they don't want any trouble, as they age.
    Yet it's ok for muted me to relive, repulse & rot in trauma hell
    He who troubles others doesn't want others troubling he SCREAM are you for real!
     
    #888 Survivor, Jan 27, 2019
    Last edited: Jan 27, 2019
  9. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Away there boots
    Amid turned articles
    adhere textures around vexed addicts
     
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  10. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Kill a man you kill him once
    Rape his wife you kill him everyday
    If that man has children they will
    have but half a mother
    This man will be hurt whenever he tries to love her!

    I'm hurting so bad it's catching my breath
    The agitation is at an all time high
    I'm trying so hard to find a symbolic escape
    Instead of a full blown concrete break
    This recall now is so pronounced
    Its like having a child falling that you just
    can't reach.
    Or going to call out but you've lost you speech.
    My heart is aching for a connection
    that last longer than a random exception.
    This loneliness is taking its toll
    At least I recognise blindness of the mole.
    I've burrowed so far in search of our soul
    I'm lost in the hollows, the fragile holes.
    I know there are children in here
    I can hear them but they won't shout
    for help.
    There mouths are pinned to shut.
    There sound is panic & a fading breath
    They are passively fading, fading away.
    It all feels too late & this lump in my throat
    is a sorrow of which I can not cope.
    Lost children in this stormy night
    fillla me with dread I've left them for dead.
    I can't call for help
    Who do you call about missing children?
    That are lost in your head !
     
  11. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Mindfulness week 4 training
    My practise is growing
    I'm trying so hard
     
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  12. Energylz

    Energylz Moody-rator ©
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    "trying" is not a good word to use.. I would say you are succeeding. ;)
     
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  13. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    It is with great desperation
    I ask for help
    It is not to carry me
    It is not to excuse me
    It is to recognise
    that each day is a battle
    maintained by utter fear
    that at any point I'm going
    to collapse
    The fear of loosing my voice
    or ability to move is so petrifying
    I used to have a cut out switch
    that warned my body
    Now the warning sounds permanently
    but I can't stop
    I can't have a break
    I'm looking for a slip road
    I'm free falling through despair
    the help I need is knowing
    that I'm not ok
    even when my smile & service
    Is reliable everyday
     
  14. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    If only you didn't tell me
    If only you had not said
    I won't have those images going around my head
    You know I can't release them
    You know I can't expose
    That which was spoken
    Is like an arrow to a bow
    Your firing off your details
    confessions of a transgressor
    conversations while gripped in fear
    Why did you pick me to tell
    in my head it's whirling around
    I feel responsible for the content
    Even though I wasn't around.
    And then there is the layering
    of subtle threats
    If I expose the truth my life will
    pay the debt
    Yes I did just say it out loud
    in a cyber kinda way
    The way that is protected
    by the anonymising cloak
    An outlet that prevents
    my knowing choke
    It's got to come out
    It's got to leak
    I am everyday
    I've tried so hard
    to secret guard
    but it is eating me away
    My shock disguised
    My fears realised
    What is threat of death anyway
    a plug pulled by someone else
    While I am stone cold bathing
    A threat like that has become
    a favour.
    I don't need to explain
    My need is for an aeroplane
    to whisk me far away
    To a,place where no one
    Knows & I can offload today
    I'll try to code the pain that's erode
    the life that was meant to be lived
    Cower down now & freably resume
    your attempt to exist with so much
    to exhume.
     
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  15. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Crawling isn't low enough
    Standing isn't tall enough
    Shouting isn't loud enough
    Silence isn't low,enough
    Buried isn't deep enough
    Can the church help me?
    Can the world help me?
    NO
    I'm melting from this desertion
    I'm roasting from the burning inside
    I'm exposed by the place I hide
    Can't I trust anyone?
    Can I disappear?
    No, Yes, Yes No?
    My bones feel infected
    My head feels extra tested
    This revolving door is freaking me out
    I push & end up somewhere alien to me
    I push & familiar feels fake
    I push & my reflection is fading
    No one wants to leave you know
    They just can't bare the pain!
    This world is shrinking
    & I'm going insane!
    Great my mind is so screwed up
    I'm arginine with my mind
    How can you tell night from day
    When you can't tell past from present?
    Oh yeah I forgot your a rape peasant
     
