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Rape & Complex PTSD

Discussion in 'Mental & Emotional' started by Survivor, Nov 15, 2004.

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  1. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Chop, chop, chop off your head
    Evil acts performed by animals, enough said!
    Not isolated, not finally finished
    My sense of self has been permanently deminahed
    When life has been all but full extinguished
    The percentage of fails not reduceed by percentage wished.
    When tigers come at night, my body could not fight
    The only adults is sight are the ones who maintain their joint might.
    Ickle people can't get men off & they can't get them out if they don't know how,they got in.
    Sensory overload can't compute, fear & panic
    I'm kaput.
    Someone help me dig up my roots before I fall & damage all.
    No you can't cut me down thats already been done, my stump left by amputation is showing no sign of new growth, not even life?.
    I used to think this was just dormant, it's never stopped erupting
    So let's get on & dig it out, it's not like nature is on my side
    or,she would have pulled back the river, formed me a bridge,
    told me I didn't have to walk out on the ledge.
    Now I've been out on it for so long, jump has become a popular song.
     
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  2. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    So many posts I can't share here
    The consequences would be to severe
    I leave enough to keep me alive
    As I express reality here that has no place in my present life.
    So instead some memories remain my sole responsibility, a kind of security bond to myself.
    I never imagined keeping secrets about what's
    happened to me for so long.
    Then I never imagined the capability of those
    who made me, would still maintain.
    Or should I say now I know as It was demonstarted to me over many years. That now spell out crimes Ingrained in me & then scorched & burnt.
    When life teaches you to shut up or die
    Your don't ever have to question why
    I'm the recording, the cctv, the sound, the forensics,
    the action replay.
    Only my eyes, my ears, my please don't kill me tears,
    are frozen by a complex compilation, whereby without me they never happened. Therefore with me they are to others like weaver fish barbs.
    Only I've never gotten under anyone's feet before, as I've mastered avoidance of so many people, places & among other things. I've shrouded my eyes in shades & my life in other people's water,to wade.
    "Go tell it on a mountain, over the hills & far away."
    I strongly believe this is the only possible way
     
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  3. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    When another part of life looks you
    face on & says "I'm going to break you"
    I look back & break the news
    When you've been so broken
    that you can't break any more
    In a strange way your stronger
    than ever before
     
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  4. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    In abusive homes
    Reality is often denied
    I realised today that
    I have always had to
    Document my life
    So i can turn to it
    for familiar comfort
    It grounds me &
    no matter what abuse
    striped me of
    I could,still find me
    in my documented
    items, notes, pictures
    And since 2004
    I've had the safest
    place to store
    myself
    Park my fears
    Still hide my tears
    And most importantly
    I can release my terror
    right here
    No one can rip it up
    burn it or take away
    writing implements
    The skin would have
    been my note pad
    when 15
    I could rub that
    out if at risk of being seen
     
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  5. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Its time to pack up
    It's time to put away
    I'm sorry I couldn't sort you out
    I'm sorry I didn't predict that clout
    The storm of denial is edging close
    Only this time I'm without a protective coat
    No one can shelter us
    The elements can't hurt us
    If it's the, we soles trust
    I know I'm frightened too
    But I comfort you & you comfort me too
    Our mind must save every drop of hope
    No, stop! don't grab my throat
    Fois gras or iron bar
    I can't breath I'm shutting this away
    In my life I must stay
    Don't you flood me with
    memories stuck with these
    Please now please
    An open road a ferry ride
    i've seen the weapon they
    are trying to hide
    Sow up my lips
    before I screaM
    M is slaying my
    Offload dream
    Zips pulled tight
    All luggage bound tight
    Now no going out tonight
     
  6. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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  7. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    My words erased for fear
    My anonymity disappear
    I'm filled with frustration
    I can't explain to
    professionals who
    will think me fixated on
    procedures, details or
    clarification.
    I'm not being rude
    It's not even a want
    It's a safety need
    onlookers see no threat
    I am instead wired to never forget
    If only everyone knew
    If only my maps from life
    could be downloaded
    You would understand
    I navigate others away
    from the nest
    It's full of nasty pests
    They sting, they stung
    They rape for fun
    They are not afraid to use
    a ____
    To explain I would be on
    another shore
    To,protect my mind, body & soul
    Or I would be completely destroyed
    It would be like I have
    lit the fuse
    And the explosives would
    destroy every scrap of evidence
    in me.
    You can't un see, hear of feel
    & worst of all you can't shift it out
    of real
    You don't have to be on a field of war
    To recognise the enemy getting
    closer to where you feet touch the floor
    They seem to know each step I take
    I'm sire this fuels a spontaneous
    outburst, when actually I want to
    burst out & spontaneously disappear
    Instead I stand tall & firm
    This battle is mine but on their terms
     
