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Rape & Complex PTSD

Discussion in 'Mental & Emotional' started by Survivor, Nov 15, 2004.

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  1. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Birds flying high
    I wish I knew how they feel
    It's not a new day or a new dawn
    While I am locked away!
    What I have learnt in
    my confinement is:-
    I do risk everything for the truth
    If that is all I am left with so be it
    The truth is all I possess that
    can't be taken away.
    I wish I didn't need to
    see so much truth
    It's the opposite to
    my denial
     
  2. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    It would be easier for those around me if I lost my mind
    Little chance of that, I've not long had it back
    It would be easier for those around me, if I crashed & burnt out
    No chance I gave catatonic a clout
    It would be easier for those around me, if I developed amnesia.
    Trauma doesn't assist amnesia, rather the opposite for a life time.
    No need to tip toe, if there are no tulips
    No one is indispensable
     
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  3. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    I had become comfortably numb
    Now I'm uncomfortably done
    I can't explain, you would not understand
    This is not how I am
    I would love to have fun!
    I'm not depressing, I'm rather light
    It's not the darkness that I fight
    i surrender all, causes me to
    hold back & stall
    I can't surrender this muscular repelling
    I don't think I ever will
    In that vein, I refuse to let go
    My pelvic floor has no release
    How loud is my NO?
    If my cells could only tell
    I'm campaigning for myself
    I'm protesting for my release
    All the while trying to keep the peace
    No trust
    No faith
    No unberating state
    This is when I feel over whelmed
    suffocating where am I?
    Perhaps I'm being held in a unconscious place
    Maybe in a realm I'm on life support
    I can't get back because there is something
    Stuck in my throat
    Maybe there's a life for me to wake up into
    Question is how do I escape the one
    I'm strapped too
    When dimensions stretch & climb
    I imagine onlookers would think I'm insane
    its not my mind that is disordered
    It's the acts that were performed inside of me
    My mind is understandably challenged
    at times I am but a grain of sand
    And they are the highest hill
    looking down & ridiculing me
    "You can't speak out, your soooo much smaller than me"
    Cut out my tongue & im still screaming
    Take my eyes & I can still see what you did.
    I'm living proof & that is a huge risk
    Insanity would suit you well
    Another casting from your denial spell
    Sprinkle it over my broken mind & you will see
    There is something truly magical in me
    My will, my stealth like stay still!
     
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  4. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    No fear greater than a subsequent attack
    No panic greater than he who is lurking at the back
    No anxiety greater than this flash back
    Trauma sown is reaped by its victim
    Trauma harvest is cockroaches crawling
    up your back
    It's a torment that begs you to flip out
    I'm so done with that
    Give my bullet proof vest and metal hat
     
  5. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    It is what it is
    I wish it were not so
    A fact is a fact
    An opinion retract
    Why did you have too
    Off only you hadn't
    What is life without shadows
    What is fear without acknowledgement
    To some they assess the risk is low
    They don't have irreversible memory in tow
    To them it's a house of cards, if left alone
    without a breeze, there is no threat as long
    as you don't sneeze.
    How about when I can't breathe
    No dead animal left on my door
    No postcard to remind me how they treated me
    like a prey to be scorned.
    They don't need to do one thing more
    to tattoo my inner vicinity with whore.
    Like an unborn child prayed for to rid their sin
    I never engaged, I never allowed them in
    Breaking & entry & entry & breaking
    I'm so sick of repeating
    Get out
    Get off
    Get...........
    When broken, like porcelain it never truly restores
    Your only ever reminded of your flaws
    I'm sure in the incarnation my lessons are done
    Please release me now & let me go
    my life has become an unlawful show
    I quit, I'm leaving, I'm seriously done
    I'm passing this burden to an obis of
    darkened sun
    Be mute my heart, be mute my mind
    heaven is a silence I wishj to find
    Don't be sad, don't shed a tear
    I'm never going to settle here
    My nervous system is electrified
    One more attack & I'm well & truly fried
    Get out get off
    Get.......
     