  16. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    You know with panic attacks
    You can avoid something
    Cancel your plans
    Leave it for when you feel more
    at ease
    Then there is terror
    You can avoid
    The situation is on a looped film in your head
    Sure you pull away, ground your self
    But it doesn't settle, so much as becoming
    A part of my pulse, mŷ breath, my sleep,
    My waking, my all together consciousness &
    unconscious.
    I can't turn away, a can't run away, I can't refuse
    I practise defuse so much you would think they would be muted.
    But one memory is like a dork under pressure & when every it comes up I am transported.
    The weather, the temperature, the colour
    The sound, my hand is gripping, my heart is racing
    and I'm there.
    I use my senses to anchor me
    Smell
    Sound
    Sight
    Breath
    I'm just sick of having too
    I just want to be
    I never get a clean slate
    I never get a new say
    For 17 years I've been
    waiting to stand on my two foot
    and release
    Now it's my time on earth that decreasing
    a finish line has been so far away its disappeared
    I started to get me back
    I'm ending with little energy to complete the search
    The cost of releasing all is was always too high
    I now know in me it will die
    If I want a pulse silent I must be
    If I want a life I need it out of me
    If all was written on my skin
    If a barcode of my trauma could just be scanned
    I'm not a sequel, I'm a Britannia encyclopaedia
    Of interfered, threatened, anxious, pain, strain,
    In humane, over exposed terror
    Entwined with stolen hours where I made life flower
    for others & my biggest struggle is allowing that for me
    I'm being asked to reach & it always feels like a tragedy waiting to attack.
    I'd rather keep my arms full of others I can make feel safe, secure, heard, accepted, cherished, loved, inspired, relaxed, calm, believed, complete, enough, unique, revered, respected, trusted, validated & worthy.
     
  17. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    In case you pass by
    Read me
    Trust me
    I was there
    I went for help
    I had to leave you to do that
    I climbed
    I ran
    I dived
    and swam
    I risked it all
    I came back for you
    But you were not there
    You never let me back in
    Your lights were out
    I see you everywhere
    but nowhere
    Then out if the blue
    You leave me a cryptic
    note of a rendezvous
    I'm scared to RSVP
    I guess this is how
    it was always going to be
    Just let me know
    the time & date
    If I don't know
    I could be too late
    I'll bring the children
    They can't wait to see you
    Don't drown us all in tears
    in case you pass by don't
    meet me!
     
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  18. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    It's like being asleep but awake
    It's like being awake but asleep
    It's like being in while your out
    It's like being out while your in
    It's like being hurt while your numb
    It's like being numb while your hurt
    It's like being inside out
    It's like being outside in
    It's like being upside down
    It's like being down side up
    It's like being out of sink
    It's like being out of time
    It's like being in a tornado
    It's like being is a tidal wave
    It's like being on the outside of life looking in
    It's like being on the edge looking down
    It's not like being in your body, mind or life
    It's like living on a knife so that the knife can't take you by surprise.
    It's like hiding my eyes, so you don't see into me
    It's like grieving for the lives inside of you knowing it's too late ti live at all
    It's like taking the gun & turning it on your soul
    It's a sadness that burns in me holes
     
  19. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Putting on a brave face
    Now I have no space
    All the while anxiety makes my nervous system
    feel like a land fill site
    No one has a clue about my plight
    If only they knew the constant fight or flight
    My shell feels like a carcass
    Autopsy results tardis
    A time travelling harness
    I never queued up for this roller coaster
    I was only venturing out
    You don't need to be kidnapped
    to be trapped
    My skull is my cell
    My body is conducting hell
    100% robot
    I can't quite compute
    Wishing this was over
    is a ridiculous pursuit
    there was & is no stop button
    Like a tortoise stuck in a shell
    I'm fed up of carrying this around with me
    and I know it won't ever get off
    The reality for me right now is I
    have many shells & each one
    holds the imprints of a different
    prey hunter
    They don't need to remind me of their
    traps & how they never gave me back
    What did I have tattooed to my head?
    I guess hunters study their prey
    and to just stop at the point of kill
    they don't release you they
    make you return to your habitat
    with you knowing that they can come
    for you again any day
    And then there is the message that
    tattooed deep inside
    Once a prey is too weak to run
    they will put you out of your pain
     
  20. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    I'm sorry
    I've been so focused on one age
    I didn't do it to ignore you
    I did it to survive
    tonight storm fear
    has exposed you
    my little frightened mite
    Don't let me see your eyes
    I cannot feel that pain
    I am trying to memory restrain
    I'm not allowed to hold you
    I've got to leave you again
    I promise when I'm able I will
    come for you to be sane
    I've got to be brave
    and keep the Tigers off our back
    I've got to hide you in this hessian sack
    You won't be alone
    I've found a number of you now
    No, im not being selfish
    I'm doing this for all of us
    No stop don't show me more right now
    I'm finding it hard to swallow
    I need to stay grounded in these boots of mine
    Yes they are too big for you to fill
    I'm struggling myself
    I've scattered all the breadcrumbs
    So I can find my way out
    If for any reason I don't come back
    curl up in a ball & stay inside the sack
    Let your sleep continue
    Let your breath relax
    I promise you then there will no
    more attacks
     
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