Rape & Complex PTSD

Brain waves clash with too much of that
Did you hear that?
The sound of a life breaking before it begun
Did you see that?
She was in the longest cycle of terror
it all stopped & the the spin kicked it
Pumping out she's drained, she's drained!
Did you feel that?
As she convulses & begs it to stop
she turns & twists to release her throat
it's anxiety provoking to see when she relives it in front of her he.
Is she breathing?
Oh I'm alive yet not inhaling
I'm buried alive in men's ego pride
Your domination of this body is
a personal terror attack
Devices planted not in,a hold all bag
But inside my body with the hailing
Take that
Terrorist of the raping kind
Joined forces fo invert infiltration
You gave secrets to me I was never
old enough to comprehend
When terrorists have already bombed
your insides
Tell me how do I get on its my life?
I still feel the explosion
The chaos with no where to run
I'm the target they stormed my building
Of flesh & blood.
They broke through barriers
designed to keep them out
Now their faces, their voices, are
like wires that get to me every time
Such desasters don't leave your mind
Especially when the venue is your souls
bodily ride

 

I'm in here
We are in here
One bigger than smaller covers her up
She's hollow too
She doesn't notice she's put me in the dark
Bigger than me is bigger than three
She has kept 3 in the dark
We are all hollow except number 1
We are so frightened we are all in two parts
Our shells are left in the past
We have found 3 sets now, at least
We are in close proximity
But not so that we can see each other
If we do that we risk us all
Especially the three that are so small
Can you see how I show layers?
Can you see how fragmented we are
We are all lined up perfectly still
Stone like,tears roll,down some of us still
We stay together so none of us kill
Elastic an innocent thread until,it's
responsible,for,the dead
We are Russian dolls sets
We make sense when we huddle together
We share secrets that we all had to keep
For some they can only tell when asleep
For some their secret is starting to seep
So she is held in a puffins beak
Tomorrow we felt like all going to therapy
but we are not allowed to open yet
this containing is getting real hard
Maybe we could all unravel & live in a jar?

 

Building a life for others to live
Spinning colour into everything
I hope,they see it as a gift
I'll work for them & they will reap security
They won't have to worry
They will be made up
Relief will be theirs
if I give it all away I won't miss it
not for a single,day
I've seen their laughter there
They run without a care
They will see me everywhere
No more rocking I'm the chair
Who wants dutch elm when oaks
are strong
I won't let the orchard break
I'll make my life decompose
Seeds a brought along with
a grand plan
They can make themselves
Excitement when you've found
Your purpose
I've never felt so clear
Thank you cathedral like
I'm ready

 

I've found something no one can break
I can share it here because it's safe
A combination that will seem like gobbely goop
But kept here unto I expose the key
It's out but in
& in but out
I hope it will curtail my urge to shout

 

Pie makers imagine asimulating cooks asking, acting arranging feeding adaptations.
Pie additives boasts any attack pops away unanswerable ambiguous cycles
Alas pies affect meat

Pillar ovens heat the bald meat any pops must age
there
Pick slow pots over beating cups
Ask sooner among buns action why

Sleep beats attitude among men aged 50
X

 

Has she been here?
Has she rested a while?
Has she taken something for the pain?
Has she reassured her self?
Is she broken?
Is she over spoken?
Is she seeking help?
Is she in a state?
She's resolved
She's not solved
She's perplexed
She's certainly hexed
She's looping
Her mind is stooping
Her knowledge regrouping
Her fear intensifies
Her hope unjustified
She's lost
If she passes by
Tell her she's here

 

Kippers add arithmetic carefully at three ten aroundabout.
Adding is tenuous
At the bank anticipate

 

Some live in one reality that has its ups,& downs
I live in reality & then another place where my downs where too deep for me to stay in my life
Don't judge me on how I stayed alive
There's not a day I've lived I didn't want to get out of the deep.
I've tried getting out myself & then with help.
But I lost hope in a ladder offered to me 3 1/2 years ago.
The runs have been chopped up for someone else's fire & I'm left with two poles I feel impaled by.
If I could give one piece of advice it would be tell someone strong enough to save you,as soon after a traumatic event,as possible. Even when your life is threatened!
Because 30 year old complex PTSD is a toxic acid that eats away at what the rapists left behind.
My life's been so consumed there is nothing I feel strongly there is nothing left to exhume.
Even the dead can still walk through my body if I'm still alive,
Some rapists say they don't want any trouble, as they age.
Yet it's ok for muted me to relive, repulse & rot in trauma hell
He who troubles others doesn't want others troubling he SCREAM are you for real!

