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Rape & Complex PTSD

Discussion in 'Mental & Emotional' started by Survivor, Nov 15, 2004.

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  1. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    WWI bombs still killing people after 100 years
    Though on so many levels WWI cannot be likened to rape. On one level it is identical, though the attack happened many decades ago, there are for many years memory bombs that are triggered & I am shell shocked ofter them. Literally in shock sight sound smell & pain. I'm back there again, only there are no exits. And over the years I have been missing, yet
    present for,duty in my current life. I learn to contain my self as being alive despite feeling dead at the moment. Yet for some considerable time it feels I am on the other side of life looking in. To those hero's of WWI & the hero's who work to clear the land today. I salute you, as I do my current therapist, who is guiding me through a mind field.
     
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  2. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    I imagine amnesia would be a cure
    Inability to ignite it an impossible chore
    I imagine amnesia would irradiate me
    then reality reminds me that's what rape did
    I imagine my memory then is very important to me
    Hence why I'm obsessed by the truth &
    how denying it causes me to hit the roof.
    Imagine now if you could, that the most life shattering
    act is denied rather than ashamed.
    This leaves me here keeping the truth alive
    With the exception of visitors to this thread to suggest I move on.
    Largely here the facts of my life can't be undone.
     
  3. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Words & thoughts do not lead me out
    now to explore drawing & sketching
    this desperate shout "let me out"
     
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  4. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    I'm learning loads it's not great
    I realise my trauma fate
    Don't talk to me about choices
    to move on, grow or release ones
    self from the past
    CPTSD doesn't allow for such
    Liberty.
    I'm positive, in so much as
    I can be.
    I'm working really really hard
    I could do with a day off
    But so would the terminally ill
    & so life is a gift
    Only mine is faulty & there is
    no extended warranty
    So I'm stuck with this one
    and on so many levels I don't want
    to be.
    Hope holds me
    fear still floors me
    I'm getting up
    I just wish some days I could
    stay down, duck out of the
    sniper range
    But I can't & I never will
    And I'm still standing
    I'm not asking for anyone
    to take your aim
    I'm not bullet proof
     
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  5. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Living with a mind field in my mind
    Is not a choice I would ever make
     
  6. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    I'm caught in a trap
    I can't get out
    & there's no suspicious mind.
    My mind is full of reality
    That I have ignored
    because to acknowledge
    it could force me to
    make changes to
    everything in my life
    So I'm totally understanding
    of how disappearing
    and starting ones life else where
    could be motivated.
    As a mother, grandmother
    I couldn't imagine walking out of
    their lives.
    And yet I can't imagine making
    all the changes to stay either.
    I have had it right for decades
    just head down & work to better
    others lives.
    I can't better mine!
    Only thing is I have been
    forced to look at why I
    should for 3 years now
    & you can't un understand
    and I can't just stand & do nothing.
    My options are so limited
    I feel like I'm free falling
    through life & there is nothing
    to hold onto.
     
  7. Energylz

    Energylz Moody-rator ©
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    Well, I think you are bettering yours by expressing how you feel. That is surely better than holding it all in to yourself.

    p.s. I do like the way you are inspired by song lyrics :)
     
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  8. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Irrefutable truth

    image.jpeg
     
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  9. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Unbearable torment
    i feel punished
    for having men break
    into my being, my life, my head.
    I can't tolerate this feeling
    of injustice
    I've done everything in
    my power to maintain my
    mental health.
    I've worked my therapy
    to its utmost capability.
    I am so disturbed how
    for 3 years I have been
    held in a systemic limbo
    Entering the 4th year
    and I'm so angry!!!
    I'm not a burn victim waiting for ice
    I'm not a fall victim waiting for a cast
    I'm a rape victim waiting for justice
    The first two victims are seen as a
    matter of urgency.
    The 3rd is not treated as a victim
    at all, prove the burns, prove the broken bone.
    How do I prove how I was repeatedly
    broken into & they never left.
    PTSD has the details pulsating through
    a brain I seriously wish someone would pull
    the plug on.
    I'm dying in here
    I'm screaming in here
    I'M a civilised professional women &
    I don't do wild banchee emergency war dances
    But tonight I've had enough
    I can't take another choking feeling
    I can't take another catatonic state
    I can't take another image of chaos that made my body break.
    This is madness, that something so life threatening happened to me & its not acknowledged.
    So it wasn't a murder, but if attempted murder by rapists disinterested in vital signs of existence
    was an offence, then I would be the victim of it.
    But as an offence it doesn't exist, but the PTSD of it still does.
    I'm on the verge of public demonstration
    campaigning for the right to be seen.
    It's such a shame it has got to this, I've tried so hard to heal. But my body & mind feels like chernobyl, where a life altering explosion left me contaminated for a life time. And unlike Chernobyl everyone evacuated & I am stuck in my body & mind alone for a life time,
    I feel too torn up to cope, yet too up to cope to be torn down.
    What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
    I don't want to be stronger!!!
     