  6. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    North, east, south west
    Which direction can provide me rest
    Time has me out of my depth
    The earth has me out on a limb
    The sky has no limit for context
    The sun clouds my sight
    The moon draws out my fright
    My mind confirms no fight
    My body contaminated with fear
    My ears frightened to hear
    My heart full of the truth
    My belly full of rage
    My muscles full of lactic acid
    My brain is trying to disengage
    My feet miss the sea
    I miss me!
     
  7. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Put on the "I'm ok face"
    Meet for lunch with members of our family race
    I'm heating up my heart in a rush, I feel trapped
    in a place that is surrounded in hush.
    If truth could be brought here now
    No one would be sitting around
    Instead it takes a seat outside
    With the window by my side
    It rattles at the window pane
    Being me to make my notice the same
    I'm not rattling any tribe
    I want to be released this time.
    Sure as day I'm caught in time
    Hoping my strength will up sticks
    & help me run.
    Smile, smile this should be fun!
     
  8. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Get togethers have never been fun for me
    For as long as I can remember
    Hospitalised on many an occasion
    a quick release from crippling physical &
    psychological burnout no doubt
    Avoided a number of trigger points
    that way, also in those days hospital
    felt safe at night. With restricted access
    &I lock down after a time.

    My neck is frozen
    I can't move freely
    panic settles in
    Sleep checks out
    A truck of memories
    swamp me
    Pockets
    Break me, as textures
    scrape me
    Temperature shakes me
    God please don't forsake me
     
  9. jnani

    jnani Well-Known Member

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    Teresa dear, saddened to see that you are still in it.
    You already know this, but I say it again anyway- It can leave you if you let it.
    Love
     
  10. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Namaste Jnani,

    One thing I have learnt about advise over the last 3 years is that it's best left to the professionals who I meet weekly. It's challenged me to consider that online chat is not contextualised, proportionate or reflective of the whole picture of ones life.

    I also see how the beliefs of others are so often given as matters of fact, rather than opinions one feels compelled to share.

    I don't abruptly dismiss your comment, I rather, boldly express that you while many would never dream of diagnosing someone's physical health complaint, let alone prescribe treatment for it. The sooner we see mental health complaints as being worthy of the same caution, the sooner professional treatment will be sort & valued.

    I've been exposed to high priced whimsical weekend treatments to change your thoughts & therefore change your life. But I feel strongly that CPTSD changed my life over a lifetime & wired my brain for eternity. Like a physical paralysis that can't be released through thought. Unlike a physical paralysis I have many physical blessings to literally help me to walk out into life daily & make the most of every waking moment. But CPTSD will affect me for life & those who believe that CPTSD can leave me if I let it are charlatans praying on injured minds. Disrespecting their deformity & eluding to it all being in my head.

    Its taken me 30 years to not feel ashamed of my broken parts or my mental scars.
    I have someone to love me as I am
    I won't let others break me down to dust
    when I'm healing.
    As the sharpest life experience left me with nothing but dust.

    I am who I'm meant to be, this is me
    I'm marching on to the beat I drum
    I make no apologies, this is me

    I am bursting through the barricades
    and reaching for the sun, I am a warrior,

    My words here are often the shells, catridges
    & residue of the vile waves of actual, factual
    emotions that are showering me now, because
    my nervous system protected me from them as they happened. Like an umberella of fight, flight & freeze,
    that wrapped me in a robe of light & clothed me
    in denial. Until such time I deem myself worthy of healing, good enough to reclaim my life.

    This thread does not plenish the WWW with
    details that pertain to a. conclusion.
    I have not arrived yet!
    So I can't be released from somewhere I have yet to reside.
    I'm getting into my life not being released from it.

    Despite the outbursts here from my troubled psyche
    Please don't think my state is constantly so.
    If everything I eliminated from my body was judged to represent me. WOW how **** would my life seem.
    So as everything I eliminate from my mind is in this thread (with the exception of drawings etc) I understand you judge me to be "still in it".
    When in reality I'm not because it is left here.

    Sorry HP it would seem I have just referenced you as being my mental health sewer. But technically you are & I feel a darn sight better for it.

