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Rape & Complex PTSD

Discussion in 'Mental & Emotional' started by Survivor, Nov 15, 2004.

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  1. Energylz

    Energylz Moody-rator ©
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    That's an interesting question.
    You are you, that's a fact.
    However you have a perception of mind that it you are attached to, and that perception constantly tries to look for you.... it's a bit like pointing at your own face and saying "this is me" but then you can't actually see yourself. The observer cannot observer the observer because it already is the observer.
    As such the mind may perceive something 'other' as though it is the "I"/"you" and associate and become attached to that thing, and then feel a sense of disassociation; simply because of it's knowledge that if it can observe "you" elsewhere then it must somehow be separate from the Self.
    These perceptions can manifest in various ways, including different personalities, or just different moods or even physical sensations etc.
    So, yes you can have a 'sense' disassociation, though the reality is that you are not really disassociated from yourself. By working to let go of the 'other' we can come back to being our true Self.
     
  2. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Bless you Energlz!

    I do on reflection wonder if actually on finding myself
    I have lost myself
    At the point a kinetic sculpture turns in on its self
    neither exist.

    No matter how many times you look in the mirror to catch your eyes shifting they never move.

    Like a back to the future photograph that fades
    when the past is changed
    So my mind & body are, when the past is realised & a self in me fades.

    I don't understand fully - but this could be the hardest
    feeling that has been stuck with me like a stuck record.
     
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  3. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    The map of the world when seen as one
    can fill an A4 piece of paper.
    The map of my life would also fill an A4 piece of paper.
    But both need extensive explanation.
    195 countries
    Can't be given justice on an A4 front cover.
    This feels so like my mind.
    it feels like my indexing is
    equal to an encyclopaedia that needs to be written.
    That the flight between memories, is transatlantic &
    others a domestic.
    Now writing a book feels like a necessity.
    Only some chapters are missing & some I don't ever want published.
    The latter would consider the effects of trauma language on the reader.
     
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  4. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Amid the clusters in my mind
    Are utterances that chill my spine
    They stir my scrupulous regard for truth
    Then an iron bounces off my brain
    "I must from the truth refrain"
    Or
    "I may provoke the same again"
    He who sets his eyes on drift wood
    cannot see the shore.
    and though I can I can't once more.
    As a beacon reminds me where I am.
    Utterances chill my spine.
    It's ok I'm fine, I'm fine.
    I will forget, I will not speak
    muteness my shield that traps
    words in a trauma net,
    Be still my heart, beat fast, beat fast
    Running around & staying perfectly still
    Chaos is an amnesia pill
    Still, still, still
     
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  5. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Out on a ledge
    How much of my life must I pledge
    I can't look down
    I can't turn around
    There is so much pointed at my head
    The worst is still inside
    The difficulty is no where to hide.
    I can't step down & take a break.
    My life would not forsake.
    I'll stand here as long as I must.
    My heart, faith & trust, have after all
    turned to rust.
    Blessed be the truth in me
    for it is all I have that can't be taken.
    While I stand out on this ledge
    the very images that placed me here
    Cause me to experience great fear
    I shake so much at this height
    I dream reoccurring now I have
    tumbled, free fall, no ground in sight
    In fact from this world I take flight
    To a place where I can't be touched
    Where my consciousness is not
    at risk of being stolen.
    Where my will can be my shield
    Only then it is a falsehood
    & I fallen through a trap door.
    I am forced back into hell once
    more.
    Though on this ledge
    where I can't look down &
    I can't turn around
    There are shadows of men
    who still crawl over me &
    I have for many nights jumped out
    of my skin.
    Then I am forced back in
    only I'm already occupied
    with snake skin.
    Excuse my wretch
    I'm over stretched.
    My only hope is tonight's
    the night I fledge
     
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  6. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Could it be I'm in the most tangled of webs that could be? Yes
    Can I get out? No
    Can I explain ever strand? No
    Why not? Because it is spun by many & maintained by some that I could never reveal.
    So are you staying in this web? No, I can't
    Why not? It's against my values & principles
    But you can't get out, or can you? I don't know

    Imagine knitting to keep your self alive, all your life
    & you knitted so many problem pockets that they could circle your life 100 times & you are the wool.
    Now imagine the tangled web is entwinded with your knitting. Now imagine to be freed meant you had to unpick every stitch!

