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Rape & Complex PTSD

Discussion in 'Mental & Emotional' started by Survivor, Nov 15, 2004.

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  1. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Cast out the worries
    Cut down the fears
    Dry up the bitter tasting tears
    Rub out the pictures in my head
    No wait rub me out instead
    When hammocks swing
    Between two trees, be still the wind
    Let me be suspended off the ground
    May eagles soar all around
    As angels twinkle as they resound
    Dulcet tones that calm my soul
    And spirit animals on my totem pole
    Watch over me tonight
    As I close my eyes & try to sleep
    Gentle stroke my head and say
    Your not being raped today
    A filthy word that breaks into my
    verses, in an attempt to ward off
    Hurses!
    When attacked in a swamp like setting
    terra firma is out of reach
    Please don't let me loose my speech
    As neuro science tries to impeach
    Settle down, don't try to struggle
    Swamps are deeper than a puddle
    Ok enough get me out of here
    Cast out my worries
    Cut down my fears
    I'm retreating, myself not meeting
    I dare not catch myself fall
    These arms are weakened by holding
    hope high & my legs are contorted
    Please don't ask me to explain why
    The words you see hide many others
    So coded they would read marmalade & custard
    One night I may Bletchley crack them
    Right Across Parliment East
    Tonight I tapper this connection
    And hold onto a prescious glimmer
    All that glitters is gold & all that rots is mould
     
  2. Zandalee

    Zandalee Active Member

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    Wow! I can only wish to place words together like yourself. I hope you post on other public venues and media. Your words are very healing and important.
     
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  3. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Thank you Zandalee

    My words are not in another public venue or media.

    But your feedback is both welcome & appreciated.

    Love & light
    Teresa
     
  4. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Lest we forget
    Those who world war 1 met
    The survivors & their dead
    Such a heavy price to pay
    What has change 100 years today?
    There's a new war that wages on
    It's one extra double u
    It is still World Wide, but it's a Web.
    WWW. An uncensored place that
    Like war has a search, but it's a bar
    rather than party.
    On it you can see scenes that liken the
    battle fields.
    Only there is no united front &
    Comradery is dead
    Oh & our youngest erecruites have been
    captured in a field called "fortnite"
    Respect for adults diluted
    Knife crimes statistic in London are peaking
    Gun crime statistics in America need serious tweaking
    Even the civilised folk still aren't really speaking.
    The plastic in the sea is is likely to cause sea levels to rise.
    And trees are cut down right in from of your eyes.
    The USA is not party to the convention on the rights of the child. They couldn't be really or they would have to stop them being shot in schools.
    The ice is melting & poverty rising
    Despite all,of this man is not wising
    There's weapons of mass destruction
    at the flick of a button.
    Our elders are no longer sheep dressed as mutton
    Suicide rates of children are high
    Adults claim not to know why
    Man leant how to fly high than the sky
    They even went to the moon, but some think that's a lie.
    Sovereignty is fading, as banks own money in coding
    Humans are so stressed they feel like exploding
    Many animals are extinct & decomposing
    Greed & wealth has consumers imploding
    Familie structures are evolving
    Communities are dissolving
    This modem WWW is exposing children to things
    they could never have thought in their vulnerable heads
    Surrender is not a word known to anyone
    Retreat is an extortionate break for one
    Parties are not really fun
    As humans are now more interested in their mobile thumb
    In short the human race has become practically numb
     
  5. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Time retreats
    Then repeats
    But when I beg it to stop
    The cogs get caught
    The hands go tort
    I'm trapped in a sea of
    incomprehensible thought
    The words that should
    follow are sensored
    As my body & mind can
    make a sentence
    But this net is full of dog fish
    Whose hearts are hollow
    But sharp are the poisonous
    dorsal fin spines
    render me broken inside
    Frenzied they thrash
    My choking repeatedly bashed
    It's so vividly clear
    Someone hand me a spear
    If I could I would cut me
    from ear to ear
    Maybe then a gasp
    a vent for air
    It's at this point I'm not heard
    retching instead my throat
    spasms
    I grab hold of my tongue
    for fear it's blocking my throat
    Only to become overwhelmed
    with fear
    I,can't take it out
    I can't scrape it or shout
    Time repeats
    Time retreats
    But my body still
    feels the same
     