    Thank you Jnani! You always provoke an opportunity for me celebrate just how far I have come.

    Please don't think me of stuck, I'm soaring so high
    above this thread I havn't had to worry where my thoughts land. But your comment prompts me to apologise, in doing so you can't see me at all x

    Love & light x
     
  11. jnani

    jnani Well-Known Member

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    Teresa, it's great to see you acknowledge your own progress. your poems don't convey that. That's the only reason i responded. Good to know that you are making progress and even more important than that is that you know it.

    Perhaps let this thread soar a little higher too to match with your real height and true flight....after all it is an aspect of you, as in it comes out of your experience both of victimization as well as going beyond that

    Celebrating how far you have come with you....maybe keep us readers abreast of that aspect too.
    Vibrationally putting out your win and celebrations can bring joy to yourself as well as your readers.
    Greatest tragedies in literature as well as in real life do have moments of comic relief.

    It is not you alone, your readers take a trip along side you. As your scenery along the road changes, as a reader I would love to see that in your musings. Otherwise, they feel you are still passing in that terrible, fearful landscape.
    In reality a little light has filtered in, a freshness in air has happened....I would like to read about that too. It will help.
    That's all
    Love
     
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  12. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    jnani,

    Such a Beautiful light you shine on me & thanks to you I am keen to recognise how far I have come.
    You are so right in drawing my focus to how far I can pull away from scenes that petrify me.
    I will consciously capture here how my soul escapes the shadows of the past.

    Thank you!

    Love & light

    X
     
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  13. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    I stand, not so tall
    I speak but never call
    I've found my voice
    It carries me
    I've found a strength
    he married me
    I sing, the songs are
    power based
    I work each day
    then after at home I stay
    To lift my head is sometimes
    rough, after nights when
    dreams have become
    real tough
    I still commit to prior
    arrangements
    Though many become
    disengagements
    I smile, I laugh, I sink
    I float
    A Suns helps me to
    clear my throat
    My emotions feel
    like seasons
    Frozen, fresh, hot & cold
    I'm cycling, walking, kayaking
    and more a cliff path has
    a particular draw
    It calls me to tackle
    it's ups & downs
    It's mighty lifts & its
    major falls
    I write, I paint, I even draw
    a form of expression
    an expresision of war
    Then Poppy's,appear
    from the most baron of floors
    A remembrance
    with no conditional discharge
    time breaks & mindfulness
    restores a healing realm
    This talking up the peaks
    not troughs is rather hard
    & some how full of shards
    My conscious effort has begun
    to share ok days & hours & minutes.
     
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  14. jnani

    jnani Well-Known Member

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    Sing it sista!
    Life is happening to you with all its glory...flowers, thorns, highs lows, bad days good days. It's all in there in every package. You are finally making peace with your own package...
    Peace is finding you and you are letting her find you- that's what matters the most
    LOVE
     
