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Rape & Complex PTSD

Discussion in 'Mental & Emotional' started by Survivor, Nov 15, 2004.

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  1. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    The literal leaving 2018 is playing with my head
    I'm literally feeling like time has finished
    It's an old feeling
    Leaving myself in time
    Leaving the year
    2019 feels like a phobia that I can't avoid
     
  2. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    What time?
     
  3. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    In the suspended details are the greatest
    courage, strength & bravey.
    By not processing them, I am omitting these qualities I need now.
    In holding on to the details, suspending them I have also buried the courage, strength & bravery I had when I lived through every single element of trauma in my life.

    I hold on to this like a scrap of white lace!
     
  4. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    image.jpeg
    There are nights I write full posts
    So raw & horrific I never post
    I cut & past them out, so not to post reply.
    They are petticoat cuts
    Where scars were scored too deep I
    Can only deal in fragments
    I walk between the chaotic war torn
    inside memories & the alternative
    llife I paint in all the colours of the
    rainbow now I m in control of making
    my own.
    The contrast between the two is
    like the space between the planets
    Some days I don't feel like I will return to
    Earth again & some days the fear too
    was me drawn to a place I've never existed
    in before.
    Either & both mostly have me lonely
    or lacking trust in reconnecting
    And yet the exception
    For when I connect with what another
    needs I can effortlessly meet them
    and where ever possible exceed them
    into their wants & wishes coming true too.
    And that is called my ISS
    Internal Space Station
     
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  5. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Anchor fall
    Waves calm
    Mist clear
    Tell someone I am here
    My eyes are blue
    My hair is brown
    take me to town
    Talk to me
    Walk with me
    Let me hide my eyes ok
    I'll say I'm fine
    I will be lost in time
    I'll be destracted
    It's called detachment
    I'll wander off
    I'll be scared to cough
    I'll hold my breath
    Then gasp I bet
    I'll seek the shade
    I'll seek the sun
    At night I'm we're I can see the sky
    It's a significant allowance
    that makes me feel empowered
    I'm not my age
    I'm not able to explain my trauma stage
    I'll be suspicious
    I won't relate to being a Mrs
    I'll stay away from mirrors
    I'll see a path ahead
    I'm not insane
    In fact every morsel of me
    will be fighting to survive
    Just when out of time
    from what? is often to
    onlookers unclear
    I'm not deranged
    rather trauma aged
    I have strategies to
    help me cope
    There never sugar coated
    often sour, I have to opt out
    rather than socially cower
    Don't confuse my confidence
    it's a coping strategy
    I boldly keep my distance
    by not allowing close proximity
    my boldness is a stance that
    is sweetened by a smile
    Deep down I really want to
    let my guard down
    But I see connections
    everywhere
    You do when you've been in a web
    for so long, seeing them was my
    only way out.
    I had to iscolate so many sections,
    divisions & segments for so long
    to survive.
    It's a phenomena when your lifted
    high enough to to see the maze you've
    been in.
    The enormity then caved me in
    I couldn't stand I couldn't run
    my body spoke my mind
    until I was hospitalised
    *****************************
    *****************************
    d***n***********************
    ........................................
    Shhhhhhhhh
    Sorry for 30 years I've tried,
     
  6. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    i call on the people here present to bare witness
    My nerves have been grated
    My breathing hated
    My innocence mutilated
    Don't see me as forlorn
    Pity those who used my being
    For I nothing giving
    Means they stole what they
    could never afford
    Scoundrelous Rapist from a vipers pit
    I'd rather die trying than from falling apart
    I've always had a brave heart
    A lone she who had no me
    Me was taken when I couldn't see
    But my heart has beat through every horror
    A fact that fills my lungs with air
    that breath out words that I should
    never dare to share.
    To utter will cost me dear
    to hold back now feels like lungs of
    lead balloons.
    The weight of the truth
    is not mine to carry
    It's got to the point I don't own
    my breath
    So I'm no longer fearful of death
    I'm fearful now I die without telling
     
