Healthypages

Rape & Complex PTSD

Discussion in 'Mental & Emotional' started by Survivor, Nov 15, 2004.

Tags:
  1. Survivor

    Survivor Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2004
    Messages:
    930
    Likes Received:
    198
    An unexpected memory jog
    has made my mind swirl
    My sense of smell has
    become acute
    My memories don't follow suit
    They whirl around
    they splutter & stall.
    I am grateful I can't
    fully reboot.
    I see myself
    I'm crumbling before my eyes
    I'm taken a back by what I realise
    I'm stuck in a painful reality.
    It's me in all these scenes
    who inside is one echoing scream
    I feel winded & hard to breath
    So many physicality's
    are forcing me to my knees
    Please let me get up
    Please let me walk out of here in one piece
    I didn't, I couldn't, I was blasted from inside
    out.
    How can I still feel that feeling that
    can't be real.
    I try to scramble my minds eye
    But it is focusing low & high
    It's not something I can let stay still
    I never did & I never will.
    Yet it freezes me every time
    I'm out of sync, I'm out of line
    I'm never going to be fine
     
  2. Survivor

    Survivor Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2004
    Messages:
    930
    Likes Received:
    198
    Memory takes me by the throat
    It pulls me in with a fabric swing
    I can feel vividly
    I don't want to recall
    I feel encased in shame
    that I have been prevented
    from being myself
    Because being a self
    got me raped
    Just being a female
    just being alive
    and yet no one listened
    and yet no one stopped
    when you've been overpowered
    your power is over
    I am over
    before I really began
    Now I am old & past my prime
    All because abuse when I was
    young, wasn't a crime.
    It was a daily grind.
    I'm not free & never believe
    I will be.
    These scars don't heal over
    they are septic to the core.
    I can't find a point to get too
    that is a norm before.
    And yet I have seen images this
    weekend, that have shocked
    a me to accept I was bold
    I was brave & I took back some
    control.
    But then I went on to hide myself
    in a shell twice my size.
    I've revealed me before
    Only to hide me away again.
    And today I want to break free
    of the me who hides the scars.
    Though sometimes this breaking
    free means leaving my shell
    completely.
    Then in all my exercising of
    choice I see a scope pointed
    at my throat.
    Dare I be
    leads me to never being
    ever again.
     
  3. Survivor

    Survivor Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2004
    Messages:
    930
    Likes Received:
    198
    I'm angry
    an emotion that frightens me
    I am annoyed
    An emotion I am giving myself
    permission to experience.
    My children born to me
    are suffering so terribly
    they are victims of their
    mothers perpetrators
    they are desperate to
    be released too
    They recall my mental states
    the ones that needed no words
    But rather explained
    I was not able to comfort
    them, at times I was engulfed
    in a space.
    I'm sorry I didn't have another
    means to have managed it
    Before you were born.
    I'm sorry you've had to know
    I'm sorry I was so over protective
    I'm sorry I have been such a burden
    I'm sorry I can't erase my memories
    I'm sorry this web has caught you up
    in it.
    I can't cut you free unless I sacrifice
    me.
    I'm sorry I spoke out.
    I'm sorry for my scars scaring you!
     
  4. Survivor

    Survivor Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2004
    Messages:
    930
    Likes Received:
    198
    So it would seem
    This chapter needs to be wrapped up
    Put away & a normal life resumed.
    Tightly folded now
    pressed & straightened out.
    Now let's move on.
    Right & left & right & left.
    Now smile & wave.

    My life is not a story
    Yet this current chapter is long & drawn out.
    But my life has had many pages torn out.
    Parts of me scrumpled into waste shaped.
    Thrown away like yesterday's news.

    I'm choking on reality
    Bent by its ever present strain
    I'm not in denial & never will be again
    You don't open up these wounds
    & expect to survive.
    Yet I am still shocked by how deep
    & wide they are.
    How stitches cannot be sown.
    Infection now has taken hold
    onlookers keep their distance
    I won't come back from this
    untimely blow.
    I feel like a deadly virus
    that could contaminate
    anyone I know.
    I've opened up a festering
    pit & now I have become it.
    I'm rotting flesh
    I'm haunted eyes
    I'm contaminated
    everything around me
    is caving in on me.
    Why would anyone
    speak out about this?

    I'm a toxic biohazard
    & I'm about to be
    toxic waste.
     
  5. Survivor

    Survivor Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2004
    Messages:
    930
    Likes Received:
    198
    My life curtailed
    My soul impaled
    Hide away I say
    Hide away
    Shades protect my eyes
    Never looked into then
    Never to be looked into now
    Who do I see & who sees me?
    For decades I have locked
    my pain away
    Only locking myself away too
    has taken its toll.
    Never getting into deep conversations
    Superficial, "Hi", "Hello"
    Tainted, torn, from no one listening
    to "No". I don't take the chance.
    Hide away, hide away
     
  6. Survivor

    Survivor Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2004
    Messages:
    930
    Likes Received:
    198
    When those who make the rules
    break the rules.
    You need time to process.
    When you entrust your whole
    self & nothing but yourself
    into a system designed to
    protect you.
    You need to feel safe & secure.