  15. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    The observer

    She smiles most of the day
    Has her engagement with others
    Is from her true nature
    She's congruence embodied
    she is reliable, predictable
    she is funny & witty
    She has such a way with words
    They heal others
    The chime together like healing
    bells to shift any negativity
    She provides others
    with specific feedback
    that leads to compliments
    that lift,those,around her.
    She's a fighter, an advocate
    she won't back down till the
    truth is digested.
    She's fearless, not to be
    confused with unscarred
    She's petrified a lot of the time
    Doesn't stop her though
    When travelling away
    from home she suffers
    terror, disconnection from
    Everything & everyone
    nothing feels,real,
    And yet she gets on the plane
    the train, the bus, the tram
    And even though ech time she
    leaves home to travel awa
    her whole,being screams
    "Your never coming back"
    She packs, she gets to,departures
    And her body gives her electric
    shocks of fear, doom, death
    &"without doubt severe flash
    backs,to come.
    She walks up the stairs to the
    plane, shaking & in agonising
    psychological pain
    And says in her self inside
    While smiling outside
    "Come one then give me your worst"
    She buckles her seat belt & looks,out
    the window. Returning is not an option
    horror waits to steal her first night
    away. Nausea, headache, tension
    all,present & correct,
    This trip his is equal to leaving
    ones atmosphere & no ground control.
    She's in an obis & on occasion
    it's struck her so much her family
    went on without her.
    Only home is no longer safe on
    her own & separation anxiety
    now keeps her captive on her own home.
    She isn't spared intrusive dreams,
    She,wakes to hollow screams
    There's no one here
    The night is still
    An apocalypse has surely
    delivered her to hell.
    Anxiety pins her down
    until a FaceTime call
    She sits up.straigh,and
    genuinely needs to know
    How everyone is & hopes,
    They will,enjoy their holiday
    Duties done she's exhausted
    now laying staring into space
    She forces her body to her feet
    Combs her hair & brushes her teeth
    She steps outside none knows
    her story all they see is her smile
    She doesn't teust walking
    for long as she is triggered
    by I strong.
    "I won't be controlled by these
    images" she halts & then her nervous
    system says flop, freeze, stay perfectly still
    Now to onlookers she's taking a break.
    For her it's tempting to walk into the see
    it's not wet it's a different frequency
    She's not gone made & she can still see
    But trauma has triggered a traumatic
    response.
    She kicks of her shoes to feel the ground
    She holds multiple items in her hand
    She sniffs her perfiume on her wrist
    & unscrolls an embroider list.
    It holds,the names of women who would
    know what she has been through.
    She uses counting & song words to
    unblock,her mind, smelling salts,
    Sharp finger nails to dig in her side
    Come on be present we have to go home
    but home feels like it no longer exists
    She catches a glimpse of herself in a mirror
    She's the wrong age, she wrong shape
    & nothing feels familiar.
    Then some how,she's at home on time for dimner
    Too tired she falls to her bed & here she is forced
    back into her head.
    Being unconscious now would not help her
    fight, so she fights off sleep
    Until the dark of Night pulls her in.
    She wakes frozen unable to breath
    No one to ground her or watch her to return
    to sleep.

    This,is,her life, this,is reality, she takes moments & reflects on how many she has had control of.
    Observer & observed are me!
     
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  16. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    A sudden dread
    There's nothing ahead
    It's all a mirage
    the temperature rises
    There's no air
    I can't take catastrophic
    surprises
    It's ok it's,all in my head
    Life is amazing
    So much to look forward too
    Temperatures just right
    A deep breath makes me
    feel the whole earth Is
    holding me up
    I'll just rest my sleepy head
    I can't wait for another day
    to dawn

    What a load of tosh!
    I can't pretend positivity
    I'm not gloomy
    I'm honest
     
  17. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    She lived in terror

    No comfort could break fright
    Listening, watching, hearing, seeing, feeling
    Was constant, heavy, freezing, boiling, brokeness
    The importance of truth was a matter of life or death
    It was easy for me to be blamed
    And with tempers never tamed
    I was forced to,keep so much in my head
    So things I had to keep in my body
    When people disappear you learn to
    be no trouble, only being compliant
    You don't want to live long
    You don't want to die either
    Because that would be a nasty thing to do
    anyway it's not their fault
    They are pushed to it
    Men are strong & smash things
    They knock problems out the way
    They stand on you, literally walk over you
    Because I was in their way
    apologise for making them hit you
    She stopped eating, drinking, talking, walking
    She didn't know she had
    She just knew she couldn't swallow
    Talking was too,dangerous
    Then not talking was more dangerous
    Then chewing & breathing & crying
    Don't let them see you are alive
    or your dead or maybe you are
     