  7. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    It's like waiting for an operation
    A gangrene festers, but it's so old
    it's not worthy of a place on the list
    Your not current
    Your not live
    "I'm in a waiting room hive"
    Memlries swarm like bees
    I don't have an Epipen
    I have no means to complain
    I just have to go over & over again
    I'm quantifiable data, from another
    date huh
    I'm not history
    I'm PTSD rehater
    Oh yes I've got all the time in the world
    My parents will be dead before my story is told
    It's fine it's dandy it's like Andy Pandy
    FFS it's more like Chucky
    It's like death row & im serious my parents will go
    What a grand plan, it should save so money
    Let's prioritise a lost dog called "Harry"
    Your old news
    Your tomorrows chip paper
    What a message to give
    I'm never unraped
    I'm never unterrorised
    I'm never unnightterrored
    I still grab my tongue in the middle of the night
    I still jump out of my skin & then don't feel I've gone back in.
    A file
    A note
    A number
    A disposable camera undeveloped
    No wonder, no wonder, no wonder
    Don't EVER tell us anything else!
    We will put you OFF for life.
    That will make your complexity die!
    Wow thanks for making me into,an equation
    What percentage of me feels encouraged to speak?
    Sorry I didn't hear that
    It's ok I didn't say
    I have been waiting & now feel gnawed away
    Experience tells me I'm being frozen, defrosted frozen, defrosted & then thrown away.
    Anger is falling straight through my stomach of dread
    There's nothing ok with these barracks inside
    My external defences have been reduced to none.
    Inside I now feel left in a mess
    The barracks are feeling like in invert d jail
    I thought I was fighting for freedom now I feel the curtains of deflection have all been revealed
    I'm the one locked up in this hell hole of a life
    Placed on hold, or held hostage by a knife.
    I was building up to be brave, courageous & strong.
    Now I feel I've just been had on.
    This isn't roulette it's Russian can't you see
    Everyones spinning the barrel & I've never been the one with my finger on the trigger.
    With nothing to loose, I predict a riot, only no one will see it, feel it, understand it, comprehend it or imagine whose come,for me.
    How sad no one did, no one will, no one but me.
    You win, you scumbags, you spineless bits, you giggled then your giggling now, you are untouchables & I am done.
     
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  8. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    ANGER is a demon born from knowing
    DOUBT is from a life in lieu of showing
    FEAR is from the hands that crush you
    COMFORT is from food
    REST is disallowed by guilt
    DESPAIR is when alone with action energy
    TERROR is not just in war
    RAPE is not only physical it's far more
    EXHAUSTION is when I don't believe I can take anymore
    SURVIVING is what I am built for
     
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  9. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Embodiment jail
    Are my words looking stale?
    I wish the symptoms they match where
    There are never enough words to explain
    Could invent new ones, but that wouldn't be the same
    I'm often frustrated that there are none good enough to match the scenes in my head
    I have to get them out or through the night they scream & shout.
    This revolving trauma door is the way my body holds the score.
    I'd like to escape, but it rather causes a repetitive stuck state.
    I'd checkout completely, but I don't know if that will cause this to cease. My ultimate fear is death will be just another cycle of repeat.
    So as I crawl up to my neck & bypass the cage that locks in the maid, I survey the body I'm stuck in,
    it's buckled, spun into traps, holes, misshaped netting, snared.& uncapped.
    Then in my head like a crack of an egg
    I expose to spaghetti brain, over stretched & so embroiled. It weeps, it seeks, in its dark,room it keeps, the scenes of crimes, they are exposing in washes red everywhere, rocking & frothing, choking & haunted stare!!! Children beware! Curled in a ball she's loosening her hair,then in a stool she's loosing her candles, here comes a chopper to chop,off her head. The next film is how she was exposed to the dead.
     
