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Rape & Complex PTSD

Discussion in 'Mental & Emotional' started by Survivor, Nov 15, 2004.

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  1. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    She takes rest from a natural source
    A trunk of a tree that's finished its course
    Her head lowered down
    She sees a map of fallen on the ground
    Each fallen was once a source of life
    A living extension of once was seed
    That also rested on a natural source
    She calls to mind her need is not to grow
    it's more to do with people acknowledging no
    She has not time to start a new life
    She's rather determined to just have one
    A creative flare, a wordsmiths lair
    Expressing the existence of life
    What tragedy would death now be
    Should she doubt her unfading light
    A helicopter seed spins past her heed
    The motion caught her eye
    No simple free-fall for life
    design by nature to reproduce
    She's mesmerised by natures beaut
    a compilation of earth, wind & Fire like sun
    making sure one ending is another
    one spun
    If she stays on this forest floor
    her footprints will be no more
    Her hugs will come from sturdy oaks
    the wind will on occasion catch her throat
    The perfect place to get lost in nature
    decomposing feels like second nature
     
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  2. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    A 33
    A 45
    A 2 2
    A record shot
    What song you got?
    5 star, I can't wait!
    3 degrees, If & when
    666
    999
    Devils law
    08001111
     
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  3. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Born into secret suffering
    Torn by teen secret suffering
    Adult conditioning to ignore secret suffering
    Memories claw at murder memory
    its all so raw in my abattoir psyche
    Carcass hooks I'm meat taken butcher
    Irony spikes I'm nothing but offal
    Maybe that is why of late I feel so awful
     
  4. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    And so the secondary trauma mangle
    Wrings out one of my daughters
    It is not for me to elaborate on her current suffering.
    Instead I reflect on the torturous position of mother whose innocent children are also affected by the rape tornado.
    I've so fast, so many times, to beat it from her door, but today the backlash of it's velocity dry out my eyes.
    I'm forced to see how I can not rescue, protect or prevent her from the treacherous storm she's in.
    When your daughter pleads to be free & there's no relief to offer. I feel like im on the outside of the world looking in, screaming & thumping the glass.
    I managed to stand beside her today, long enough for her to reach out for help.
    It shouldn't be her problem, she shouldn't have this pain. She the turns & tells me the same.
    The trauma tornado, doesn't strike one person & miss out any of those she is connected to.
    On the contrary it tears down the whole house.
    And I can't lift the wreckage off them, I can't tell them it's all going to be ok.
    Hell I don't know if we are all going to make it,
    But tonight I would give anything for a rescue team.
    My family is crushed & the weight on my chest makes it easier for me not to breathe
    While in fact I really could do with a deep breath.
     
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  5. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    She has fallen to her knees
    She's tried, begged, repeatedly said
    "Help me before I burn out"
    She' put on her smile her Rosie red lips
    Her comfort eating has landed right on her hips
    She's inflamed, ashamed, a lot not a little explained
    She's a maniac she's an empty sack
    She's grounded & full of beans
    She's running out of steam
    She's no interest getting up to standing
    She's sand buried on a shore awaiting high tide
    She's no more prayers, hopes or dreams
    Her reality is a flu sneeze
    Aches & pains & breathing difficulties
    This is no a seasonal cold
    She's a metaphorical sold
     
  6. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    I made a choice to stand up
    I never imagined it would have to be for so long
    I'm not at a bus stop with shelter
    There's no where to rest myself
    I walked into the deserted district of my brain
    The dripping tap of time is weighing heavy on my mind
    Dark cold repeat room, waiting room with no clock, no calander, no window, no door, just the remnants of a raped girl.
    The floor beneath her voided, with the exception of a stained tile, she curled in a ball, so frightened to call.
    He movements are restricted, her joints & bones ache. The smell, the sound the don't look around is ingrained into her molecular structure.
    Her heart is about to rupture, her head has become a spiney cluster.
    All she had all she was, all she has ever tried to be doesn't exist anymore the particle state that represents all that she feared would break is now a plume of dirty fate.
    She's finished, she's rags, she's ready to incinerate.
    It's all to late!!!
    The void is bottomless, yet this space has ceilings & walls closing in, suddenly this stain feels like caving in.
    Who you going to call?
    ECHO!
     
