Healthypages

Rape & Complex PTSD

Discussion in 'Mental & Emotional' started by Survivor, Nov 15, 2004.

Tags:
  1. Survivor

    Survivor New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2004
    Messages:
    802
    Likes Received:
    148
    You havn't done anything
    We survived didn't we
    If you hadn't locked us
    away, we wouldn't have
    been able to carry on
    But we did because you
    made us into new people.
    Now you use that skill to
    help other children.
    Would you blame them for
    what happened to them?
    Yes we have all been
    abused & we all
    had our own individual
    ways to cope with it
    We are sorry you
    have had to see so
    many horrible pictures
    recently
    But now you believe
    your 15 year old
    We all want you
    to believe in us too
    We are all the truth
    and it means so much
    to you because you
    are our truth combined
    Only right now you
    can't put us all together
    Because if you did it
    would put us all at risk.
    We notice your fear
    We notice your tear
    We are sorry you
    feel so splintered.
    But we didn't break you
    We were all broken
    We were all silenced
    We are not mad
    But what happened
    to us was.
    We know this is confusing
    you, having to realise all
    we saw, heard & felt.
    We know each other
    but can't speak to each
    other at the moment.
    But we can't hold on
    to our stories for much
    longer.
    We thought you might have
    broken down by now.
    It would be better if you
    did.
    Your pushing yourself
    frightens us.
    We know the thoughts
    you can't share.
    Have you found someone
    to tell yet?
    We really think you need
    to soon!
    We promise not to
    threaten you anymore.
    You must understand
    we thought you
    we're ignoring us.
    Don't ignore us!
    We know you
    struggle to understand
    what we need.
    But it is simple
    We need to be believed.
    This is why we
    are going to calm down
    like sleeping lions.
    We don't want you
    to look or sound
    mad.
    We know this is
    your core feeling
    when you fall
    asleep,
    When you dream
    & when you wake.
    We have been coming
    to you in your sleep
    because we thought
    it would be less
    frightening for you
    But we know now
    that when you wake
    you don't know how
    old you are or what
    day it is or who is
    hurting you.
    We will leave you
    sleep.
    But don't ignore us!
    We won't forget
    our life stories
    We all have ours
    ready.
    If you could only
    find someone to
    help us share our
    stories.
    But we know why
    you are frightened too.
    So let's stop this now
    Let's put away
    all these pieces
    around your head.
    Let's put them
    in the pyjama case
    the white rabbit
    one with all
    your other
    memory items
    Zip it up
    & cover your
    eyes with the ears
    and it's locked again
    like we all used
    to do.
    Phew
    We are safe again
    your taught us well
    see you always
    gave us a plan.
    Now rest in
    your special place
    where no one
    can find you
    We promise if
    you take us there
    we won't make a
    sound.
     
  2. Survivor

    Survivor New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2004
    Messages:
    802
    Likes Received:
    148
    We are 16024 days old today!
    How many days did we think we
    wouldn't make it?
    Or that someone close to us
    wouldn't make it?
    Our days have primarily been
    full of fear & then there are the
    days that we relive.
    Days so extraordinarily more
    frightening than the others.
    The days that ripped into our body,
    ripped into our mind & have occupied
    us ever since.
    Yet we made another life for us
    when left to manifest, create &
    design. We have made beauty,
    innocence & hope live through us.
    We have never let the hand of those
    who hurt us, turn our hands to
    hurt another. Our hands hold, cherish
    heal, support, cradle & guide children.
    We still have love in our heart.
    We had love in our heart when we
    thought the hand of those abusing
    us would make that heart stop.
    It didn't!
    We didn't survive to die
    We will all hold hands
    and face our abusers
    1 by 1
    Broken, shattered &
    splintered is the Opal
    on my hand.
    It is still beautiful
    & you can smash a
    precious stone & it
    will only every make
    more precious stones.
    We are all precious
    Teresa!
    You can't break the
    precious out of me!
    I am pulling myself
    back together.
    I am a truth
    warrior & my
    truth is immortal!
    It's my shield
    I don't need a sword
    I think this is what you
    call a come back
     