  6. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Emergency what service do you require?
    Breathing?
    Broken?
    Stunned?
    Shocked?
    Razors?
    Bleeding?
    Make it stop?
    Blind?
    Mute?
    Did any one shoot?
    How many?
    Drowning?
    Floating?
    Sinking?
    Sound?
    Sight?
    Noooooooo
    Casualty?
    Knife?
    Gun?
    Scar?
    Tattoo?
    Face?
    Orphan?
    Pregnant?
    AIDS?
    HIV?
    DV?
    Duluth wheel?
    Rescue me!
    Murder?
    Jump
    Dive
    Fall
    Ac/Dc
    Hang on
    Mute!
    Akitsaws
    Die
    Dead
    No
    Stop
    Emergency what service do you require?
    Forensic tent
    S A F E multiple
     
  7. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    If I dare
    If I don't
    Words are stuck in my throat
    Write a letter
    Make a note
    Anything to relieve my throat!
    I'm filled with fear
    I'm never here
    If the scale was this severe
    It was, it is, I'm sink or sieve
    I'm all broken inside
    It's hard for me to reside
    In this body with scars it hides
    Adverse childhood experiences
    So many to count I should be dead
    Adults blinded then muted now
    How now can my silence roar
    Lions come at night I'm sure
    Break these bones, slice this skin
    Just please don't muscle in
    Torrure is not a flippant word
    I use it here as a firm descriptive
    The action or practice of inflicting severe pain on someone as a punishment or in order to force them to do or say something.
    I couldn't speak, I couldn't move
    I'm kicking out, I'm biting down
    I'm banging my head to break this crown
    Let me out
     
  8. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Somewhere out there
    There is a loving force
    That seems too know when
    you are on your knees
    When tough gets so tough
    You don't care for much stuff
    your whole body is so ignited
    you can't regulate your
    temperature, your mouth is
    dry.
    Your blood seems to be
    dripping around inside.
    How valuable is time? Priceless
    To those who have little
    To those who fight for more
    Some situations are impossible
    Some are too hard to endure
    And then a ray of sunshine
    takes your breath away
    Or you swear this little bird
    has come to only you to say
    "Good day!"
    It's the catatonic
    It's the I'm not ok
    That's only purpose
    is to be so stunned
    there is nothing coming out
    & nothing more can be taken in.
    Freeze, frozen, freeze
    It's the graphics my neopurons seize
    Then frames are projected into space
    Outside my head, I'm staring at an
    empty wall full of crazy things
    They don't have any editing
    they're just raw dark mind stains
    Then I leak without movement
    trauma tears roll down my cheek
    I am not comforted by this numb
    Locked in words I can't express
    My body is shaking stress
    But it won't fall away
    Starring at the plain walls
    as my brain refuses to register
    My heart is beating slowly
    My breath it shallows down
    This is when I experience
    A feeling I am emotionally
    drowned.
    Tapping on the window
    Knocking on my door
    Nothing is forewarning
    I'm done in & curled up
    in a ball.
    A significant formation
    that captivates my will
    When rock & roll are
    actions, onlookers would
    seek to console
    I'd push them away
    So to protect them from
    the pictures that just want
    to stay
    Come back
    Come back
    It's my fear & shame that
    dismiss you
    In this state I can't accept
    A loved one trying to
    kiss you.
    There it is the splitting
    stab that makes her 15
    again
    She's misty wet & Blankety
    Blank
    She's mind dead
     
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  9. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    With my livelihood at risk
    My biggest fear is unleashed
    That I run the risk of loosing
    everything.
    Only something so strong doesn't
    see this as wrong, some hoe the
    price for the truth, was always
    going to be high!
    I'm not immune to its affects, in a
    strange way, I think I'm ok.
    I guess there's a pressure point in
    life that, produces a reserve fight.
    I can't tell you how long it will last
    I can't tell you anything will be ok
    But I'm kinda expecting to loose
    a grip on everything now.
    And only time will tell what's left.
    I'm kind of scared how numb I feel
    & hope my 15 year old self doesn't
    steal my reaction remote.
    She has a habit of going straight
    for ther throat.
    For now I'm going to chow down
    & expect the worst & hope for the best.
    Bearing in mind best is a rest!
     
  10. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    When you fearful of someone's might
    You are assuming they will shadow
    your light
    There's something so strong about
    Light it's seen in the morning &
    at night.
    Ain't no total darkness
    Ain't no way you recognise the
    light unless you e been in the
    dark so long
    You can see
    I've got rather good night vision
    And I'm not afraid of the dark
    I wonder if the dark is fearful
    of the light?
    This week invoked that the light
    shine in every corner of my life
    Expose everything
    Expose every flaw in me
    so I can learn more about me
    None is exempt
    Not everyone welcomes it
    But people in glass houses
    Shouldn't throw stones
    And if you can't first correct yourself
    You don't have any clea sight
    It's not what we think others should
    change, it seeing something in another
    You wanna change in you
    Blessed are the meal for they will
    inherit the earth!
    I don't it the meak would give it
    to somebody else
    In the meantime my flaws need
    cleaning.
     