  10. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    All hope devoured by the reality
    That historical abuse unearthed
    infects your children with an incurable
    knowing.
    A knowing that takes their mother, father,
    extended family & encapsulates them in
    a horror story that is their life too.
    I have an overwhelming guilt that I
    ever carried a child into the next generation
    of this family.
    Then there is the catatonic states they observed
    recalled now by them as secondary trauma.
    Then there's my insatiable need for me to make their lives better & when I can't, I can't tolerate my self.
    I can't make any of this better & in my own lame attempt at recovery. I've just exposed them to how injured I am,
    I can't take away the past injuries, but I can't find any other solution other than to takeaway their future observations of me & my hurt.
    I can release them of that, it's 2:58am 25th August 2018 & I'm never going to get a better chance at containing the misery they have gone through with me. But I'm such a coward & they deserve to be set free.
     
  11. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Couldn't stop it hurting me
    Can't stop it hurting my family
    I've failed to protect my parents
    I couldn't hold on anymore
    Raped a not something i could store anymore.
    Now it's my whole life that lies crashed on the floor
     
  12. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Imprisoned in your mind
    Perimeter fenced in a body
    Whose nervous system is triggered
    by breathing, swallowing, body temperature
    Chronic mental torture
    How to programme sheer fear into a human
    body & mind that you have not touched for 30
    years? Rape
    It's not a bad experience
    It's life shattering
    Brain rewiriing
    Life threatening
    Chaotic simulated attack
    on a body & mind that is designed
    to just survive the ordeal
    My nervous system didn't think
    Future it thought
    "No possible way to escape death imminent"
    So surviving meant I would feel impending
    death as part of my memory of the event.
    Only I havn't known that for near on 3 decades
    So my nervous system triggered this impending
    doom without me understanding
    But rather self condemning for not being able
    to snap out of it.
    Oh I snapped ok I broke
    Anyone who is broken into does
     
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  13. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    When I was deprived comfort when petrified
    My petrified became horrified
    I was stuck physically, mentally, totally, utterly & permanently in both the petrified & the horrified state of being pinned down from the inside out. No, stop get out of me ignored, no one existed in that moment but them. I was dead as you can be with a heart beat & everyone else in the world may as well have been wiped out in its entirety. I was not released, I was from that moment worthless, overpowered & choking to a death that would allow my body to frequent this earth while my will, was exterminated & my mental stability disturbed irreversibly.
    I've hated the body that took to its feet after & did my utmost to make sure it didn't walk back into my disturbing home life. But I was not successful & instead the shock shouted to those who knew me before & how unrecognisable I was after. I have remained unrecognisable to myself since.
    i can't workout if I'm recognising myself now or unrecognising myself more & more?
    I do know this limbo state is like a long lost family reunion that is promised, but never materialises.
    It feels cruel, misleading & like a ladder lowered to offer a way out only to have it disintegrate.
    There's only so many pleas I can make & the silence encourages my forsaking me.
     