  3. Survivor

    Survivor New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2004
    Messages:
    802
    Likes Received:
    148
    Unbearable mental pain
    With no A & E
    Unbearable mental pain
    With no pain relief
    Unbearable mental pain
    On a waiting list
    Unbearable mental pain
    engulfs me to the point
    of claustrophobia
    In my realisation
    that I am the one in all my
    worst nightmares
    A panic has me
    like a dread so realised.
    You are the dread.
    Your life is the dread.
    There's only so much
    you can take.
    Like a labour in isolation
    only a labour ends
    & a new life is born.
    My processing
    has lead me to a
    cliff in my head.
    I denied all
    the trauma in my life
    & my reward is I get
    it all as a reality
    I never wanted &
    don't now.
    I can't disaccociate
    It's like living without
    an emergency hover
    mode.
    Only living is not my
    current state
    I'm emersed in
    a sea of trauma
    with no one
    around
    I have certainly
    lost sight of
    land
    I have no ship
    to shore.
    If I didn't I couldn't
    use it.
    I can't afford to be
    in this sea, it would
    be like a tsunami
    crashing over me.
    I need to make this
    go away.
    I need to conceal its
    existance.
    But my beam me up
    is not functioning &
    I feel like the button I
    keep pressing to activate
    it is shocking my body
    with the most horrendous
    emotional charge.
    My skin is crawling
    every part of me on edge
    like a hullicination
    that would have you
    chopping of your head.
    Only this is not a trick of
    the mind.
    It's a trauma video of the truth
    only now it doesn't just play on loop.
    It's not just freeze framing when it wants.
    It's linking all the other films
    the ones where I am mute.
    It's virtual reality with sensors
    over ever ounce of me.
    I relive the touch, the sound, the smell,
    the temperature, the hostile air,
    the textures I can feel.
    Only this time I allow myself to accept its
    all real.
    Like a revelation jolting through my body
    then & now.
    My body doesn't feel like it's mine anymore
    I squirm like every creep is crawling over me
    none wait for their turn.
    They laugh a theme that makes me sick
    I just want to scream.
    Burn my flesh!
    Let me scrub me clean!
    bleach my insides!
    cauterise my mouth!
    dig out my eyes!
    numb my brain!
    PTSD stop strumming
    my pain!
    I'm in my battle field alone
    Still fighting off these men.
    Another shunt
    another shiver
    That's my body
    that's my fear
    what man ignores
    a child's tear?
    Stop, No
    the words ignored
    my mind severed me
    from them like a sword
    only now they have
    the upper hand
    they know more
    than I can ever understand.
    Only now I dare myself to
    remember I get the flash
    the light literally on.
    No wonder I can't stand
    the strobe lights.
    The sound of them clicking on
    the buzz of electricity
    I can see the voltage used
    because I didn't want to see
    who else was with me.


     
  4. Survivor

    Survivor New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2004
    Messages:
    802
    Likes Received:
    148
    Why does it take me so long to come out about abuse?


    TRAUMA
    It's petrifying
    My abuse is in my nervous system
    You relive it when you take a peep
    Enough to make you never speak
    it involved facing ones death!
    In more ways than one.
    It felt like the whole community knew
    It felt like the adults around me knew
    It happened over months
    It involved different people
    It was done by criminals
    It was done by a group
    My silence was a form of control
    My denial was a form of control
    My mortality is a form of control
    It's like being implanted with a programme
    that can kill you anytime the administer chooses
    Only there are so many implanted programs firing
    off in my head, saying the same thing
    I can't silence them.
    I can't make them stop.
    The most frightening feeling is
    being locked up.

    Why does it take so long to come out about abuse?

    Sexual abuse is emotional abuse, physical abuse &
    psychologically damaging. With PTSD it just happened
    it's not registered in my brain as past. It's a daily threat
    that I will relive it again. Suppress it and you don't get
    to see so much.
    Open up & it gets everywhere.
    Open up & it doesn't fit anywhere

    I'm buried alive in this head
    Won't somebody dig me out
    because I spoke out
     