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  11. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Bullies brand their opinions
    on unchartered folk
    Steering clear is not
    possible when they
    pay you for your yolk
    Chains clatter
    Teeth chatter
    Masters over other
    persons matter
    They project their
    differences
    They persist their
    crooked walk through
    your tired mind
    Elevator to the top floor
    No one ever comes to
    this door
    Air vents, messages sent
    this is not a dress rehearsal
    He's coming with an axe
    to cut you up for all he lacks
    You intimidate the broken
    wait
    You have his doubts proper
    gated
    He's not met someone like you
    One day you might pull the chain
    Flick the light on to his shame
    Special branches bend to
    you & offer a disappearing
    cart
    Wagonwheels & oval wagons
    Take me out of this cavern
    I've been here with dripping
    water tapping on my someone's
    daughter
    Stained I call mind escaping cab
    Take me out of this abusive brag
    Blocks, bricks, breathing tricks
    I'm going to disappear
    Mortar lines & windows
    catch the moon
    Shining down on my
    assaulted womb
    Get out get out
     
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  12. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    What is this draining
    This well & truly spraining
    My body feels riddled with pain
    My mind keeps repeating your
    never going to be the same
    A beckoning to a hallow place
    where memory is laced without
    a trace.
    A phenomenal trauma space
    I'm there, I'm drenched in
    the worst form of the human
    race.
    Expectanus ut moriatur
    Calls me to a hallow dawn
    My energy fades
    a sunken soul
    Submerged in toil of 30 yrs
    Eyes look up & can't look down
    I'm expiali docious
    my paled in parts, to resemble
    fragile shards of once that was
    I'm feeling memories that grip
    my life force & loo it in the
    eye & says "I dare you not to die!"
    A mind stuck shrill, a life stuck pill
    My pelvic is scrunch dried
    Merciful, pleading, maiden bleeding
    Mechanical lesion, like bullets
    still displaced!
    I'm done with carrying your disgrace
    Mercy, mercy me
     
  13. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Pick up your quil
    Dip it in ink
    Let the sum of all
    pain that raises its head again
    Be noted in terms of lost life
    My two eldest daughters
    Have the tainted life of a
    their mothers attack
    Registered in their mind
    No details expose them
    only my raw emotion as
    I become frantic with facts
    The sudden in ability to relax
    Or a film I was physically
    present to watch
    Only wasn't mentally present
    to absorb.
    The need for them to announce
    their arrival to me.
    As they open the door
    & reassure me its no one more
    The shock loss stare
    My daughters are there
    I can't begin to capture
    The damage done to them
    through the damage done to me
    But it's huge, consuming, life altering
    Will their next generation be free?
    It's in the eyes of my mother
    It's everywhere
    It's affected, affecting so many
    Pick up the quil
    I need to write a will
    I don't want any one to inherit
    this scum
     
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  14. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    My heart ps racing & it's not stopping
    If my body is speaking my mind
    It's getting me ready for running
    But I can get out i'm wading the water
    Then I hold my breath & want to sink
    And want to hold my breath and
    never speak
    This isn't the cowards way out
    It's a recognition of my little self worth
    A finish line for all my work
    Itheres something so special
    about this place
    Where my head seems to
    be invited to make some space
    If only it wasn't a porthole to
    another land or maybe while
    there's nothing else planned
    I could step in for 1 more minute
    Feel the held breath that like a
    Magic carpet ready to whisk
    me away
    Ha ha ha bless my soul
    I think I can hear an echo
    As my mind now shouts
    out loud
    "I'm scared"
    But I still want to jump
    row row row your boat
    & get the hell out of
    here
    Grab a shield & a spear
    Nope, no one knows your
    here.
    It's up to you
    It's in your hands
    actions speak louder
    than words
    I'll call GP tomorrow
     