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  7. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    The present a gift that not everyone ever gets
    The future a gift that not everyone gets
    The past a torture not everyone gets
    Who turns up yesterday?
    Who doesn't tomorrow?
    Who does now but doesn't exist?
    These living ghosts that interfere with my mind
    Yet are not physically here by my side
    The power of video's that play, rewind, but never eject or erase. My nervous system doesn't disipher whether the fired up neurone are to do with anything but a current threat.
    Krakatoa's sound traveled around the world 4 times.
    My mercy cry would too, in the meantime I'm suspended, unremdered esposed & wore thin.
    My plans to study all caved in, stability is but a verbal
    waste bin. I've heard it all I've not seen a thing.
    This daily battle is driving me mad,
    My fingertips are bleeding, my palms are wet, my grip is slipping, I haven't let go yet!
    I'm waiting for someone to retract the safety net.
    Do look down! Too late! There is no net there never has been. No one to catch my fall, only the reality to shatter my dream. No one is real everyone's fake
    my opening up has just created an ill fated fate.
     
  8. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    And so after pressure to do or die
    My optimistic self said "I'll do what it takes to safe & secure one element of my life."
    Only my nervous system upgraded to platinum features of resilience & tolerance, still couldn't walk into what my mind insisted we do to provide financial security. PTSD doesn't improve when under threat it has a tendency to fry neurons fast track fight, flight, fear, freeze & flop. My nervous system has a speed of light flop & as exhaustion sets in & sciatica inflames my pain threshold to walk. My body comes to a frightening halt.
    My life in limbo, I'm now stuck in the PTSD lift & there's no Otis engineer on call.
    Hypervigilance in stormy weather, takes my sleep & gives me fear.
    All options to train have been extinguished, my ability to preserve my employment has been destroyed. My nervous system is calling the shots, loud, & like a sobering spear, The message is very clear, nothing can be saved while this limbo plagues my mind, body, soul, life, family, I have to priotitise staying alive. My martyr tactics are no solution, everything is at risk & I tonight I wouldn't have it any other way. I've always known the risks, I've just spent so long scrambling there existence & so as pressure weighs down hard. And one thing is being defined "I place all that I have in higher hands & take it all, take aim fire, but there are two things you will never take or break again one is the truth & the other is me. Alive I'm never free, in death I am absolutely sure the truth will set me free. So in life I'm ruined, but in death renewed, so my life sentence is temporary. It's just a shame I loose my life regardless.
     
    #848 Survivor, Dec 16, 2018
    Last edited: Dec 16, 2018
  9. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Shivers down the spine
    Creeping through my veins
    Gnawing at my head
    My body feels dead
    I caught my self conk out
    with a disabling exhaustion
    My inability to move tripped
    a new panic, a breaking down
    inside panic, crying & aching inside
    panic.
    The I'm dying panic, the longest 48hrs
    ahead panic.
    I've run in empty & I think what comes next
    is break down, shut down, stop
     
  10. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    I'm sorry I'm still consumed
    I'm sorry I've not exhumed
    It's easy for other to assume
    It's in me not you
    Don't wish me to shut up
    I'm sanitising my stuff
    But it won't ever feel clean
    It's not about letting go
    It's about my learning to live with
    There are many layers behind this thread
    Some hidden for fear I'll be dead
    I'm not exaggerating
    Many years I lived behind the veil
    a dutiful nature born from punishing nurture
    I'm not wired to be free
    As power & control dominated me.
    I wasn't weak
    I wasn't feeble
    I was rather stunned by evil
    I knew not what came for me
    When too frequent I had to flee
    But because I couldn't do this
    physically
    I marked my skin to match the pain
    I endured long walks to release the stains
    I was airlifted by my fight or flight response
    To focus on an environmental exit
    A focus that begged with all my might
    That I with the inability to physically fight
    Be spared the grating inner death
    that stole my youth & staithed the darkest memories
    I'm not weak when I can't not bare my weight
    I am but a toxin vessel.
    Waiting for the day to dock, cranes in waiting
    Hoists above
    Take this trauma cargo & replace it with love.
     