    2 people like this.
  5. Survivor

    Survivor New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2004
    Messages:
    802
    Likes Received:
    148
    I hear the ticking of the clock
    I'm lying here the rooms pitch black
    The hands of time falls through my mind
    The world doesn't exist outside
    It's me against these rampaging men
    My throat is stuck it's caving in
    I hold my breath
    I dare not take another
    My face feels like it's smothered
    My eyes sealed shut
    I sense a threat
    My body no longer relative
    My mind in a frenzied state
    A panic room surrounds me
    I'm shackled to the earth below
    No chains needed when you
    have no where to go
    Tied down on a railway track
    The oncoming train knocks me back
    The impact splits my life in two
    One has left! one is dying!
    There is no one in the world
    to protect me
    No one will find all the pieces
    strewn across this floor
    I'm a rag doll staring at her stuffing
    now it's been torn & split apart
    Acts like these
    should have stopped my heart
    Memories not deleted before they start
    Oranges & lemons says the bells of
    st clement, chop, chop, chop of my head
    I don't want to remember
    I don't want to see, feel or be
    I'm lying here the rooms pitch black
    Then in the shadows they appear
    Horror sweeps over my skin
    I can't stop them breaking in
    My muscles won't work
    My insides are evaporating
    I don't try to hold on
    I want to disappear
    I don't want to exist
    But they have ideas they still persist
    They muted me once
    They muted me twice
    Now it's my breath he
    takes in his stride
    Aberfan rape
    The coal slide the men
    I'm trapped underneath
    I've caved in
    I can't breath
    I can't clear my throat
    There are bodies around me
    And they won't get off
    I'm contorted & snapped
    into place
    I have no dignity
    I am tarred with their disgrace
    I'm fading away
    Please let me go
    You've mad into a shape
    That will never fit again
    Smash me into particles
    and let me leave on the sea breeze
    make me apart of that wave
    Let this storm claim my life &
    at the breaking of day
    let me pass away
    I didn't return
    I never went home
    I'm stuck in that hell
    that torture room
    The fibres of the tiles
    are under my nails
    I'm limp & lifeless
    I can't ever escape
    the incident that sealed my fate
     
  6. Survivor

    Survivor New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2004
    Messages:
    802
    Likes Received:
    148
    Trauma has no off switch
    That's the point
    Manic women locked away
    repeating the sins against them every day
    They where not mad
    They where traumatised
    A state reached by extreme terror
    A synapse scar
    An attack taken too far
    My judgement is to blame say some
    My 1st brain judged it as an immenant risk to life
    My 2nd brain judged it to be emotionally impossible
    My 3rd brain didn't judge it at all - I judged me instead
    I can't change the judgment day
    I can't change the judgement of brain 1 or 2 because they register FACT
    Trauma doesn't make it to the thinking brain
    I can't think myself out of Trauma
    I will always seek to smooth the synapse scars I have
    I will always seek to process as much trauma as I can
    I will always sow love & light in the life of others
    I must learn how to sow more of it into mine I
    I'm not bitter about my trauma's I am coming to terms
    with the fact they will never go away
    I'm not running from them
    Packing them up or denying them
    I am not my trauma's
    I live despite them
    Only some days it feels like they are
    crucifying me
    I'm not stuck on repeat by choice
    I'm prepared to see them as many times
    as my mind needs to, in order to make them
    into an orderly past
    this is my way
    I am courageously ploughing through the
    trauma that so nearly exstinguished my life
    no wonder it feels like it could again at anytime
    It's a dangerous synapse pathway to follow
    Don't judge my walk through it as unnecessary
    or a choice I need not make.
    In the trauma there are parts of me I need
    back, I'm not settling for a half me.
    I know a number of men hold answers I will never
    get.
    But I hold answers I never wanted to ever have.
    Because doing so means I couldn't deny who the
    X men are & what they have all done.
    I'm so ashamed of what they did to me
    If they had felt ashamed they wouldn't of done it
    I'm not holding their shame for them any more.
    I'm going to give it back to them one at a time!
    I'm not threatening them, I'm not doing it for them.
    I'm doing it for me!
     