  15. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Juggling while on a unicycle
    With no circus in sight
    Jumping through hoops
    all set alight
    Maintaining the smile
    I'm fine for a while
    I've got this
    Don't worry about me
    How else can I be
    I'm not a quitter
    I'm doing my time
    I've been doing it for
    so long I can't imagine
    Time being mine
    30 years no release
    for good behaviour
    Could anyone under
    this pressure be fine?
    Could anyone with
    such a risk to their career?
    Just not worry that
    your boss sees you as
    a waste of tax payers
    money?
    That this situation should
    be over by now.
    That I can't have it affect
    me any more.
    100% attendance for a while
    now. Working full time &
    smack, bam, no thank you
    mam.
    At a time I risk it all
    the first security falls away
    like a sump hole in my life
    What's the next sense of
    security to disappear?
    Maybe one in another
    revelation I'll hear.
    A life partner may disappear.
    Some how this dread makes
    sense, the one that feels
    past tense
    And yet the one ahead
    that feels like a 30 ft fence
    As the secure bricks fall
    beneath me
    no new feeling rises yet?
    The hollow, broken, life
    draining feeling has been
    constant for so long
    I don't think I have
    another stress gear left
    my gear stick today
    up and left
    So I stand on a pinnacle
    With nothing but crashing
    waves around me
    No clue if I'm going to
    sink or swim
    Or the sea drags me
    completely in
    AND I DON'T GiVE A ****
    I'm in the middle of it
    & I ain't moving
    I'm not running any more
    I'm not even looking at
    a safe shore
    I'm so done with this
    It needs to be done with me
    ASAP
    Because nothing & no one
    is worth more than the truth
    to me!
     
  16. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    I can't bite my tongue
    I can't keep this in
    I'm running the risk
    of knowing exactly
    where to begin
    Grafffiti skin
    don't butt in
    Shh your doing
    my head in
    Scream, shout
    let it all out
    These are the things I
    can do without
    Tears for fears
    or fears for tears
    I'm not good with
    a gag order
    I'm in here scream
    The face of dread
    I can't keep all these
    scenes in my head
    Especially the ones
    of the dead
    This container is
    melting, bleached
    burnt, scorched &
    scrapped.
    Seeping, spilling
    all together telling
    this cycle in my head
    is forcing me my skin to
    shed
    Place a bottle at the
    foot of my bed if I don't
    drink it you'll know I'm
    dead
    Who will battle on my behalf
    I've carried my cross
    but can't bare it
    I'm getting lost in here
    Fusion
    thoughts welded tight
    I'd smash them up
    I'd rip them apart
    Only thing is they are
    so close to my heart
    I'm running out of words
    but not memory shards
    A flag half mast
    a banner of fact
    The protester in me
    is desperate to break free
    But free & me don't bode
    well
    Perhaps I will try
    anarchy
    unrest
    disturbances
    When all I really
    want is peace
     
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  17. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    And so the demolishing begins
    Bulldozer leaving intimidating message
    Reference a collaborative sin
    The tightening of the ring
    The loosening of my grip
    Is it reality that I can hear drip?
    What you gonna do
    With your girly shoe?
    stamp me out
    or stuff it in my mouth?
    Your millipede creepy
    and I'm Rafiki
    But It does matter even if it's
    in the past!
    Your calling your tribe
    claiming your sweet
    How come you treat
    me like harpooned meat?
    I'll pray
    you don't prey on me again
    I can't dodge your bullet
    but I'm screaming
    Ain't no one shouting
    at this screen "scream!"
    your intimidation
    sharpens my mind
    the shavings are bloody
    sick, you men together you
    stick
    I'm bold in hear
    I'm not outside
    But here is where
    I exercise my mind
    Without my free recall
    my ability to digitally capture
    my mind, body & soul
    would trauma fracture
    no plaster paris patch would
    surfice
    Rather I'd imagine putting my
    head in a vice & tighten it till
    pop went my eyes
    So I don't have to see any
    of you again
    Your rat infested den
    I feel my bow flex stretched
    Truth arrows are plentiful
    and rest on my chest
    6 months ago
    I'd of killed me for you
    Today of you push me
    I'm ready to fire
    No red button threat of
    mass destruction
    Truth is my weapon
    my shield & at my
    sole discretion.
    As a warrior who doesn't
    fear death, makes being
    killed a physical thing.
    But what I'm not prepared
    to loose is the truth.
    I'm the cassette
    the proof & for that reason
    I'm left with no option, but
    to be locked up in a safe
    place
    Your can't catch me I'm the
    Gingerbread wo man
    I know my foxes from
    dirty polecats
    The question may be
    am I dead or alive?
    You may take a while to
    understand why
    I've been both for too long
    stranger words compile
    under a confidential
    file
    With no alphabetical
    exclusion
    buttons & bows
    fingers & toes
    everyone knows
     