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  11. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    The longest night
    The end of 2018
    It grips my core
    That another year
    pass without a cure
    I'm so angry I could scream
    There''s something wrong
    I sense unrest
    I feel I've been lead
    up the garden path.
    There's a ticking clock
    that's getting right on
    my nerves.
    I'm going to have been in the longest queue
    life on hold while I still have to pay.
    I can see the vacant seats ahead
    I'm so fearful of who will have died waiting
    This feels like a torturous trick
    To build me up and break me down
    I'm on strings I don't know who holds
    I'm ridiculed by the silent snub
    The tragedy about to brand skin to thin
    to withstand.
    I can't believe this tunnel closing in
    Time seems to have caved in
    I'm all out of wisdom, courage or strength
    My body is buckling from making it this far
    Living on the edge, out on the ledge
    No way back, no harness, no nothing at all
    My mind has a rehearsal free fall
     
  12. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    How do you do Christmas
    When you just don't want the stress?
    You get a grip, it not about me
    It's about all the children around me
    I'm my grandchildrens naynay.
    They won't have a clue
    I'll make it great
    Sparkles, gifts, good food & more
    Hugs from the little ones who
    are speared of any doubt
    When naynay' around there is nothing to
    fear, she always makes it ok x
     
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  13. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Ive lost time
    Or it's lost me
    Is there anybody out there?
    Dark nights make me solitary
    an in doing so I drift out & see things
    from above
    Only no one knows I've left or wonder about my return
    This is reassuring, kinda releasing
    My nocturnal processing has had the same reception
    Dream,states are vivid, as I exercise my will
    My night time head has already worked through what comes next. I'm so excited, over the moon hopefully,
     
  14. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Don't steal me away with your
    cruel images
    Don't pull me into these scenes
    It's times like these I know nothing
    can stop this action replay.
    How do these intrusive thoughts get
    worse on days like these?
    Is it because I wish them to leave
    And let me grieve?
     
