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Rape & Complex PTSD

Discussion in 'Mental & Emotional' started by Survivor, Nov 15, 2004.

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  1. Survivor

    Survivor New Member

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    Mum,

    I couldn't tell you
    I couldn't say
    I don't think you
    would have ever heard
    of such vulgarity
    happening to me.
    I wasn't there most of the time
    My body reacting, like I was dying
    or running out of time.
    They didn't ask
    They didn't say
    They didn't care any way
    Why ask where they could take
    Why ask when even if I want to reply
    I couldn't.
    It hurt so bad
    and you know how I
    can redirect pain
    well this time I was
    crushed by shock & by shame.
    I felt all the pain.
    Since then I would never be the same.
    I'm not surprised I didn't go insane.
    To hide a fact so big & raw.
    I couldn't protect what they tore.
    I was broken
    To some extent I still am.
    I question why me?
    I question how many?
    I don't know answers
    about my own body.
    A break in that death
    should have evicted them.
    I'm holding out
    I'm holding on
    I wasn't your daughter
    when they made me their's
    I silently held on too
    the strands of life that
    brought me home.
    I'm still lost
    because I didn't tell.
    But then I protected you.
    Now I am living in PTSD hell.
     
  2. Survivor

    Survivor New Member

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    No one awake to ground my soul
    No one to tell me it's ok
    PTSD iscolates me
    Early hours of the morning
    It ridicules me
    Again I see what I don't ever want to see
    Sleep doesn't follow after these atrocities
    wide awake with panic in my eyes
    I'm tired, I'm scared, I'm alone in my head
    while others are comforted by their bed
     
  3. Survivor

    Survivor New Member

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    A strangers life takes an unexpected turn for the worse
    My life held in the balance for 29 years
    Their off course collides with me
    Like a head on collision I am shocked, stunned & stopped
    in my tracks.
    There never was balance
    There will never be balance
    The precious cargo carried in my mind
    spills everywhere & an onlooker says
    "It's what you wanted, isn't it?"
    It's not all spilt I hold on tight to images
    at first I thought I would offload.
    My minds made up, its safer they never
    see the light.
    Complex webs will remain in my head.
    The words on the tip of my tongue are
    words now considered dead.
    I placed false faith, that someone would
    unburden my ladened head.
    See the web & unraveled its secrets.
    But it's mind blowing & best left unsaid.
    Or have I fell into a lions den & fear the
    roar that fills me with dread.
    Is it them who plant these seeds of doubt
    that I'll never trust someone enough to
    let it all out?
     
  4. Energylz

    Energylz Moody-rator ©
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    I think you could find someone to get it out and help... it's just finding the right someone, and (as I'm sure many of us know) that usually involves finding many wrong someone's to get there first; which can leave us exasperated and without hope.
    There is always hope though... and if you can't see the wood for the trees, remember there are trees and you can see.... I read that once from someone very wise. ;)
     
  5. Survivor

    Survivor New Member

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    Thanks Giles!
     