    But tonight I have understood something so tragic
    It has begun unpicking & I can't do anything to stop it.

    No wonder disappearing has always been so appealing.
     
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  7. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    And so a grand escape is set
    On another shore my head can rest
    I bow before the majestic sea
    As I ask it to carry me
    Drift my bones are aching
    shift my eyes are glaced
    Wind ground me to each direction
    Sea give me a glimpse of my reflection
    I'm offering me to thee
    For I am not good on shore right now
    Yet I'm not good drifting out to sea
    I trust in your vast ocean
    You willa place for me
     
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  8. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    When your go to retreat
    no longer meets & greets
    When you realise there's on
    such thing as a break from this
    And while your lost in familiar
    The fear that nothing feels this
    way any more.
     
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  9. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Imagine you don't exist today like you did yesterday & now imagine you know this is a fact like many others can not feel as their days are knitted, anchored, stacked on to each other & all is familiar.
    Now imagine the unknitted, the anchor less, the unstaxked existance of,deconstructed life.
    Now imagine this deconstructed life can claim your job, your house, you family & your sanity?
    Worried, scared, confused?
     
  10. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Can the sun, stars, moon contain?
    The strangeness of this existance
    I travel & the trigger is profound
    I'm never going to make it back to
    land.
    I die out here & my mind is frenzied
    Why can't I control my consciousness?
    I'm scared to sleep
    My life I am trying to keep
    I'm so petrified I'm sick
    This time is so reactive
    It is as vivid as marriage & birth
    Only now I doubt all those around me
    I'm sedate, sedate, sedate
     
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  11. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    If your not allowed to show fear
    When, where & how will I do that now?
    If your not allowed to tell
    When, where & how will I do that now?
    If your not allowed to watch
    When, where & how will I explain what I hear?
    If your not allowed to cry
    When, where & how will I do that now?
    If your not allowed to be strong
    When, where & how will I do that now?
    If your not allowed to disagree
    When, where & how will I do that now?
     
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  12. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Valleys deeply scored
    Eroded seashores
    Maimed psyche
    It's not fixable
    You can't restore what has been ground down
    And bridges don't withhold the weight of fear
    I am not getting out of here
    Withdraw the support I'm a draw on resources
    This body & mind has been trampled on by wild beasts, not horses.
    The eyes that look back at me in my reflection
    Hold details of the fatal distractions
    Could it be death has become now a fatal attraction?
    It feels like I'm fighting a loosing battle
    I've counted my blessings
    but they soon won't be able to count on me.
    As I imagine soon I will collapse into that suspended dead. The one that's assumed under frenzied attack
    it's not giving up on inviting me back.
     
  13. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Reparative tonsillitis
    Gnawing at my joints
    Some conditions don't relinquish their grip
    In the mind I am gangrenous
    With no surgical procedure to cut out
    In my mind I am nauseous & yet yet I can't throw anything out.
    In my mind I have trauma circulation like a thrombosis of the leg
    In my mind I am tuned to olfactory distress
    as scents begin to snap with a picture I never willingly matched
    Of late my journey out has been down graded to get through
    To be flippen honest I'm devastated by this news.
    In my mind there are monsters that live under my bed & just like childhood there is no adult to reassure my weary head.
    The hardest part of all is frankly written
    I'm still creeped by their crawl & it still freaks me out.
    In my there is a panic button that operates an ejector seat
    It used to prompt alternative exits, but the memory storage overload rendered them obsolete.
    In my mind are horror scenes that are looped on repeat & I have never known how to avoid the seat.
    Pinned down then pinned down now to recollect
    Return to sender would be a welcomed release.
    But I've been over holding my breath
    Now I'm frightened to sigh or state how my mind is running out of space.
    In my mind eternal nothingness seems like an opportunity to switch off the Cinefilms & VHS.
    In my mind there are black holes that scream for me to step inside & my brain is conditioned to refuse
    under article "sod that".
     