  15. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Don't know how to say this
    which is why I'm here
    needing to get it out of my head
    In the hope I might sleep tonight.
    This year ending
    Is having me scrutinise my making
    this day unforgettable
    I've needed perfection for everyone today
    But nothing feels good enough
    This encapsulating 2018 feels like
    a matter of life, death final, finished
    Like I'm not able or allowed to just go into
    2019.
    The consumption of my days that are so full & the duality of my consumed mind that is so full each day.
    It feels like 2019 is threatening me with nothing but
    Torment over & over & over. That there is no place to go, no gap to step in, no crack to leak into.
    My existence is so tight, constricted, trapped, stuck, choking, dammed, locked up, captured.
    There no new year for me
    There's no fresh start
    There no end
    There no beginning
    I can't go with the flow, there's nothing flowing.
    I can't see through life
    I can't choose, influence or get my head around life.
    I don't feel like I'm living
    Then there's the lack of continuity of life long enough to be on the other side of it.
    There's no port, shore, station, check post to say, show, evidence or acknowledge anything about where I am let alone where I am going.
    I can't steer, I can't direct, I can't escape, I can't object.
    I can't change a single thing of what I'm in.
    Yet existing & functioning.
    Maybe it's the Christmas pressure, the reflective magical time of year that I genuinely have to make happen for those around me.
    While those around me I fill up emotionally, financially, motivationaly & therefore their lives seem to be on a continuum.
    Then I see how my life's experiences have punctured my filling them up & feel like there are big holes about to puncture all I have tiried to compensate for the familiar dysfunction that has been thrust into the lives of my children before they where even born,
    The inherited damage that has happened to the vessel that brought my children into this life & yet I have adjusted, adapted, educated myself to enhance, repair, reciprocate, contain, maintain & ultimately seeking a cure.
    But I can't cure, heal or mend anything ever.
    If I can't succeed at this, I have to eradicate spillage possibility from me to anyone I love.
    But I can't stop that either, I spiral like pencil shavings at this point.
    Everything feels futile, I can't stop bad things happening. Any things possible & more than likely or is that because I have already experienced it.
    Surely my adverse experiences are my crisis.
    Is there only so much a mind & body can endure, fear, experience, re-experience, before this pushes my internal pressure point to a physical health crisis.
    Like those who have happened before.
    Or is it my survival of them protects me,
    How could my body & mind ever consider extending my life, given what it has experienced. Surely it is going to take this out of my hands & collapse soon.
    Or maybe my biggest fear is that none of my passive self neglecting, carrying on regardless, determined, martyr mechanisms have now hit levels that are actually about me choosing to pursue existence without the auto shutdown, I have so often unconsciously relied o .
    In the catatonic, paralysis of mind, body, he'll even sight. When I have rocked & stared & slowly stagnated, bled out, passed out. Is it the fact that in those states there was a peace. And yet after peace, immobility triggered panic, fear, lack of movement, lack of choice, hospitalised & unable to get up & leave. Not through the inability to discharge myself.
    But rather I can not get up & here in the poles of peace & trauma, they magnetise with great force.
    No energy to push or pull them apart.
    Here I am, in a work break poised to fight the world to survive & in stopping I am resisting the crash.
    Unable to steer away from this brick wall.
    The truth is 2019 feels like a ravine away from me now & I don't have the energy, hope, faith or belief that running & jumping into it is going to result in a firm ground. I see nothing rising up to my courage & so I find myself in this thread understand a little more.
    I've been on a roundabout for so long I can't see any exits & there is no outer lane, only the inch by the mound that I am rCing around & I am certain my only option is to close my eyes & put my foot on the pedal.....................
     
  16. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Under here there's horror
    In here there's scenes on heard
    A catalyst that has been shrouded
    How many eyes have seen
    Secret suffering
    Hiding is easy when shame is
    ridiculed
    When pain is hilarious
    When mocked for breaking
    Once fired & fired & fired
    This horror was wired & then wired & wired
    Then shock treatment connected & reminded
    They graffiti me with disgrace
    I infuriate, I nauseate, I catch my head in my hands
    I squeeze my eyes, I pinch my skin, I don't want to be in.
    It's still not written
    Yet the sewer in my being is still infested with rats
    Could a head injury break it out?
    Pest control exterminate this infestation
    rape reverberates, it's whirls inside my head, pelvic
    That wall of death motorbike that climbs the wall & goes around & around & crackles, crunches, noises, thumpers, how will he get out?
    How did he get up here?
    Dizziness & motion sickness
    Cuss, cuss, cuss, cuss
    Bleach, Milton, parazone, get these stains out
    Frantic, frozen chaos in a hell thats inside of me
    I'm loosing stability
    Is it madness I want to smash up this memory box
    attached to my neck?
    An itch, a scald, a stitch, a scum, I need it out now.
    I can't tolerate this impossible denial
    I'm missing & yet I'm found
     
  17. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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  18. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    The worst things
    I've booked dream holidays
    seeking freedom
    wanting to get away
    Austrian hills
    Italian coasts
    PTSD said NO
    I then loose my loved ones who go on
    without me & PTSD still doesn't leave me alone.
    The fear of being alone asleep with those scenes
    only one person on the planet can ground me from
    and he's not with.
    What if he is killed?*******
    What if something terrible happens?*******
    I mean it does you know***********
    In my life someone goes out & never comes back
    Then your transported to identify a body
    or on another occasion ******** body
    and then another your hearing confessions of a
    ************* or your threatened by one
    or maybe you know so much & know so much your never going to get the words out
    or maybe an emergency landing on a plane
    or maybe a hit & run car accident
    or maybe **** or ****
    or maybe your ***** is a ********
    and maybe! doesn't exist around you because it's all true!**************+++++++

    A thousand bucket list items wouldn't release my PTSD in fact it would trigger panic so great I would be able to do them.