  8. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Steps, strides, darn right thieves
    Pulling you back when your trying to leave
    A feeling forwards, a feeling behind
    Actions of men in me reside
    Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide
    A sudden memory, a painful leg
    I'm not ruling out my desperation level is beg
    Clearly keeping it together is a gagged release
    But letting it go is a life that will cease
    Functionality my only goal
    While these memories take their toll
    I'm repeating myself
    I'm looping
    yet without a sound
    Who knows if the sky is bright behind the clouds?
    Who knows if cuddles are undercover shrouds?
    Was your life inside out
    Did you express a feeling & then get a clout
    Did you run away & return to make sure your parents where ok?
    Even though behind you eyes were pictures of war that caused you to be occupied.
    No surrender, no salute, this war was with a child
    who defended her borders. But resistance was futile
    as barricades a blown apart
    The number approaching is beyond comprehend
    Please gentle Jesus let this attack end
     
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  9. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    You don't judge a person by what they have in their bin
    You don't judge a rape victim by what they have etched outside & In
    You don't judge s person by the symptoms of a cold
    You don't judge a person by the symptoms of PTSD
    You don"t judge a car, that's been through a hit & run
    You don't judge a rape victim that's been written off!
     
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  10. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Your witty
    Your sincere
    Your everything I need to hear
    Your determind
    Life affirming
    You've never let me down
    Your clever
    Your humble
    You'll never crumble
    Your brave & courages
    Your good natures outrageous
    You really care
    Your going somewhere
    Your a healer through & through
    Your inspiring
    Your death defying
    Your integrity is honourable
    Your empathy is second to none
    Your my very own me
    Your my only someone
     
    #810 Survivor, Oct 27, 2018
    Last edited: Oct 27, 2018
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  11. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Excuse me there's a lot to express
    The nights of terror the mornings of dread
    I'm sixes & sevens
    I'm just about dead
    I'm back again eyes open wide
    A new day with luck by my side
    I'm floored I'm mauled everything
    becomes all untoward
    I'm screaming, I'm crying
    I'm silent not replying
    A new day with luck in my eyes
    I'm taken by surprise, my limbs
    are now objects that get prised
    I'm bruised, I'm battered
    I'm shaking, I'm shattered
    I'm slower
    I'm faster
    I'm all together looking
    for new pasture
    I'm fragile
    I'm agile
    I'm grabbed & defiled
    A new day is missing
    A part of me is too
    One, two buckle my shoe
    Three four
    I'm stuck on the floor
    Knock knock I'm not answering
    That door
    I didn't have too the door has
    gone
    There's no to hide
    There's no where to run
     
  12. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    PTSD night terror a name I can now call
    My convulsive like nocturnal disturbances
    The ones that have be so terrified
    My whole body literally shakes
    Teeth chattering
    Involuntary movements lashing to
    get out of the scene my unconscious mind
    just got too.
    I'm stuck in the terror, it's not a bad dream
    It's the reality that petrified me at such a level
    It's ingrained literally in the pathways of my mind
    That lead to a terror that left me dead
    I am overwhelmed by the clinical reference I now
    have, it in some shape & form helps me understand
    The level of my PTSD that still haunts me
    And there is the most amazing news
    That after 30 years there is a medication for me
    to take. It's ability to limit this experience Unknown
    But even the idea something could help is miraculous.
    I hope others who have suffered what I have can as a result of my long journey, get the same opportunity.
    For me the name of what is happening to me at night has been the most life altering affect of the actual experience. Because it has always been they're experience of the terror my body registered because of the unimaginable terror of what men were doing to me. The night terrors mean they re rape me over & over & over again. The reason why when someone says time to move on. It is the most ill informed opinion & most hurtful of suggestions. PTSD means these men are still raping me & like the initial attack by nature was unpredictable & I could have never predicted it. Every night I have the courage to sleep is laced with the fear that this night I could fall into the re experience of the rapes & when my whole body convulses at the terror of it I come around & I'm not where I was when I fell asleep I am teleported by my nervous system to the rapes. Only my conscious mind can not initially break me out of where I am because I am not mentally conscious in the place I have woken too. I have rather woken in a panic that is rooted in an atrocity that happened 30 years before. But I don't know that when my body it thrashing out,, my teeth chattering & my whole being. Raped & there is still nothing I can do to stop them!
    so to hear Friday that there might be is like winning the nervous system lottery!.
    Only difference being no amount of money can guarentee my prognosis, here's hoping advances in medication can
     
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  13. Energylz

    Energylz Moody-rator ©
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    Let's hope that helps. :)
     
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  14. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    The shore of paradise
    and their you will be
    You will contaminate my
    crystal clear sea
    The peak of the heights
    mountain I dare to climb
    You will be ready to trip me
    up or pull me down
     
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  15. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Mindful walks
    Kinesthetic pleasure
    I want to stay here for ever & ever
    Nature whispers in my ear "come to me!"
    I sit, I stare, I ramble without a care
    I stay present
    I walk tall
    The sound of water beckons me home
    I marvel in the warm winter sun
    I hear the birds sing up for me
    Let me rest my weary being
    & start a new beginning
     