  14. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Who resides in here with me?
    It's getting cramped & I cannot see
    I feel exposed, I'm opening up
    silly me, naughty me, bad me, I'm going to pay
    for this.
    I hope this latest threat is not true
    A Trojan horse?
    How could I measure
    It's making too much sense
    & makes so many incidents calculated
     
    #754 Survivor, Aug 1, 2018
    Last edited: Aug 1, 2018
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  15. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    When your on the outside looking in
    When your ability to conceal is wearing thin
    When your ready to scream & shout
    When your not allowed to let it out
    When your reflection silently speaks to you
    When your self talk is focused on eviction
    When your suspended in time
    When your memories are now entitled mine
    When you feeling stronger & empowered
    When your heart kicks out & resounds
    When your ears don't want to hear
    When your eyes don't want to see
    When your mind is stuck on repeat
    Strength & empowerment is brutally interrupted
    as your body gives up its dead.
    Please don't leave me here again it's a place
    I frequent again & again.
    Working through so much & then
    I'm desperate to unravel, this controlled release
    is theoretical
    Meamwhile my mind & body feels histerical.
    This level of emergency is not eligible to out of hours
    support. I'm trauma time travelling & to report this crisis would make me look & sound insane.
    Yet to my nervous system it's happening again!
    If the military could tap into this terror, it would be the cruelest form of torture. Attacks that deform my mind & remain lost in time. Are proving impossible to resolve & yet therapeutically I've mapped out tons, I feel my work has only just begun.
    Bring it on, anytime, I've had it interfering with me for decades now. I've been prepared to be blown to particles, so to seive this out.
    I don't think even a cremation could do it better than my mind has.
    So I hold all the truth pieces & I want to sprinkle the, over the whole wide world. So everyone can see there is nothing left of me.
     
  16. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Dear HP,

    It's around about now that I post
    A time that I fear the most
    A time when I must surrender to my unconscious
    But it's not easy to do
    So this is why I turn to you
    I leave a trail from one time to another
    To hold on to how many times I have had the courage to sleep
    And here I leave trains of thoughts, images & feelings, so they don't follow me into my unconscious state.
    This doesn't always work & some notes here draw more to filter out
    Tonight I just needed to park the darkness here
    It's not night or a darker shade
    It's the darkness that can't be described, but rather experienced.
    It's all over my skin
    It's in my eyesight
    It's in parts of my body that don't feel right
    It's residue from someone destroying you
    It's a plague of filth I can never wash off
    The darkness sometimes consumes me
    & no one on this planet can excise me
    Yet every night I beg it to leave me alone
    Night terrors make my nervous system sick
    I'm sorry if my posts annoy
    To me this is life essential
    Besides if I were to become catatonic
    again & this time I have no humans to tell
    I will have to make it here, so my existance
    is only missing because of overwhelming fear.
    HP thank you so much

    Me
    X
     
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  17. Energylz

    Energylz Moody-rator ©
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    Not at all annoying. HP is a place to share and support.
    *hugs*
     
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  18. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Truth is tragic it cuts like a knife
    I wish it didn't have to cut through a relationship tonight
    But I can't suffer being the fool
    The one who gives the relationship all its fuel
    Honesty is taking so much from me
    I never knew I would loose so much standing in it.
    I think my heart is broken and I've only just begun
     
  19. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    The sludge
    The swamp
    The car for romp
    It deforms you
    Contorts you
    Suffocates & constricts you
    You don't ever get away
    When in my head they stay
    Grating on my nerves
    Sneering at my hurts
    Ridiculing my self destruction
    Some darkness is so dark it
    spins you in the obis
    Not orbit, that would indicate some
    pattern, something to pivot around
    When this sludge, swamp & slime
    gets hold of you, you know your
    doomed
     
  20. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    With knowledge comes power
    Power to not put up with
    tolerate or endure those
    who oppress you
    If I empower myself
    I disempower others
    That is not something I
    can do
    I'd prefer to be a slave than a master
    Ain't nothing big about a master
    & being small is fine by me
     
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