  7. Survivor

    Survivor New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2004
    Messages:
    802
    Likes Received:
    148
    A trip to London
    Anonymous I became
    Took in a show
    I was away from so many triggers
    Until!
    The Queeen's theatre stage
    light poised
    I dreamed a dream sung
    No one else in that space existed
    My nervous system tuned into lyrics
    I'm on a different land my seat
    made me notice wear I was
    Only my body had been triggered
    and I can't move, I can't get out
    The theatre shrink wraps around my
    head
    I want to scream I want to shout
    Tears roll down my cheeks instead
    I suddenly loose a grip on why I'm in this
    space & place
    A panic grips my throat & runs through
    my veins.
    I can't speak, I can't raise an alarm
    I'm stuck in a performance with those on stage
    the audience don't get it they don't see the connection
    I've made yet the emotion they feel from the performance
    makes me feel less unwell
    Maybe others resonate with this art
    Then the performers from though the ages
    seem to grace my sense of this place
    I see the actors eliciting a feeling that by virtue
    of the role as audience you never get to disclose
    It moved me
    It moved something in me
    It frightened me that in my attempt to escape
    The hell of home
    Hell had found me & the fact I was away made
    feel detached from any calm existance
    Hell I didn't exist at all
    Then I gain a craving to be homeless
    to have no fixed abode
    To wander idol babbling all that is in my head
    letting go of the madness of looking like I cope
    When inside I am screaming like a banshee
    alerting everyone to my death
    A homeless mess no need for a name
    Camden Town a place to rest
    anonymous existance
    would it break me from my past?
    It's a new kind of denial
    It's a great fail
    No one would see my fall
    No one would see from where I fell
    I loose my back stories
    They die & I don't
    I build up a new life
    A new place
    I loose all that I have
    It's no loss I gain
    I would be me
    with no ball & chain
    Wait PTSD is haunting me
    it would follow me
    Is this where I become an addict
    To block the pictures out
    Sedate my nervous system
    no need for it to stay alert
    I'm broken already
    They took my childhood in
    their stride
    & they where gone when Autumn
    came.
    Only my life is not lived in seasons
    unless I prompt one to fall
    I need an Autumn to rid me
    of every leaf
    I need a winter to freeze my brain
    I need a spring to be born again
    I need a summer to make me feel alive
    I dreamed a dream in time gone by

    But the tigers come at night
    With their voices soft as thunder
    As they tear your hopes apart
    As they turn your dreams to shame

    Is it no wonder I want my life
    to match my insides
    I'm in a palace on the outside
    When inside I feel like the sewers
    drain
    There was something in
    Les Miserables
    That acknowledged my misery
    when I have spent a life time
    putting on an act
    That it didn't hurt
    & if I insist it didn't
    hurt it didn't exist
    I still deny my pain
    what ever it may be
    If you disconnect from
    the pain you disconnect from the act
    which caused it & it stops it really happening
    Only the pain built up this weekend
    While away in costa coffee picaddily
    down stairs & I feel the room shrink wrap me
    again.
    I am in so much pain, discomfort, interfered with,
    Awkward aches & I want to scream out what
    these men are doing to me & I can't
    it's too late it's decades to late.
    Then images fill my mind and it's like witnessing
    child abuse & your so stunned you can't speak
    Only you are the child & the pain is your abuse
    screaming at you.
    I could imagine running into a polic station or A & E
    explaining it all. It would have been as though it just
    happened.
    Only it did, but it didn't.
    I'm feeling then, now yet have no then, now.
    I'm stuck in a trauma time machine
    Only I can't find a date & time to go back too that
    precedes it.
    Worse I am flitting back to so many dates, times & traumas
    I feel like an episode of quantum leap with no holographic
    advisor & the body I end up in is me just at different ages
    damn I need to short circuit my nervous system
    because I hit override so long ago
    I ain't going to become catatonic this time.
    I just time shifted to have a weekend off & got lost in my head
    Instead.
    I can see why people want to blow their head off
    How else do you destroy a robot on repeat
    Severe the computer from the body and all memory is
    lost.
    Or disappear without a trace?
    Why post this at all? I need to post it out of head.
    These thought trains make me so nervous & panicked
    I need to park them somewhere.
    I'm running out of car parking spaces in here.
    In fact I get the feeling that I will soon be banned from
    car parking or ban myself for fear of being or sounding like
    a typical kinda person.
     