 

Away there boots
Amid turned articles
adhere textures around vexed addicts

 

Kill a man you kill him once
Rape his wife you kill him everyday
If that man has children they will
have but half a mother
This man will be hurt whenever he tries to love her!

I'm hurting so bad it's catching my breath
The agitation is at an all time high
I'm trying so hard to find a symbolic escape
Instead of a full blown concrete break
This recall now is so pronounced
Its like having a child falling that you just
can't reach.
Or going to call out but you've lost you speech.
My heart is aching for a connection
that last longer than a random exception.
This loneliness is taking its toll
At least I recognise blindness of the mole.
I've burrowed so far in search of our soul
I'm lost in the hollows, the fragile holes.
I know there are children in here
I can hear them but they won't shout
for help.
There mouths are pinned to shut.
There sound is panic & a fading breath
They are passively fading, fading away.
It all feels too late & this lump in my throat
is a sorrow of which I can not cope.
Lost children in this stormy night
fillla me with dread I've left them for dead.
I can't call for help
Who do you call about missing children?
That are lost in your head !

 

Mindfulness week 4 training
My practise is growing
I'm trying so hard

 

It is with great desperation
I ask for help
It is not to carry me
It is not to excuse me
It is to recognise
that each day is a battle
maintained by utter fear
that at any point I'm going
to collapse
The fear of loosing my voice
or ability to move is so petrifying
I used to have a cut out switch
that warned my body
Now the warning sounds permanently
but I can't stop
I can't have a break
I'm looking for a slip road
I'm free falling through despair
the help I need is knowing
that I'm not ok
even when my smile & service
Is reliable everyday

 

If only you didn't tell me
If only you had not said
I won't have those images going around my head
You know I can't release them
You know I can't expose
That which was spoken
Is like an arrow to a bow
Your firing off your details
confessions of a transgressor
conversations while gripped in fear
Why did you pick me to tell
in my head it's whirling around
I feel responsible for the content
Even though I wasn't around.
And then there is the layering
of subtle threats
If I expose the truth my life will
pay the debt
Yes I did just say it out loud
in a cyber kinda way
The way that is protected
by the anonymising cloak
An outlet that prevents
my knowing choke
It's got to come out
It's got to leak
I am everyday
I've tried so hard
to secret guard
but it is eating me away
My shock disguised
My fears realised
What is threat of death anyway
a plug pulled by someone else
While I am stone cold bathing
A threat like that has become
a favour.
I don't need to explain
My need is for an aeroplane
to whisk me far away
To a,place where no one
Knows & I can offload today
I'll try to code the pain that's erode
the life that was meant to be lived
Cower down now & freably resume
your attempt to exist with so much
to exhume.

 

Crawling isn't low enough
Standing isn't tall enough
Shouting isn't loud enough
Silence isn't low,enough
Buried isn't deep enough
Can the church help me?
Can the world help me?
NO
I'm melting from this desertion
I'm roasting from the burning inside
I'm exposed by the place I hide
Can't I trust anyone?
Can I disappear?
No, Yes, Yes No?
My bones feel infected
My head feels extra tested
This revolving door is freaking me out
I push & end up somewhere alien to me
I push & familiar feels fake
I push & my reflection is fading
No one wants to leave you know
They just can't bare the pain!
This world is shrinking
& I'm going insane!
Great my mind is so screwed up
I'm arginine with my mind
How can you tell night from day
When you can't tell past from present?
Oh yeah I forgot your a rape peasant

 