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  18. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Could I be more lost when found?
    The fear of validation grows
    Have I taken comfort from denial?
    Is the shroud of denial a protection
    I will loose for ever & ever?
    Will my unraveling reveal
    all my vulnerability?
    Will it all seep out?
    Will I be able to redirect the
    flow as this dam is broken.
    Will the enormity & velocity kill me?
    I've technically survived it all
    but not without compartmentalising
    each shock, so to separate thee
    So some have never been through
    the verbal door.
    Shall I shut it, lock it & throw away the
    key?
    I want to keep my eyes shut
    I want to unfeel the textures I gripped
    on too as I begged for it to be over
    I want the lights on
    Then I don't want to see whose here
    To so many they may see the end,
    for me it is the beginning
    As the sun rises & shines on
    my life. It may dehaze the shadows
    But in the shadows I've some how felt safe
    The badness was stored by me
    a container for mans sin.
    But in exposing more, I have no where to hide
    I'm on the inside looking out
    rather than the outside looking in.
    Can your whole life relived in
    quick succession kill you?
    The stacked traumas are on the verge
    of breaking out.
    Like a monsoon that dilutes a grave yard
    My bones are about to surface
    they are all forensically hatched
    They hold the scars of brokenness that
    happened to me.
    So why am I ashamed of what you see?
    Because in the agonising early hours
    of trauma haunting me.
    I never wanted anyone to see what
    still feels inside of me.
    It degrading, masquerading I hide behind
    my shades.
    I death defying also am the opposite to
    unscathed.
    I think the feeling I am feeling is I'm already
    dead. Like the back stories & the agony
    behind them maybe should remain locked
    in my head.
    Is this why at times I want to lock my mouth
    & throw away the key.
    I did already, look,at what it did to me.
    My screams got locked inside of me too.
    In the end they got so loud they broke
    through.
    Exposing them is so damn unfair because
    it exposes you. Only my parts are shattered
    & theirs remain the same.
    What a price I pay for being cast into
    their rape waste drain.
    I'm the one swamped in it while they play
    the lie game.
     
  19. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Snakes & ladders
    stand in my way
    Trying so hard each
    new day
    To rise up
    to step into life
    Only life's dice is
    hell bent on
    Descending bouts
    The serpent doesn't
    feel inanimate
    It slithers & slides
    My body & mind
    Is defiant in stride
    Then power & control
    says you have no where
    to hide!
    So no standing
    No hiding
    & strides resulting
    in descent
    It's fair to
    say trying I
    now strongly
    resent
    This chapter
    doesn't make way
    for a book
    Rather the other
    chapters will
    remain deep within
    There's no way
    I'd ever be safe
    to begin
    Snakes & ladders
    Rise & fall
    With a 2nd chapter
    there would be no
    board game at all
    hell has no fury like
    I women forced not
    to tell
    Even though in hiding
    it consumes all my cells
    truth may force me to
    ring the mercy bell
     
  20. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Lower your head
    Lower your eyes
    What I'm about to
    describe is no suprise
    I've tried to explain
    I've left doors to
    my mind open
    hoping someone would
    see & do the talking for me.
    If I speak I'm programmed to
    self destruct.
    If you could see how I am wired
    on the inside, you would keep
    your distance & call a bomb desposal
    unit.
    Only I wouldn't let them in
    I can't!
    With multiple placements inside
    of me, anyone could get detonatede
    Those who putnthem there all have a
    trigger they have no qualms to press.
    So my words can't paint my pain into
    pictures, so they are off my chest.
    I'm not allowed to print them out.
    Because someone will come & sort me out.
    Some printed, like posters by the activist
    in me, protesting & campaigning
    "Someone set me free"
    Then I dived in to silence & they saw me
    go underground, they must have wished
    by now I would have drowned.
    Threats like red rags to a bull
    One called me out of hiding
    I'm a pacifist, but with his snigger
    I would have gladly taken aim & pull the trigger.
    I lower my head
    I lower my eyes
    I can't release the tension in my thighs
    My body is in so much pain
    I describe as over stretched & snapped in vain.
    I'm finding it literally hard to walk.
    As physical memories are leaving me no room.
    I'm stuck in positions I can't humanly describe.
    This is the contortion that bypasses cry & goes straight to die.
    This ache & grief is unbearable
    This prolonged attack is closing in on my will
    I'd rather break a bone to gain release
    Saw or cut the parts of me that still bare marks of
    the men I call creeps.
    Agitation multiplied by 10, add in pain & the need to rip off your skin. Your getting closer, but no where near.,in relation to my insides which feel like one big degrading smear. Ribbons of flesh & a body now freezing cold. If only my blood supply leaked & let me die. This walking corps wants to fly!
     
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