    #773 Survivor, Sep 1, 2018
    Last edited: Sep 1, 2018
  14. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Generational effects
    Unborn lives affects
    No iscolated event
    Rather a catalyst
    that life bent.
    No agreement
    No consent
    Takers take
    What takers want
    Leaving me with
    life feeling like
    an unpotted plant
    Stunted growth
    Bare & exposed
    My life source
    now unsupposed
    Place in full sun
    No shoved in the shade
    These words attempt
    to release the distained
    This feels like a curse
    That can't be reversed
    How can you undo breaking
    What's broken has no cast
    An a mind disturbed is
    not undisturbed
    Anger doesn't solve a thing
    frustration is wearing thin
    A psychological itch
    I can't ever scratch
    Won't someone pass me
    gasoline & a match
     
  15. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    When reality hits like fork lightening strikes
    A tsunami washes over my life & no sign of brakes.
    To others I'm a systemic anomaly.
    Whispers, sayings, half cut prayings
    I'm not reacting, I'm rather focused on staying
    I embarked on a cliff edge journey
    When my life materially couldn't be any more secure
    Only my heart skipped beats & my mind felt fried
    So I had to risk my own leather & Hyde
    So I'm as bare as can be
    Nothing or no one covering me
    I've placed my life on line & I'm so close to calling time.
    But I'd rather die now than bow out
    It's taken 30 years to stand as tall as I am!
    Don't think this is minor, it's a major fall
    my life's backed up on a cliff edge
    If hell freezes over I could use a sledge
    But my life is more likely to end up face down
    pre frontal lobe destroyed
     
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  16. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Nothing but thieves at my back
    Now can't you see why I don't allow
    not even the tiniest of cracks.
    I'll stay behind closed doors
    I'll avoid the truth wars
    I'll hide behind my shades
    I'll flinch at the anticipation of raids
    I'm better of not exposed
    My toxic shame is so out of date
    It clutches on to my heart rate
    Ristricting my every move
    If I stood up now I would reach
    the roof.
    If aching with this burden of proof
     
  17. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Love & light
    X
     
    #777 Survivor, Sep 9, 2018
    Last edited: Sep 9, 2018
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  18. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    On this desert island
    I wait for a passing ship to dock
    No flares to strike
    No burning bright
    A sabotaged SOS
    As a part of me likes it here best.
    Perhaps I've been here too long
    Excuse me as all time has gone.
    I'm safer here deserted
    No one to steal my mind
    Self compassion a sunken treasure
    I've never known sits location or have a key
    Instead I learnt to hate me
    To blame & shame me
    To be lucky I was alive
    To take steps that make others strive
    Comfort comes from no ship at all
    landing on this toxic shore.
    Then dread washes over my nervous smile
    My abandoned self is abandoned by me too
    Detach, retreat don't come any closer
    You might just get branded with this hot poker
    And as it from frozen defrosts I remind myself
    all hope is lost.
    I'm waiting for the to crew to tell me I'm released
    from this horror show.
     
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  19. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Shall we avoid the bend?
    Shall we call this the end?
    You can't & it's not
    Perhaps we can run away?
    Perhaps we could die if we stay?
    You can't & we might
    Can we have a break?
    Can we have time off?
    You can't & no
    What if we can't cope?
    What if we are tied by metaphorical rope?
    You can't & we are
     
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  20. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Trait anxiety, isn't a state anxiety
    It's not going away because my
    environment will not return to safe
    It's not a panic state, it's a daily grind
    an exhausting roller coaster of
    hypervigillance & sweating profusely
    while keeping calm & carrying on.
    The worst slogan in English history
    Designed to promote a collective
    nation to get through the war.
    Not a lone victim or a war that never
    ended & can never be won.
    I died today, at least I had a nervous
    system flashback of dying.
    It's not a visual reminder like a trauma
    advert. No this is the full version, simulated
    to micro seconds of hell that last for minutes.
    Trauma dying is a term that actually improves
    my symptoms. Because I am now working on
    new affirmations about these cellular flash backs
    of feelings & ultimately the state of dying.
    The challenge being that when you are experiencing this on a beach in a different time & space & there is no one on earth you can tell. Neither through choice or physically frozen. There is nothing I can hold in mind that tells me this is not now.

    But this is an advancement!

    Night terror suffocation & having to hold on to my tongue. Have been experience for 10 years.

    30 years and I am only just strong enough to make sense of the most unstable & volatile disturbances my nervous system has experienced.
     

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