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  10. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    I'm not a stranger to the dark
    Eyes open or shut shadows dance
    Mood up.or down shadows pounce
    Jolting, gasping, noise responding
    then an internal trigger bursts
    my day is spent with a trauma steam roller
    flattening all of my raising fears
    Only to find as the night draws near
    They are sniggering at the fact I have
    to sleep. My flattening will have done
    nothing to flattening keep.
    Repeatedly I put on my face, I brush
    my hair pray for grace.
    Flashbacks aren't beams of light
    highlighting the images of that night
    These are are micro matched feelings
    of being occupied
    Life doesn't feel solely owned
    It feels like squatters are sleeping in my
    pelvic bones.
    I can't unlock the feeling here, there tied to
    rocks & torrent emotional seas.
    The pain now resembles a wreck dry landed by the sea
    It's at this point I hober above
    I'm too detached to push & shove
    Ground hog carrousel
    I still have questions fry my mind
    Left with many starting with why?
    Should this implode I can see the flare
    It signals I am still there
    Some nights I walk into the sea
    the moon illuminates a perfect
    path for me.
    It has a cosmic pull, a chanting "flow"
    It makes me feel so at home.
    It is no more than an ethereal blanket
    I can climb under & be invisible to the land
    It promises me there is another shore with
    iridescent sand
    A frozen comfort blocks the pain
    I can't feel the body that was filled with pain
    A promise of a release
    I'm told I can leave me body & be at peace
    If the moons too thin to tempt me in
    I must wait for another phase to dictate
    When the shore recedes & the waves embrace
     
    #870 Survivor, Jan 11, 2019
    Last edited: Jan 11, 2019
  11. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    When travel feels like a lone shuttle to space
    When falling asleep feels like an action that will lead to waking somewhere strange
    When nightmares feel so real your waiting for the moon go fall out of the aky
    When your grounding tool contains care instructions
    Like your an unusual species of plant
    When your heart sinks at the images you dread
    When you remind yourself how many would miss you if you could not speak
    When questions of reality are an hourly occurance
    When your as prepared you can be for the battle ahead
    When you wake each day wondering if there are advancements ahead
    When you convince yourself your wanted dead or alive
    When your driving & then nothing familiar exists
    Your just experiencing PTSD mist
     
  12. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    This time of morning is when the PTSD
    answerphone kicks in
    I'm not at home or at least I'm not grounded
    I can't find the receiver & can't speak to anyone
    That's probably a good thing
    It helps to keep my contaminated self in
    Not that I want too
    But I've never found a container brave, strong or honest enough to pour out into
    This is when I am most detaches as my PTSD
    fries again to hatch
    Therapierically I have to stop it unravel
    as one door revolves & slams open another.
    But in reality they always do, my task is rather to not walk in to any, the details are like ledgers with no indexed files. Some are movies with scenes unrated
    I'm one minute gripped with pain in my pelvic that straightens the tape, then my heart says it's a terrible mistake "you can't see this if you want to survive, it's leaving this alone that will keep you alive!"
    In the hiding I'm seeking
    In the pain I am never releasing
    In the truth I am fine as long as it is one at a time
    Breaking down is a feeling, a fact & a safety feature
    Only my brain is screaming for a break out
    Then a solution is removed by a massive realisation
    There is no making it better, I am cursed for ever & ever
     
  13. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Mindfulness Wednesday's
    Yes I'm still trying
    With my 3rd training to try, try & try again
    I've been trying so long to be in the current day
    when flashbacks grip
    I now hold on to it being about moments, then minutes
    I'm practicing & finding ways to ground myself
    Smell, sight, sound, movement, breathing,
    praying, anything to help
     
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  14. Energylz

    Energylz Moody-rator ©
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    :)

    It's all about the moments... and the moments put together create the minutes. Perfect.
     