  8. Survivor

    Survivor New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2004
    Messages:
    802
    Likes Received:
    148
    This can't be a personal journey
    that I keep to myself
    The security of others knowing
    is like an anchor in this storm!
    Why would she expose herself
    here? Like this?
    When you have been exposed
    by criminal acts
    acts that you become responsible
    for consealing out of shame,
    out of groomed trauma bonds.
    You need your truth to exist
    outside.
    There are many incidents
    not exposed here
    There are some acts
    too exposing for me to expose further.
    Since I can first remember I was convinced
    I would not live long
    I now think this was a & is a coping strategy
    to get from one trauma to the next
    Yet a part of me still believes I'm on
    borrowed time.
    Imagine for a moment that your
    memory is a catalogue of crime.
    And if it dies the catalogue dies too.
    I have always known that my eyes,
    my ears, my nervous system have
    experienced, witnessed & been
    subjected too many acts that the perpetrators
    would let die in an instant.
    That the only reason they still exist is because I do.
    Imagine the responsibility to remember
    Imagine the intensity of the facts
    Waking me
    Charging me with pain
    Choking me with discust
    Gagging me with shame
    Without my memory it all gets
    lost forever.
    Now imagine how dead some
    may have wanted me?
    This want resonates in me
    as fear, which in turn makes me
    think if I told all I would be seen as mad.
    They don't have to tell you not to tell
    They only have to look, record, capture
    you in a position they forced you into
    as a child & they own you.
    They own your sense of self
    They own the knowledge about what they
    did when you passed out.
    They own the sharing of you
    They own the truth & they twist
    it like a knife by denying it.
    I retch as I type, because they
    are like hosts that brand me
    I feel like I have a barcode on my neck
    a tag on my toe
    a number on my chest
    I'm bound to the men who broke me
    like having the knife still in the wound
    multiple rapes aren't withdrawn
    by the one man after another
    being repeatedly raped is a permanent
    penetration
    You still reach down to stop it but
    it's never stops!
    I get so close to spilling
    I just can't imagine existing if I did
    Yet the need to spill is so overwhelming
    I could just keep typing.................
    It's madness that I could just say it
    It's madness that I havn't
    it's madness that I can't
    When I speak out, I shock myself,
    I actualise the facts in my head.
    I let them out like lost children
    only the people I tell are not allowed
    to acknowledge the children you show them
    They actually deny their existance
    They don't affirm anything about them
    They silently listen, stare & ignore the
    broken child you expose.
    It makes me feel a bad kind of exposure
    like someone has seen your abuse
    They stare at it and do nothing
    Say nothing & then you leave like nothing
    happened.
    It's madness, that anyone would tell their
    whole story when one child is exposed
    the oldest & boldest, who kinda expected
    the response.
    But inside you have the others who
    have seen how she was treated & they
    need open arms & reassurance.
    Why do people who manage historical abuse
    not realise that the age you where is the
    age you will speak as.
    I could never complete an interview as an adult for one
    of my smallest children.
    I have to assume the authentic, real, existing child
    inside. I would need to used their words, their understanding,
    their naivety.
    Only no one says "What was your earliest memory of abuse? &
    don't worry if you have to explain it as a small child"
    I am welling up with the need to have my inner children heard.
    "Who will hear my children's hurt?"
    "Who will let them explain?"
    "Who will let me loose my adult, professional self & regress to the voice I had when
    I was a small child? Without ridiculing the sounds, words, demonstrations & names I use?"

    I'm a "Russian doll" I took one layer off & told
    I then in private took all the others out and they can't necessarily stay in order
    now they don't fit, but they don't want to be mute
    They want to tell their stories
    I can't hold their memories any more
    They frighten me
    They are overwhelming me
    They want to spill here BUT I tell them it's too dangerous
    That their 15 year old has been telling her story for 15 years now
    13 years on HP
    That they can't just rock up & spill theirs
    THEN they scream why not? We don't have 15 years to explain
    We are not going to make it if it's years, we want now.
    But there is no one to hear your stories the way you need them too!!!

    I can't contain them any more & I don't want to loose them either.

    I'm stuck in here with no team to support me with this volume of traumatised children.
     
