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Rape & Complex PTSD

Discussion in 'Mental & Emotional' started by Survivor, Nov 15, 2004.

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  1. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    An unexpected memory jog
    has made my mind swirl
    My sense of smell has
    become acute
    My memories don't follow suit
    They whirl around
    they splutter & stall.
    I am grateful I can't
    fully reboot.
    I see myself
    I'm crumbling before my eyes
    I'm taken a back by what I realise
    I'm stuck in a painful reality.
    It's me in all these scenes
    who inside is one echoing scream
    I feel winded & hard to breath
    So many physicality's
    are forcing me to my knees
    Please let me get up
    Please let me walk out of here in one piece
    I didn't, I couldn't, I was blasted from inside
    out.
    How can I still feel that feeling that
    can't be real.
    I try to scramble my minds eye
    But it is focusing low & high
    It's not something I can let stay still
    I never did & I never will.
    Yet it freezes me every time
    I'm out of sync, I'm out of line
    I'm never going to be fine
     
  2. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Memory takes me by the throat
    It pulls me in with a fabric swing
    I can feel vividly
    I don't want to recall
    I feel encased in shame
    that I have been prevented
    from being myself
    Because being a self
    got me raped
    Just being a female
    just being alive
    and yet no one listened
    and yet no one stopped
    when you've been overpowered
    your power is over
    I am over
    before I really began
    Now I am old & past my prime
    All because abuse when I was
    young, wasn't a crime.
    It was a daily grind.
    I'm not free & never believe
    I will be.
    These scars don't heal over
    they are septic to the core.
    I can't find a point to get too
    that is a norm before.
    And yet I have seen images this
    weekend, that have shocked
    a me to accept I was bold
    I was brave & I took back some
    control.
    But then I went on to hide myself
    in a shell twice my size.
    I've revealed me before
    Only to hide me away again.
    And today I want to break free
    of the me who hides the scars.
    Though sometimes this breaking
    free means leaving my shell
    completely.
    Then in all my exercising of
    choice I see a scope pointed
    at my throat.
    Dare I be
    leads me to never being
    ever again.
     
  3. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    I'm angry
    an emotion that frightens me
    I am annoyed
    An emotion I am giving myself
    permission to experience.
    My children born to me
    are suffering so terribly
    they are victims of their
    mothers perpetrators
    they are desperate to
    be released too
    They recall my mental states
    the ones that needed no words
    But rather explained
    I was not able to comfort
    them, at times I was engulfed
    in a space.
    I'm sorry I didn't have another
    means to have managed it
    Before you were born.
    I'm sorry you've had to know
    I'm sorry I was so over protective
    I'm sorry I have been such a burden
    I'm sorry I can't erase my memories
    I'm sorry this web has caught you up
    in it.
    I can't cut you free unless I sacrifice
    me.
    I'm sorry I spoke out.
    I'm sorry for my scars scaring you!
     
  4. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    So it would seem
    This chapter needs to be wrapped up
    Put away & a normal life resumed.
    Tightly folded now
    pressed & straightened out.
    Now let's move on.
    Right & left & right & left.
    Now smile & wave.

    My life is not a story
    Yet this current chapter is long & drawn out.
    But my life has had many pages torn out.
    Parts of me scrumpled into waste shaped.
    Thrown away like yesterday's news.

    I'm choking on reality
    Bent by its ever present strain
    I'm not in denial & never will be again
    You don't open up these wounds
    & expect to survive.
    Yet I am still shocked by how deep
    & wide they are.
    How stitches cannot be sown.
    Infection now has taken hold
    onlookers keep their distance
    I won't come back from this
    untimely blow.
    I feel like a deadly virus
    that could contaminate
    anyone I know.
    I've opened up a festering
    pit & now I have become it.
    I'm rotting flesh
    I'm haunted eyes
    I'm contaminated
    everything around me
    is caving in on me.
    Why would anyone
    speak out about this?

    I'm a toxic biohazard
    & I'm about to be
    toxic waste.
     
  5. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    My life curtailed
    My soul impaled
    Hide away I say
    Hide away
    Shades protect my eyes
    Never looked into then
    Never to be looked into now
    Who do I see & who sees me?
    For decades I have locked
    my pain away
    Only locking myself away too
    has taken its toll.
    Never getting into deep conversations
    Superficial, "Hi", "Hello"
    Tainted, torn, from no one listening
    to "No". I don't take the chance.
    Hide away, hide away
     
  6. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    When those who make the rules
    break the rules.
    You need time to process.
    When you entrust your whole
    self & nothing but yourself
    into a system designed to
    protect you.
    You need to feel safe & secure.