    I know who *********. ******
    He ********************me
    *********force*******

    I'm going to burst i can't hold back the ******* worst so many*********around******* me **********************
    *****************************************************************************************************stop
    Stop


    Back stories are haunting my mind morning noon & night
    A break from functioning
    Has me frightened of existing
    So would you if you knew

    My life is the reality of the unexpected
    being so expected I can't imagine living another day
    Please hide me away & help me feel safe
    Let me just let me tell you everything

    It's ok onlookers are not shocked
    They just see me crochet circles around & around
    there are stitches that hold words & some that hols pictures.
    Some I have had to unpick to erase in case someone saw. Then I ground myself it's just a metaphor.

    Maybe a desert island with a video camera & a new identity would help?

    There's no google search for what I need
    It doesn't exist in my part of the world
    Maybe I need to wash up on another shore

    I can relate to those who have to evacuate their lives
    When there is no other option.
    When you missing is better than you decaying in front of your loved ones eyes.

    I was but one monkey in the three
    I heard, I saw, I just can't speak.
    Now I try so hard to be all three

    But in the last 10 days it's killing me

    Too#many#doors#open#in#my#head#

    The electric shooting over my brain is not shutting down & im not tiring.
    I'm scared of this action energy it has a will of its own
     
  19. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    My nightmares are frequent
    Last night I watched as the moon sped up its pace across the sky
    Until the moment it dived into the sea.
    It was the subsequent shudders through the earth
    that caused my breath to be held
    I rationalise the sun may now fly high
    before knowing fear filled me
    The earth I'm on will never be balanced again.

    This is how I feel in the voids of my mind once taken to the catalystic, suspended reliving of rape.

    Buried for decades, at one level I can't understand how many will have sensed the shudders & said nothing.

    So a significant global event happened & everyone carried on as usual the next day.

    It's now I understand the fear that the sun is not coming up!!!!

    For me it never did without the fear from then it may leave me in the dark of that night forever
     
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  20. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Hush now
    don't say another word
    no one cares any way
    They all think your mad
    So Many doors open in your head!
    Shut them, shut them now!
    Eat, sleep, work repeat
    You've been off for Christmas with too much time to think
    No more thinking
    And stop writing here
    It's no bodies life but yours
    If you keep it in your four walls
    it doesn't have to have happened
    You can let it go & no one gets hurt
    by you!
    Can't you see all this pain you are showing
    is killing your children, husband, parents, brother
    It's wrecking your career
    I mean seriously you should have taken on more there & stopped wasting your head space on all this past stuff.
    Who do you think you are?
    You used to just run around after others, I mean you were good at it.
    You should have just stuck to everyone else's stuff.
    I mean it's all in the past &I that trembling, you should get tablets from the dr to stop that & your clearly not taking enough panic & anxiety drugs if your still anxious everyday.
    Look I'm just trying to help you!
    Go on a nice trip & forget about it
    And stop taking on all theses battles for young people, you should be in the gym looking after your waistline
    I mean you've piled on the pounds this year
    Just stop eating
    You know you should get on your bike more
    Let's make 2019 your year of closing this can of worms. I mean you know what happened
    The last time you opened that up you got all lost in your head.
    You will only have another breakdown & then what use are you to us all?
    I mean you know your not strong enough to do your stuff & others
    As for those night terrors, you should ask the dr for something to stop that
    You look so ridiculous jolting & choking can't the GP knock you out for the night
     
    #860 Survivor, Dec 31, 2018
    Last edited: Dec 31, 2018

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