  15. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    When you feel life is killing you!
    So you take your sciatica on a fight back March
    Then your body screams & pain 10/10 causes you to feel so physically sick you can't imagine how you are going to ever get home.
    Then mobility reminds you there is something gnawing at you from the inside.
    Your fight, push hard, work harder, feel the pain & do it anyway has just crippled you!
    If I can't fight & mindfulness takes me into my body where I don't want to be or feel or experience.
    What am I to do?
    When life is so screwed up & nothing is straightening out.
    My whole body feels like an over due collapse
    as I crawl up the stairs, with my sciatica squeeze.
    I can't get off, I can't sit down, I have to bare this frenzied overwhelming turmoiled??
    That's it I didn't know any more, I can't fight what I can't see, I can't defend from what I can't hear & this whirlwind pain is not living. I swear in my nights I rely on pacts. I can't think my way out, I can't exercise my way out, I can't drug myself out.
    SCREAM
    if you want to go faster
    SCREAM
     
  16. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    I'm at the point where I need to rearrange a therapietic appointment
    But I can't bring myself too
    It's with great sadness I find myself here
    rather than having the,courage to do something
    Secret suffering is not allowed to be shared not at this level
    This is it, this is the point when I feel too bad to explain
    But I have here! Why.?
    I need to know where I am & if I get lost I'm here
    I've tried emailing myself but it's only to me
    Here means if I'm feeling more than me I can recognise it.
    It must sound strange to others, it's ok I'm used to this.
    When one pain is bashed into the next & one killed is carved into the next & one life is take by duress.
    I don't undress, I put on lots of layers like the Russian dolls , I build up my skins &I add 4 stone of weight
    Until I need to reverse, rewind or dart around life's corner. I curl up in a ball so don't need to know who I am or how tall.
    Mirrors are like bullets to my brain,
    I've trained myself not to look & to ritually apply same .
    Maybe I need to do something different this time
    Maybe now is when I should be talking to my therapist, rather than running around in my head
    With these nightmares seeping into my day, anxiety pulsating through my veins & so it is
     
  17. Energylz

    Energylz Moody-rator ©
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    Sciatica can be horrible.
    There's a therapy called "Spinal Touch" that has worked wonders for my partner. Not sure if there are any practitioners of that near wherever you are, but maybe you could take a look and see. It's a really gentle treatment and you wouldn't think it would do anything, but it certainly does.
    Hope you manage to get something to help it soon.
     
  18. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Nothing available under that technique locally Giles.
    Thank your for the recommendation though.
     
  19. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Pain prompts PTSD
    PTSD prompts pain
    The entwined double headed
    snake coils around me
    patience, tolerance & hope
    All fall down
    Pushing & pushing my body & mind
    is so frightening, yet so necessary.
    I must keep going!
    Fear, panic & anxiety fuel my mind
    as.I can't walk off, run off or at times get up.
    My lack of mobility another twist
    more like a Chinese burn than a helter skelter.
    I'm not feeling sorry for my self
    I'm trying all sorts to be ok
    Only thing is everything I try causes another trigger.
    Like the solution becomes another hurdle.
    Mindfulness tonight & I'm stuck in my head
    Not alph not beta & not delta, but terror in company
    with people I know, but who don't know.
    I feel shutting down or power off is so needed
    I'm not defeatist I'm exhausted & exhausted all my trying
     
  20. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Nothing here feels real enough
    The 15th year of,posting
    I still can't convey
    The tragedy
    The terror
    The inability to endevoir how one wishes
    The startled state
    The minimising of catastrophes
    The depth of trauma's blade
    The life lost in perpetrators denial charade
    Those who pass through this thread
    Maybe phathoming in their head
    Why doesn't she move on?
    Rape pinned me, nailed me, took me away from me
    Moving on without yourself is not advised
    I'm not in my life
    Autopilot flies me through
    It even has room for one or two
    To take the helm in my life too
    They see me strive, reach & martyr on
    They don't see what's going wrong
    I'm lost, then found, then finding ground I
    never wanted to have been on
    I chase my memories away
    They chase me back everyday
    What come for me is still around me, in me, unconscious or awake.
    The frustration that the English language can't include words to match this wound
    This is not about so much, yet it is about so much
    You see the words deflate my ability to share my state
    If only someone knew perhaps if my addiction
    had been rife, I would be dead by now & out of strife.
    "...............??" No where nearer in this space
    Meanwhile in my head
    Nightmares blend with awake dread
    Hush now baby don't you cry
    Proximity to passivity caused so many
     

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