    When you process how unsafe
    & unsecure you are.
    And how it stems from those
    who make the rules, but also
    break the rules.
    You feel disregarded.
    Your truth feels discredited
    and you are made to feel
    YOU have to do more
    or you will never be allowed
    to proceed.
    I take that as s threat.
    A threat to justice
    A threat to the truth
    A threat to my life & livelyhood.
    Because when I found the
    courage to stand up,
    I risked my mental stability,
    my employability, my marital
    stability, my mortality.
    And today I feel knocked out
    by systemic pendulums.
    As they scrutinise each other
    & internally new rules shudder.
    My life facts are the same & the
    crimes against me still remain.
    I'm more than a number,
    I'm more than a file.
    I'm somebodies mother
    I'm somebodies nan
    I'm somebodies sister
    I'm somebodies wife,
    I'm somebodies aunt
    I'm somebodies daughter
    I'm somebodies hope
    that I can.

    Today's revelation
    has knocked all hope,
    trust & faith.
    That someone will
    stand with me
    against rape.

    I never thought I could
    hurt any more.
    I never thought I could
    feel so deflated.
    I feel terribly let down.
    Frankly I can't see
    how I can survive.
    When the rescuers
    have taken all
    definates & made
    them into maybe's.

    Who is there to trust?
    Who is there by my side?

    No one
    No one
    No one
     
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  7. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    I have to be in a better place
    Despite the roller coaster
    I remember how over the years
    my nervous system has remembered
    trauma & how traumatic the recall is.
    Imagine being in the present day
    & then suddenly you are airlifted,
    then dumped into the worst days
    of your life.
    Only you have 600% more responsibilities
    than then. And you have to get up go
    to work, do the weekly shop, attend meetings.
    Maintain a now life, while recalling the then life
    & then realising they have become enmeshed.
    Then your now life is threatened & grounding
    to today is not safe.
    But not grounding to it is even more unsafe.
    And then you want to run away &
    then you have to stay as a loved one is hospitalised.
    And then your trapped in a hollow existence.
    Where you need certainty in those around you
    and they show you more reasons to doubt.
    Then you sense that the truth you are fighting for
    is burning down walls of denial in others.
    Your whole life in one is not favoured by anyone.
    In fact the more determined I am the more anxious
    those around me get.
    Who wouldn't want me to be strong right now?
    Looks like I'm starting to find out.
    I have no fear of the truth, it is rather my only comfort. the only thing I can trust.
    And I am starting to realise that the more
    grounded I am, the more others seem to be
    floating away.
    My fear has had me feel I can't live without them.
    My hunch is I have been restricting my life
    with them.
    I'm closer to me than anyone has ever been.
    And as that closeness is rare glimpses.
    No wonder I have felt left out on a limb.
    The truth has forced me there.
    And now it is the truth that calls me ashore.
    Teo feet firmly on the ground.
    Enter the tiger!
    Your going to hear me roar!
     
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  8. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Trauma time traveller

    I walked down a lane today
    it took me far away
    I walked around a corner
    and I was struck by
    bricks & stones that
    couldn't tell me the date
    They where there then
    & they are ther now.
    Only difference is the
    one way system.
    Then as I expect to see
    a car park, with pot holes
    and broken glass.
    I am dumb founded
    That is now a park
    covered with grass.
    I walked a line in time
    today & I walked a line
    out.
    Only now each foot
    has a hold on one or
    the other.
    The void, the crack
    the earthquake track
    has gone.
    I'm so in tune with
    then & now.
    I march to the beat
    of my drum.
    A beat that has me
    standing firm &
    has no sound for run.
    This time traveller
    has a a button
    entitled
    "where it all begun"
    But it's out of order
    or is this the pun?
     
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  9. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    As I reflect on my therapeutic support
    since September.
    I am astounded as to the gift it is
    It feels like I have been given a life key
    I feel grounded on a platform of pure
    radical acceptance of the reality
    that engulfed me, hid me, shocked
    me, broke me, bruised me, trapped me,
    tortured me, scared me, frightened me,
    but was never me.
    I am not what happened to me!
     
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  10. Energylz

    Energylz Moody-rator ©
    Staff Member

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    Very well put. :)
     
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  11. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    There's a faint voice that still cries out
    She wants our mind & body to sort this out.
    Broken & split apart.
    No wonder we have a racing heart.
    I'm frightened, she's petrified.
    This state of limbo is challenging
    whether we will,ever be reunited.
    My goal one is to at least get them
    started.
     