    When you process how unsafe
    & unsecure you are.
    And how it stems from those
    who make the rules, but also
    break the rules.
    You feel disregarded.
    Your truth feels discredited
    and you are made to feel
    YOU have to do more
    or you will never be allowed
    to proceed.
    I take that as s threat.
    A threat to justice
    A threat to the truth
    A threat to my life & livelyhood.
    Because when I found the
    courage to stand up,
    I risked my mental stability,
    my employability, my marital
    stability, my mortality.
    And today I feel knocked out
    by systemic pendulums.
    As they scrutinise each other
    & internally new rules shudder.
    My life facts are the same & the
    crimes against me still remain.
    I'm more than a number,
    I'm more than a file.
    I'm somebodies mother
    I'm somebodies nan
    I'm somebodies sister
    I'm somebodies wife,
    I'm somebodies aunt
    I'm somebodies daughter
    I'm somebodies hope
    that I can.

    Today's revelation
    has knocked all hope,
    trust & faith.
    That someone will
    stand with me
    against rape.

    I never thought I could
    hurt any more.
    I never thought I could
    feel so deflated.
    I feel terribly let down.
    Frankly I can't see
    how I can survive.
    When the rescuers
    have taken all
    definates & made
    them into maybe's.

    Who is there to trust?
    Who is there by my side?

    No one
    No one
    No one
     
    Energylz likes this.
  7. Survivor

    Survivor Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2004
    Messages:
    930
    Likes Received:
    198
    I have to be in a better place
    Despite the roller coaster
    I remember how over the years
    my nervous system has remembered
    trauma & how traumatic the recall is.
    Imagine being in the present day
    & then suddenly you are airlifted,
    then dumped into the worst days
    of your life.
    Only you have 600% more responsibilities
    than then. And you have to get up go
    to work, do the weekly shop, attend meetings.
    Maintain a now life, while recalling the then life
    & then realising they have become enmeshed.
    Then your now life is threatened & grounding
    to today is not safe.
    But not grounding to it is even more unsafe.
    And then you want to run away &
    then you have to stay as a loved one is hospitalised.
    And then your trapped in a hollow existence.
    Where you need certainty in those around you
    and they show you more reasons to doubt.
    Then you sense that the truth you are fighting for
    is burning down walls of denial in others.
    Your whole life in one is not favoured by anyone.
    In fact the more determined I am the more anxious
    those around me get.
    Who wouldn't want me to be strong right now?
    Looks like I'm starting to find out.
    I have no fear of the truth, it is rather my only comfort. the only thing I can trust.
    And I am starting to realise that the more
    grounded I am, the more others seem to be
    floating away.
    My fear has had me feel I can't live without them.
    My hunch is I have been restricting my life
    with them.
    I'm closer to me than anyone has ever been.
    And as that closeness is rare glimpses.
    No wonder I have felt left out on a limb.
    The truth has forced me there.
    And now it is the truth that calls me ashore.
    Teo feet firmly on the ground.
    Enter the tiger!
    Your going to hear me roar!
     
    Energylz likes this.
  8. Survivor

    Survivor Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2004
    Messages:
    930
    Likes Received:
    198
    Trauma time traveller

    I walked down a lane today
    it took me far away
    I walked around a corner
    and I was struck by
    bricks & stones that
    couldn't tell me the date
    They where there then
    & they are ther now.
    Only difference is the
    one way system.
    Then as I expect to see
    a car park, with pot holes
    and broken glass.
    I am dumb founded
    That is now a park
    covered with grass.
    I walked a line in time
    today & I walked a line
    out.
    Only now each foot
    has a hold on one or
    the other.
    The void, the crack
    the earthquake track
    has gone.
    I'm so in tune with
    then & now.
    I march to the beat
    of my drum.
    A beat that has me
    standing firm &
    has no sound for run.
    This time traveller
    has a a button
    entitled
    "where it all begun"
    But it's out of order
    or is this the pun?
     
    Energylz likes this.
  9. Survivor

    Survivor Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2004
    Messages:
    930
    Likes Received:
    198
    As I reflect on my therapeutic support
    since September.
    I am astounded as to the gift it is
    It feels like I have been given a life key
    I feel grounded on a platform of pure
    radical acceptance of the reality
    that engulfed me, hid me, shocked
    me, broke me, bruised me, trapped me,
    tortured me, scared me, frightened me,
    but was never me.
    I am not what happened to me!
     
    Energylz likes this.
  10. Energylz

    Energylz Moody-rator ©
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Apr 30, 2004
    Messages:
    16,490
    Likes Received:
    621
    Very well put. :)
     
    Survivor likes this.
  11. Survivor

    Survivor Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2004
    Messages:
    930
    Likes Received:
    198
    There's a faint voice that still cries out
    She wants our mind & body to sort this out.
    Broken & split apart.
    No wonder we have a racing heart.
    I'm frightened, she's petrified.
    This state of limbo is challenging
    whether we will,ever be reunited.
    My goal one is to at least get them
    started.
     
  12. Survivor

    Survivor Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2004
    Messages:
    930
    Likes Received:
    198
  13. Survivor

    Survivor Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2004
    Messages:
    930
    Likes Received:
    198
    How profound
    As today I introduced my body to my mind
    They bowed at each other,as a mark of respect
    Then they stepped together "lest us never forget"
     

Share This Page

This site uses XenWord.