You know with panic attacks
You can avoid something
Cancel your plans
Leave it for when you feel more
at ease
Then there is terror
You can avoid
The situation is on a looped film in your head
Sure you pull away, ground your self
But it doesn't settle, so much as becoming
A part of my pulse, mŷ breath, my sleep,
My waking, my all together consciousness &
unconscious.
I can't turn away, a can't run away, I can't refuse
I practise defuse so much you would think they would be muted.
But one memory is like a dork under pressure & when every it comes up I am transported.
The weather, the temperature, the colour
The sound, my hand is gripping, my heart is racing
and I'm there.
I use my senses to anchor me
Smell
Sound
Sight
Breath
I'm just sick of having too
I just want to be
I never get a clean slate
I never get a new say
For 17 years I've been
waiting to stand on my two foot
and release
Now it's my time on earth that decreasing
a finish line has been so far away its disappeared
I started to get me back
I'm ending with little energy to complete the search
The cost of releasing all is was always too high
I now know in me it will die
If I want a pulse silent I must be
If I want a life I need it out of me
If all was written on my skin
If a barcode of my trauma could just be scanned
I'm not a sequel, I'm a Britannia encyclopaedia
Of interfered, threatened, anxious, pain, strain,
In humane, over exposed terror
Entwined with stolen hours where I made life flower
for others & my biggest struggle is allowing that for me
I'm being asked to reach & it always feels like a tragedy waiting to attack.
I'd rather keep my arms full of others I can make feel safe, secure, heard, accepted, cherished, loved, inspired, relaxed, calm, believed, complete, enough, unique, revered, respected, trusted, validated & worthy.

 

In case you pass by
Read me
Trust me
I was there
I went for help
I had to leave you to do that
I climbed
I ran
I dived
and swam
I risked it all
I came back for you
But you were not there
You never let me back in
Your lights were out
I see you everywhere
but nowhere
Then out if the blue
You leave me a cryptic
note of a rendezvous
I'm scared to RSVP
I guess this is how
it was always going to be
Just let me know
the time & date
If I don't know
I could be too late
I'll bring the children
They can't wait to see you
Don't drown us all in tears
in case you pass by don't
meet me!

 

It's like being asleep but awake
It's like being awake but asleep
It's like being in while your out
It's like being out while your in
It's like being hurt while your numb
It's like being numb while your hurt
It's like being inside out
It's like being outside in
It's like being upside down
It's like being down side up
It's like being out of sink
It's like being out of time
It's like being in a tornado
It's like being is a tidal wave
It's like being on the outside of life looking in
It's like being on the edge looking down
It's not like being in your body, mind or life
It's like living on a knife so that the knife can't take you by surprise.
It's like hiding my eyes, so you don't see into me
It's like grieving for the lives inside of you knowing it's too late ti live at all
It's like taking the gun & turning it on your soul
It's a sadness that burns in me holes

 

Putting on a brave face
Now I have no space
All the while anxiety makes my nervous system
feel like a land fill site
No one has a clue about my plight
If only they knew the constant fight or flight
My shell feels like a carcass
Autopsy results tardis
A time travelling harness
I never queued up for this roller coaster
I was only venturing out
You don't need to be kidnapped
to be trapped
My skull is my cell
My body is conducting hell
100% robot
I can't quite compute
Wishing this was over
is a ridiculous pursuit
there was & is no stop button
Like a tortoise stuck in a shell
I'm fed up of carrying this around with me
and I know it won't ever get off
The reality for me right now is I
have many shells & each one
holds the imprints of a different
prey hunter
They don't need to remind me of their
traps & how they never gave me back
What did I have tattooed to my head?
I guess hunters study their prey
and to just stop at the point of kill
they don't release you they
make you return to your habitat
with you knowing that they can come
for you again any day
And then there is the message that
tattooed deep inside
Once a prey is too weak to run
they will put you out of your pain

 

I'm sorry
I've been so focused on one age
I didn't do it to ignore you
I did it to survive
tonight storm fear
has exposed you
my little frightened mite
Don't let me see your eyes
I cannot feel that pain
I am trying to memory restrain
I'm not allowed to hold you
I've got to leave you again
I promise when I'm able I will
come for you to be sane
I've got to be brave
and keep the Tigers off our back
I've got to hide you in this hessian sack
You won't be alone
I've found a number of you now
No, im not being selfish
I'm doing this for all of us
No stop don't show me more right now
I'm finding it hard to swallow
I need to stay grounded in these boots of mine
Yes they are too big for you to fill
I'm struggling myself
I've scattered all the breadcrumbs
So I can find my way out
If for any reason I don't come back
curl up in a ball & stay inside the sack
Let your sleep continue
Let your breath relax
I promise you then there will no
more attacks