  6. Survivor

    Survivor New Member

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    Dear HP,

    Without thee!
    I would not be a me
    this place doesn't ignore me
    It doesn't worry about me spilling
    It rather contains the overflow
    from my mind 24/7 365.
    Thank you
    Some may think I litter this thread
    with the pictures from in my head.
    Some may think I'm going around & around.
    With PTSD I go over & over always hopeful
    to one day make it to a summit & decend
    into a life for me.
    Only abuse doesn't make me feel worthy of
    a life.
    Professionals make me feel like I should
    think about What, When, How or Why
    I share my feelings with them..
    Well when you get my words you get them
    raw, unsolicited, why?
    Because my life is raw & unsolicited.
    in my head are images that I will
    never share with another soul
    & why? Because said professionals
    don't get trauma, the power of the abusers,
    PTSD & they want neat, segmented, ordered
    information that fits there systems & tick boxes
    My mind is full of complex patterns of
    abuse. Laid down by complex abusers,
    with complex control over me.
    So my words I share are random
    elements of files of abuse that has been
    hard wired into my nervous system
    by abusers.
    PTSD is the replay button.
    I have one wish, that professionals
    would see that their criticism, judgement or
    blatant disregard for my words shut me into
    the torture in my head,
    My Nervous systems then plays out
    the patterns of remembering that
    still shock me from my sleep
    most nights.
    The only outlet I have is words
    The only freedom I have are words
    The only control I have are words.
    And everyone single word is accurately
    expressing how the raw unsolicited
    experience of my traumas affect me
    in the present day & every day.
    If I didn't have this outlet
    I would have disappeared
    or rather never appeared.
    For my experience of early life has
    been that I belong to others.
    My current experience has proven to me
    that I am bound to my abusers who
    not only still abuse me on repeat
    because of the PTSD.
    But they are protected by a society
    that are still not prepared to listen
    to victims of complex chronic abuse
    from multiple abusers.
    That at some point they have heard what
    they need & they have what is required from
    you to see them to fruition.
    When my inner children are back on a desert
    island that many ships have passed & some even
    landed. But none have ever rescued me &
    incase you wondered where the abusers
    are in this metaphor they have a nifty speed boat
    & they know where my island is & they can come
    on over any time they please to remind me
    that they truely are more powerful than any
    passing ship (professional) because not only
    did they abandon us there. They made us into
    a shape that will never fit in a passing ships system.
    When I look at child protection I look at the
    most unimaginable & hope to work back to a lessor
    reality. My experience has been however that with some
    cases the most unimaginable sometimes, not only
    isn't lessened, but stretch by fact beyond belief.
    I believe their beyond & I live trapped in a mind
    beyond. I'm by no means competing, I'd rather
    a simple life of abuse over a complex any day.
    No abuse is too far fetched for me.
    And so HP you are my life jacket &
    When I dare to make another escape from this
    island of abuse. You keep me afloat &
    allow me to drift out a little with my words
    daring to bridge the void between my past & the
    current day.
    You give me hope that there is land out there
    & you've stopped me from donning the cement filled boots.
    I won't appologise for any word spoken or written.
    I do appologise for how inconvenient they sometimes are.
    I have quarantined this toxic hard drive for 4 decades &
    I never want it to contaminate another soul.
    Giles, when I say I'm resided to them never seeing
    the light of day.
    It's because every glimmer of light has been blocked up.
    And so my metaphor triggers another memory of being
    deprived of light & failing to hide away from the shadows
    that blocked it.
    Finally, I'm not demanding or having a diva moment
    when stuck in trauma. I am shouting & demanding to
    be heard, so my life can be validated & my summit
    reached. So I may ascend into a life, that's all I want from
    these words.
    I just want to be in my life.
    As I know owning it entirely is never going to possible.
    It will always be owned by those who threaten to take
    it from me completely.
    Because if I ever find a professional (ship) to land &
    rescue us all, they are going to wanna sink me &
    the ship. Maybe that's a bother reason professionals
    (Ships) find themselves saying "oh I have to stop you there,
    I need to consentrate on....."
    HP you've never run from my complexity.
    You've never shied away from my truth.
    You don't ask to see a part of me & then
    think I'm mad.
    You know I'm damaged, you know I'm often stuck.
    But I just wanted you to know that because of you
    I'm going to keep setting off flares (express my trauma)
    & I'm still going to swim out a little further.
    And maybe in writing this I need to write a message in a
    bottle as assurance that if I am ever lost at sea
    or my perpetrators get sink me. Someone will know
    my life in its entirety.
    Thanks you HP, without thee.
    I would be lost at sea

    Teresa
     
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  7. Survivor

    Survivor New Member

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    On the bright side my psychology appointment went well!

    Although after a 5 month wait the outcome
    was to be put on another waiting list
    & a book recommendation.

    So the limbo continues.....
     
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  8. Survivor

    Survivor New Member

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    I ordered the book!
     
  9. Energylz

    Energylz Moody-rator ©
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    Ooo, care to share what book it is?
     
  10. Survivor

    Survivor New Member

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    Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A GUIDE AND MAP FOR RECOVERING FROM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA Paperback – 13 Dec 2013
    by Pete Walker (Author)
     
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  11. Survivor

    Survivor New Member

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    I'm blown away by the reality
    A book recommendation it may be
    But to me it's validation that I was a child
    & traumatised in childhood.
    It feel like I have won the lottery & won acknowledgement
    & then the abusers come to mind & their denial
    rips up my ticket.
    It's a new feeling though & im going to try & hold
    on to it.
     
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  12. Survivor

    Survivor New Member

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    It's in the moments I think I exist
    that fear, panic & terror consumes me.
    How do you ground yourself to the now
    when doing so triggers blood curdling
    terror.
    I crave groundhog days
    predictable, no frills, certainty
    of a day without unexpected happenings.
    or a sedation to allow my unconscious mind
    to hit the shock, horror & terror.
    Without shocking me to startled awake!
    That leaves me with a dread that is like a host in my body.
     
  13. Survivor

    Survivor New Member

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    On the other hand the fighter in me
    goes out of her way to book in
    the unthinkable of challenges
    that test my mental stamina to
    breaking point.
    At which point I find my self
    with a red rag to the bull
    that is my panic & say
    "Do your best to destroy me
    because I've been to hell
    & back so many times you kind
    of bore me!"
     
