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Rape & Complex PTSD

Discussion in 'Mental & Emotional' started by Survivor, Nov 15, 2004.

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  1. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    She takes rest from a natural source
    A trunk of a tree that's finished its course
    Her head lowered down
    She sees a map of fallen on the ground
    Each fallen was once a source of life
    A living extension of once was seed
    That also rested on a natural source
    She calls to mind her need is not to grow
    it's more to do with people acknowledging no
    She has not time to start a new life
    She's rather determined to just have one
    A creative flare, a wordsmiths lair
    Expressing the existence of life
    What tragedy would death now be
    Should she doubt her unfading light
    A helicopter seed spins past her heed
    The motion caught her eye
    No simple free-fall for life
    design by nature to reproduce
    She's mesmerised by natures beaut
    a compilation of earth, wind & Fire like sun
    making sure one ending is another
    one spun
    If she stays on this forest floor
    her footprints will be no more
    Her hugs will come from sturdy oaks
    the wind will on occasion catch her throat
    The perfect place to get lost in nature
    decomposing feels like second nature
     
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  2. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    A 33
    A 45
    A 2 2
    A record shot
    What song you got?
    5 star, I can't wait!
    3 degrees, If & when
    666
    999
    Devils law
    08001111
     
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  3. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Born into secret suffering
    Torn by teen secret suffering
    Adult conditioning to ignore secret suffering
    Memories claw at murder memory
    its all so raw in my abattoir psyche
    Carcass hooks I'm meat taken butcher
    Irony spikes I'm nothing but offal
    Maybe that is why of late I feel so awful
     
  4. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    And so the secondary trauma mangle
    Wrings out one of my daughters
    It is not for me to elaborate on her current suffering.
    Instead I reflect on the torturous position of mother whose innocent children are also affected by the rape tornado.
    I've so fast, so many times, to beat it from her door, but today the backlash of it's velocity dry out my eyes.
    I'm forced to see how I can not rescue, protect or prevent her from the treacherous storm she's in.
    When your daughter pleads to be free & there's no relief to offer. I feel like im on the outside of the world looking in, screaming & thumping the glass.
    I managed to stand beside her today, long enough for her to reach out for help.
    It shouldn't be her problem, she shouldn't have this pain. She the turns & tells me the same.
    The trauma tornado, doesn't strike one person & miss out any of those she is connected to.
    On the contrary it tears down the whole house.
    And I can't lift the wreckage off them, I can't tell them it's all going to be ok.
    Hell I don't know if we are all going to make it,
    But tonight I would give anything for a rescue team.
    My family is crushed & the weight on my chest makes it easier for me not to breathe
    While in fact I really could do with a deep breath.
     
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  5. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    She has fallen to her knees
    She's tried, begged, repeatedly said
    "Help me before I burn out"
    She' put on her smile her Rosie red lips
    Her comfort eating has landed right on her hips
    She's inflamed, ashamed, a lot not a little explained
    She's a maniac she's an empty sack
    She's grounded & full of beans
    She's running out of steam
    She's no interest getting up to standing
    She's sand buried on a shore awaiting high tide
    She's no more prayers, hopes or dreams
    Her reality is a flu sneeze
    Aches & pains & breathing difficulties
    This is no a seasonal cold
    She's a metaphorical sold
     
  6. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    I made a choice to stand up
    I never imagined it would have to be for so long
    I'm not at a bus stop with shelter
    There's no where to rest myself
    I walked into the deserted district of my brain
    The dripping tap of time is weighing heavy on my mind
    Dark cold repeat room, waiting room with no clock, no calander, no window, no door, just the remnants of a raped girl.
    The floor beneath her voided, with the exception of a stained tile, she curled in a ball, so frightened to call.
    He movements are restricted, her joints & bones ache. The smell, the sound the don't look around is ingrained into her molecular structure.
    Her heart is about to rupture, her head has become a spiney cluster.
    All she had all she was, all she has ever tried to be doesn't exist anymore the particle state that represents all that she feared would break is now a plume of dirty fate.
    She's finished, she's rags, she's ready to incinerate.
    It's all to late!!!
    The void is bottomless, yet this space has ceilings & walls closing in, suddenly this stain feels like caving in.
    Who you going to call?
    ECHO!
     
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  7. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    The present a gift that not everyone ever gets
    The future a gift that not everyone gets
    The past a torture not everyone gets
    Who turns up yesterday?
    Who doesn't tomorrow?
    Who does now but doesn't exist?
    These living ghosts that interfere with my mind
    Yet are not physically here by my side
    The power of video's that play, rewind, but never eject or erase. My nervous system doesn't disipher whether the fired up neurone are to do with anything but a current threat.
    Krakatoa's sound traveled around the world 4 times.
    My mercy cry would too, in the meantime I'm suspended, unremdered esposed & wore thin.
    My plans to study all caved in, stability is but a verbal
    waste bin. I've heard it all I've not seen a thing.
    This daily battle is driving me mad,
    My fingertips are bleeding, my palms are wet, my grip is slipping, I haven't let go yet!
    I'm waiting for someone to retract the safety net.
    Do look down! Too late! There is no net there never has been. No one to catch my fall, only the reality to shatter my dream. No one is real everyone's fake
    my opening up has just created an ill fated fate.
     
  8. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    And so after pressure to do or die
    My optimistic self said "I'll do what it takes to safe & secure one element of my life."
    Only my nervous system upgraded to platinum features of resilience & tolerance, still couldn't walk into what my mind insisted we do to provide financial security. PTSD doesn't improve when under threat it has a tendency to fry neurons fast track fight, flight, fear, freeze & flop. My nervous system has a speed of light flop & as exhaustion sets in & sciatica inflames my pain threshold to walk. My body comes to a frightening halt.
    My life in limbo, I'm now stuck in the PTSD lift & there's no Otis engineer on call.
    Hypervigilance in stormy weather, takes my sleep & gives me fear.
    All options to train have been extinguished, my ability to preserve my employment has been destroyed. My nervous system is calling the shots, loud, & like a sobering spear, The message is very clear, nothing can be saved while this limbo plagues my mind, body, soul, life, family, I have to priotitise staying alive. My martyr tactics are no solution, everything is at risk & I tonight I wouldn't have it any other way. I've always known the risks, I've just spent so long scrambling there existence & so as pressure weighs down hard. And one thing is being defined "I place all that I have in higher hands & take it all, take aim fire, but there are two things you will never take or break again one is the truth & the other is me. Alive I'm never free, in death I am absolutely sure the truth will set me free. So in life I'm ruined, but in death renewed, so my life sentence is temporary. It's just a shame I loose my life regardless.
     
    #848 Survivor, Dec 16, 2018 at 1:40 AM
    Last edited: Dec 16, 2018 at 1:58 AM

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