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  16. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    More & more I understand
    Why in HP I frequent
    It's my place where truth is sent
    Where I can gove words
    To harrowing scenes
    That by its breadth, it's height & weight
    Should be in a public domain
    Atrocities so destroying
    You'd expect some documentation
    But crimes of vile & inhuman acts
    Are not what victims want to have snatched
    The shame, the filth, the frozen state
    I'm slowly realising, reporting is an act trauma matched
    It's at so many levels not an option
    Your mind & body has been through a
    violating operation
    No consent, no prognosis, not a seconds notice
    Broken into, scared & defiled
    The go to response is denial
    I don't give my conscious mind the credit
    This response was purely automatic
    Stuck, stunned, all together shunned
    No wonder I thought I had already died
    When no light inside you is acknowledged
    I was but a slab of flesh, my will was over run
    With chaos that caved me in
    Here I have spoke from inside a grave
    When reduced to a bag of bones
    there is no place you would rather go
    I couldn't curl up in a ball
    I was stuck rigid to the floor
    No movement allowed
    Not even a sound
    Dead was the perfect state to rape

    Without this forum, space & place
    My mind would never have been able
    To keep up with the pace
    The secret world of disturbing tapes
    That play out in a brain that wired to
    a ptsd dead end

    HP you became anther road
    That's safe & roomy, no signs prohibiting
    me freedom of speech.

    A speech muted by a life i want to keep
    And yet underneath a life of trauma that still
    threatened my life, my sleep & my sanity.
    To them silence I will eternally keep
    To me a smuggled letter to the outside
    world. I'm in here & im feeling 15 year old!
     
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  17. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    So my life feels like one big
    marketing ploy at the moment
    Readers digest
    Send us more energy that you don't have to give &
    we might send you some back.
    Or to release your jackpot winnings
    Send us an IOU cheque for every penny you have
    & we have already printed a cheque with your name on it.
    Yeah right, how many promises?
    But there not are they.
    Promise-
    Definition of promise. 1 a : a declaration that one will do or refrain from doing something specified.
    So to be straight not doing what one declares & not refraining to do what one has specified means someone can break two versions of a promise in one go!

    My word is my word & a promise a promise.
    i foolishly believe others words & promises.
    No wonder I am left scrutinising actions or should I say the lack of them.

    I'm not sensing an ability for me to trust!
    Nothing really that new then.

    I must get a magnifying glass for the small prints in my life
     
  18. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    She pushes him away
    She's feeling on edge
    Her perimeter is a trauma hedge
    Her reactions ate extreme
    She's not present I her scream
    She's in another time & space
    She definitely doesn't feel apart
    of the human race.
    She's on the outside looking in
    An invite for a drink with the girls
    Fills her with impending doom
    There's no way she can go
    there's no room
    In her head that is
    And then there's how she
    will look, which is nothing
    like i'm supposed to be
    Ok you know she is me
    A grinding, mincing, squished
    feel is twisting through my being
    Do,other beings just be?
    Do other not beings feel like me?
    What if here didn't exist?
    I think I would be completely
    lost in my head
    Here keeps its all in a line
    Chronological some kind of order
    I can give to my inner disorder
    And then anxiety smacks my face
    Snap out of this emotional disgrace
    Your a mess, your distressed
    You no good for no one
    "My traumas loop, I'm not loopy"
    "The situations are mad, I'm not"
    "I'm not in a right state, I'm in s rape state"
    "My minds not messed up, it's wired by being messed"
    "I'm not mentally ill. I'm mentally challenged"
    "I'm not a failure, I've failed to be am I"
    She was hurt
    She was scared
    She was waiting to seep into the ground
    She's cold, wet, frozen & stunned
    She can't get comfort from her mum
    She's number than numb
    She pushes them all away
    She don't want them to fall into her hole
    She's not going to tell anymore
    M is for M like C is for crime
    She's hoping it won't be mine
     
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  19. Zandalee

    Zandalee Active Member

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    Wow! Each day or evening I hear your poetry or maybe you have another name for the verses but Regards you have a talented. Thank you for your daily post.
     
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  20. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Thank you Zandalee

    Words are fluidity to me
    They move when I can't
    They open doors
    They close Windows
    They lift my spirit
    They release my stuckness
    They are a shield of truth
    They dare to walk where angels fear to tread
    They take the monsters out of my head
    They liberate the worst of states
    They invite me to find a pathway out of my head
    They are safe here
    They embrace me once defined
    They express the confines of my mind
    They are side effect free
    They are externalised pain
    An umbrella from all the trauma rain
    They are the breaking of my silence, at times I am mute.
    They are connections when shards of memory
    are piercing my brain.
    They are the shadows & echos in my mind
    The gentle invite to be sublime
    They are my sight when I am blind
    Without this articulation
    I would have remained captive
    out at sea, in a storm I never weathered well
    That tried to capsize my sanity
    They are my wings so I can soar
    When disturbing thoughts are forcing me to moor on
    abusers shore
     
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