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  18. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    octogenarian agave
    will I be like thee?
    I'm literally very comfortable
    with my whole life hanging in
    the balance
    I don't even see it as a
    loss of life
    To not have one
    because I don't
    I'm no longer frightened
    of death
    I mean totally
    I haven't broken through
    the wall of mortality
    I've just realised what side I've
    been on all my life
    As in I've been more frightened
    to have a life
    Why?
    If no one values what you've got
    How can you?
    Not that I do t value the lives others
    have.
    I'm good at that.
    It's so liberating to not fear
    death, but rather see it
    as an emergency exit
    What a blessing death is.
    I'm comfortable with someone
    taking my life completely
    but not as they have
    & stay alive.
    I'm not depressed
    I'm not mad I'm what
    life has made me
    & through detaching from the
    fear of being killed
    I'm actually eternally grateful
    to death.
    Such a negative press
    The grim reaper
    it's not evil or dark or bad
    It's a blessing
    "Who wants to live for ever?"
    "What is this thing that builds our dreams, yet slips away from us?"
    Hope?
    Now that's the real reaper
    It has cut down every strand of hope
    I've ever had
    The common "strung along"
    Cryptic con
    a systemic enigma
    that doesn't ever materialise
    I can't hold out for a life to
    begin
    PTSD has hard wired me
    What, therefore is free to me?
    Isn't true love letting someone go
    even though
    You may never hold them again?
    That in your open palms you reflect on
    your loved ones torturous existence
    And support its factory reset
    Better to reset the vessel & loose the
    content, than to contain the toxic
    content.
    Some bombs must need detination
    rather than working out the wiring.
    I've been working on my wiring for
    16 years & it's so miss fired, it's
    never going to be wired.
    Do you keep a burnt rice?
    Or do you accept its beyond
    suffice.
    I've given everything my all.
    I'm not giving others the billet
    to make me fall.
    If it's to be my life
    it's a life I will control
    No one deserves the right
    to finally steer my life.
    When they didn't steer it
    to beaufiful.
    Instead the critics, destruct
    you.
    With what if's and opinions
    about you, there's literally no
    where to remind you of you.
    This is the worst distress
    the one that sees the
    massive radius of this distress
     
  19. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    With the most clarity
    comes the most difficult
    words
    I know what I mean when
    I write them
    It's when something clicks
    makes sense
    No,wonder some words
    Turn of phrase may not
    make sense to others
    It's not meant for others
    I'm selfish here
    I write to relieve me
    of something that gets
    no relief in my life
    I'm not an editor
    I express
    rather than repress
    Held captive of mind
    my weight excels
    Sciatica a 3 month pain
    walking, movement so
    inflamed
    From the highest ride to
    the lowest
    My body mass followest
    To numb the zones
    with trauma tones
    Then as my swallow
    gasps my unnumbing
    has me refrain from
    grazing
    Scream shout let it all
    out
    I'm just about
    shhh
    It's oh so quiet
    She's about to
    start a riot
    It's not a state
    of not caring
    It's a fact I'm
    so deep nothing
    on the surface floats
    And I'm drowning in
    anxiety
    Cortisol cocktails
    of dread & sudden
    richter scale 10
    Splits my pelvic
    & joy reality
    reaches out to,
    take hold on my
    own throat
    I'm suffocating
    drowning
    burning &
    freezing
    but I go about me
    daily chores &
    then I thought from
    deep within
    Tells me to take
    steps to escape this
    contorted state
    the crooked, spirals
    in my mind hypnotise
    me to call time.
    While I robotically
    repeat I'm fine.
    While buying a wicker
    vessel online.
    I try to to tell those all
    around but they see me
    crochet & plan for Christmas
    The hand of time is quick to
    shift, if only my mind did.
    I can't appraise this trauma
    maize
    Everyone would think of me
    as a chaotic haze
    I'm fine
    I promise I'm trying to be
    God help me
     
  20. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2004
    Messages:
    1,035
    Likes Received:
    257
    She gazed a while
    She knew the price of saving grace
    She's harlequin drenched
    In hundreds & thousands
    with no cherry on top
    She's breaking the mould
    Her story will be told
    She's packed it in vinegar
    and brown paper
    In the hope for a restorative
    favour
    She's stained with bleach
    and smeared in failure
    Don't forget she's lost
    and there's no one to
    save her
    Don't forget she once was
    here
    Looking for light from
    a saviour
     
    Energylz likes this.

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