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  14. Survivor

    Survivor New Member

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    The sand of time
    is beckoning
    The future a mirage
    that can't be realised
    Take all my worldly processions
    I don't care for stuff
    My life is the battle
    for truth to be tough
    I'd lay down my life
    to prove all is true
    My angels I love you
    My angels I do
    but without truth
    exposed I'm nothing
    to you.
    I'm serious
    I'm sure
    There's nothing I want more
    Excuse my obsession with
    the truth.
    But without it I can not reside.
    As sure as the day
    As sure as the night
    Consumed by the terror of that night.
    Without truth exposed there is nothing
    to fight.
    Denial is a guard made of paper
    & truth an acetylene torch.
    It's a fact, its an actual occurance.
    To deny it is like saying I was never
    born.
    It's insanity that won't haunt me.
    It's an insanity that won't taunt me.
    I'll do what it takes.
    A part of me wishes it never came
    to this. But the other part of me is
    fed up of existing in an obis.
     
  15. jnani

    jnani Well-Known Member

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    I thought the book was beginning to help you....followed by same kind of poems.
    What's going on Teresa?
     
  16. Survivor

    Survivor New Member

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    Jnani,

    Thank you for your comment.

    The book recommendation helped because it put my symptoms into a script
    & having looked at the content. The book has a vast catalogue of ideas to help.
    I have yet to read it as I had challenged myself to go away, so to challenge the
    fear & panic that spiralled out of control over Easter.
    So I have pushed myself & then came back to the same facts I left here
    & so my "same kind of poems" expressed the fact that I can't get away from.
    The fact that what happened to me, is a fact that I would die proving.
    Like I am sentanced for its occurance & I can't be freed till it is proved.

    This Is clearly linked to my values & principles.
    I am very literal about it and I can't see any other way around or over it.
    It is a brick wall that makes me feel claustraphobic.

    Teresa
     
  17. jnani

    jnani Well-Known Member

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    Dear Teresa
    This is my response to all your postings.

    I know you are worried about revisiting, processing and even leaving it behind (in a way that it is so familiar), the why me, the whole loop and you are tired of all strategies of coping, itvis a cocoon that you hate and yet cannot break out of.

    What I do is not therapy, it reconnects you with the Real You, a deep and effortless letting go. Nothing is ever revisited....

    Whenever you feel ready to embrace liberation, get in touch

    I cannot keep quiet anymore knowing this suffering can transform into tremendous beauty and grace
    So there sweetheart...
     
  18. Survivor

    Survivor New Member

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    Thank you Jnani!

    I know you are boldly challenging the loop I am in, for me.

    I don't defend the loop, I am frightened for the children inside it.
    Your right the trauma is very normal for me.
    But it is also debilitating & in complete control of my life.

    Letting go sounds like falling
    Letting go sounds like letting my inner children go
    The obis I'm in with them is all I know.

    Thank you for pointing me to seeing this.

    Teresa
    X
     
  19. Survivor

    Survivor New Member

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    Imagine waking & nothing is as it was when you lost consciousness
    that is the way I start my day
    Then imagine your walking fully conscious & suddenly like
    someone pulled a plug on your surroundings you
    FEEL like you don't exist.
    This is my experience of moments, minutes & sometimes hours.
    Then another sudden onset is you go to swallow a sip of water
    & your tongue rigours & you are drawn to retract it into the back of
    your throat effectively closing of your swallow.
    This in turn holds your breath & then you panic & grab at your tongue
    begging it to be out of your mouth.
    Only your tongue doesn't then seem to belong to you.
    Freeze, fright, freeze...............
    It can happen anytime, anywhere, night or day, awake or asleep.
    Frenzied, fear, terror, tear, how do I just disappear.
     
  20. jnani

    jnani Well-Known Member

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    To me, all your postings are cry for help....I still have to extend me, if you are willing to take me or not. I often don't read this thread, but when I do, I cannot but reply. I tried again, but it will have me respond to you.

    On the contrary letting go is not losing those children ( child for that matter). Infact it is finding that child And nurturing and loving it like no tomorrow.
    Letting go is not falling...all the stuff your soul carries fall away. You fly, if anything

    Traumatized folks are also immensely attached to it at a subtle level, which is the only resistance to finding freedom. It is quite an abiding bond as I often find with adults with history of incestual abuse. All so messy from that place....untangled, flowing and smooth from a simplified reality...as they come out of it

    ....at the moment you are only aware of your trauma, control, sadness, victim, prison, memories, etc...then you will only know freedom.

    As your being shifts so do your past and present mysteriously....
    Sending you clarity and love
     
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