  12. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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  13. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    How profound
    As today I introduced my body to my mind
    They bowed at each other,as a mark of respect
    Then they stepped together "lest us never forget"
     
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  14. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    In honour of a brave soul
    In recognition of lonely battle
    With respect of ones mental stamina
    With admiration for touching the voids
    I salute you, my most loyal allies
    Everyone of you set off a rescue in me.
    My nervous system responses
    Thank you, you saved me!
    X
     
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  15. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Catharsis

    The glimmer caught my eye
    The shift stirred my soul
    What presence would confirm
    beyond belief?
    For without the cut
    there is no depth
    For without the catalyst
    there is no explosion
    It is I who sees behind the
    waterfall of life
    It is me who hears the
    chorus of strife
    It is in the most destructive
    blows
    That healing comes to let you
    know
    You are but a beginning not an
    end
    Your life is not yours to spend
    You own nothing but now
    and in a moment your now
    can too be taken from you
    When your nervous system
    took your now
    It was because its content
    was beyond design
    It he'd you hostage
    for sometime
    remind me what is the
    title of this rhyme
    Catharsis
    What a treasure occurance
    I have found a pole I never
    could have imagined
    It caught my eye
    & awakened my soul
    I wish my soul it would keep
     
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  16. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Placing trust in others
    Tonight leaves me feel smothered
    The rise of truth shared
    breaks me with a remembered
    stare.
    They are coming for me
    Their aim that I disappear.
    I'm alone I'm lost no one
    knows I'm here.
    I can't move
    My tongue chokes
    I'm cold
    It's damp
    I'm freaking out
    please don't make me
    shout
    I can't muster another sound
    shouldn't I just now rest underground
    I've broke the rules of silence
    & concealment
    My body a scene that no
    one should ever see
    why do I feel like dowsing
    myself in petrol
    & striking that match
    The one that may alolow
    my life somewhere else
    to hatch
    What if I would wake & walk
    out on safer ground.
    I'd have to sacrifice ever
    seeing the ones I love
    Grounding from this
    feels like trying to
    extract the egg from a cake
    someone cooked without
    your permission
    It's impossible to release
    my ingredients from
    What they made me
    into
     
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  17. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    There once was a war
    It's soldiers fell
    As time goes on the
    echoing of these fallen
    ones, gets faint.
    They will eventually
    go fal from our ears
    as they did from our
    lives.
    Attrosities don't end
    there are some wounds
    that never heal
    & yet those who
    are known to have fallen
    are resonating in time
    & space. Where as those
    who have had their scars
    hidden & forced into silence.
    They remain muted.
    Let us not forget for
    every named victim there
    are un marked graves.
     
  18. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    What word describes adusing the abused?
    What word explains how the care for the abused was withheld?
    What word describes how the withheld care was forced upon the carer?
    What if that carer is your mum?
    What if she is not allowed to be your mum?
    What if the abused, abused was abused by not being allowed comfort from her mum?
    What if the abused, abused, abused also had to see her mum abused?
    What if the abused, abused, abused, abused is not allowed to tell anyone about any abuse?

    I don't know, that is why I came here & I still can't tell.
    But I have told how it has haunted me, festered & rotted away in me.
    What some of it is called & today as a 45 year old I have also had the courage to post this post which exposes facts that I can't deny & pains I'm still not allowed to cry.
     
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  19. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    I'm not paranoid
    I prayed the worst didn't happen but it did
    I don't think bad things happen
    They do
    I don't read into things
    I am hypervigilant
    I call it survival
    I have to consider all eventualities
    I mean I have to!
    I don't choose to turn of the
    hyperviglance
    When the phone rings
    When the door knocks
    It's not a ball kicked into the garden
    Whose dead?
    Whose dying?
    What's happened?
    I'll be there as soon as possible
    Only not all of me goes
    Some of me stays back
    in case the next incident
    tries to take all I have let.
    I'm wired this way
    by all the violence, power, control,
    destruction, death, rape, murder
    taken to young, left too long
    Living in this gear
    means there isn't one to
    drop into.
    And yet still I slow life down for
    others.
    To me it is a terrible idea.
    To slow or stop, means you can't
    run. Who would give up such momentum?
    To avoid, hide & fade.
    I'd prefer being a shadow
     
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  20. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Ask, what, where, how, who

    Can you disassociate from you?
    I mean seriously can you be
    Seperated?
    I mean I feel like I'm missing
    out of my life?
    I don't understand this experience?
    I'm not so much anxious rather
    absolute.
    Ok now I write this down I'm anxious
    I feel like I need to report a missing
    person
    Last seen?
    What is she wearing?
    How was she the last time you spoke?
    Is there anyone who wants to hurt her?
    Should we be concerned for her welfare?
    What frame of mind is she in?
    Has she had an argument with anyone?
    Could she have run away from something?
    When did she go?
    How long has she been gone?
    Is she at risk to herself or others?
    Ok Panic I DON'T KNOW
     

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