  9. Survivor

    Survivor New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2004
    Messages:
    802
    Likes Received:
    148
    A new life somewhere else?
    I can't live here anymore
    I feel claustrophobic
    BUT I have commitments
    I have constantly tethered
    to a stack of commitments
    To force me to have to cope
    for someone else
    But since being away
    I feel out of character
    I feel that I am going to snap
    Like I will make a choice & nothing
    will stop me
    Then I feel vulnerable
    thinking how I would walk
    straight into the wrong people.
    Do people plan where they are going?
    Do they take cash?
    Do they advertise somewhere?
    It won't help the PTSD
    But the hypervigilance would be
    over a new environment & not the same
    I have kinda shared all these thoughts with those
    around me & they don't hear no intent
    I have shared many ideas I have had as
    a solution with those around me
    & then I shift into the coping, emotional guide
    that rescues them from what they hear &
    they feel great & I feel like I am drifting further
    away.
    I would have to live with the guilt of acting on
    these thoughts
    As the most selfish act of my whole life
    But I don't think I have ever made a selfish
    act in my entire life?
    How can I be an I if I doesn't fit in the life
    I've made to heal others?
    I need to heal me & that can't happen while
    I'm everybodies dream catcher, creator &
    maker.
    I would have to have a severance
    A leap that will be so opposite to this
    I am stuck in a life that if fantastic for
    everyone around me but me.
    I don't have the strength to me a me for me
    Or should I say I don't know how to be a me for me.
    My life in pain has tolerated more pain.
    The world see idyllic & I make idyllic look easy
    only I don't exist in the ideology of what I create
    for others.
    I could sob & plead to be set free from all of this &
    I have been told by my nearest & dearest I deserve it
    & what ever I want he will totally understand.
    That he feels that he has been topped up for eternity
    with what I have given him.
    Am I to resume normality with such a blatant
    Thanks I'm fine I know your not good luck with that.
    30 years of my actualising his wants, dreams, aspirations &
    goals. I don't get it or maybe I do?
    A guilty conscience who can't deny his had his cake &
    eaten it.
    Only I'm on the wrong side of the hill now,
    So I walk away?
    Maybe I have to have nothing to set me free?
    If I leave it all for somewhere completely new
    I might exist there?
    I can't believe how I have dedicated myself to him &
    when I say I think leaving will set me free he agrees!
    Why would he believe I deserve this unless he....
    He said he has lived with this expectation his whole life
    That I would leave him because I deserve better.
    I don't deserve this total surrender to wait I think I need
    When I am too ill to know what I need?
    Or maybe this is it?
    The opportunity to make a fresh start?
    Only I can't, I'm to damaged to be a fresh anything
    I would need to leave & check in to a residential therapeutic ???
    It doesn't exist for love for money there is no where on the planet
    who could help me.
    I have no connection to anyone
    No bond
    No absolute security
    I only have what I put in
    If I stop nothing is reciprocated
    What have I done wrong?
    I gave all of me to one man
    No one has dedicated themselves to me, ever!
    I have been blind
    Deluded in my obsession to keep busy
    that I didn't see my life for what I made it
    If I can't make it anymore for others then
    I am finished
    I have no greater need than to suffer
    amnesia.
    Won't someone fry my brain
    I didn't want to have existed before right now
    I can't imagine existing
    If I did just for me, there would be no point.
    So free doesn't exist in this life
    Therapy doesn't exist for me here
    or anywhere else in this planet.
    It's me who can't live with being this broken
    inside.
    I did well getting this far
    I have asked for help for years
    I held on to my trauma thinking I will take it somewhere
    to be healed one day.
    That day will never come
    There is no healing these children
    As above so below
    I don't want to go
    It's not an easy option
    It's the only option
     
  10. Survivor

    Survivor New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2004
    Messages:
    802
    Likes Received:
    148
    Nearly posted a secret
    But someone stopped me
    He isn't here
    He is in my head
    He doesn't want me to
    look too deeply
    he reminds me of his
    power & control
    I was forced to
    spin the web to
    scramble the direct routes
    to the memory in my head
    I am not to alert
    anyone to their approach
    I am to freeze
    play dead
    Only I need a duster NOW
    to break this web & spin it
    out.
    My body is in so much pain
    It's like a torture stress I
    am set to trigger if I think
    about release
    My body is shutting down
    it is wired to hit the ground
    before I floor anyone with the
    truth.
    land mines all around
    I'm not meant to take another
    step.
    But staying still
    Is exhausting me
    I need to jump into
    a safe house
    I do need to
    get way
    But is this a metaphorical get away
    or do I need to get away.
    How to disappear of wiki is useful
    It's also frightening.
    If you stay in the nest of vipers
    you can see where they are &
    they can keep an eye on you too
    but the both eyes are pacified by
    proximity.
    Spill, scream, let it out!
    I can't
    I will
    I don't know how
    It's not free will that lets me
    or stops me!
    It's the will of men
    who overpowered mine.
    There was no protection then
    there is none now.
    I know one whose voice is
    lost forever already
    I don't want to be the same.
    But then I do, because that's
    how they want me to feel.
    I could do their dirty work for them.
    It would have to be for me not them.
    I want the last word, not because
    I want to control others.
    But because I want control of me
    for once.
    And so the secrets are safe
    another night.
    So are the male voices I my head.
    I'm not mad
    I'm not dellusional in hearing voices.
    I'm traumatised into hearing them.
    They are real, actual, factual & have
    definitely been heard historically.
    I don't get to turn them off
    so listening to them is the next best
    pacifier for them.
    So I am an accessory in concealing
    crime but I don't do it willingly
    I do it traumatically.
    I want to spill
    I want to scream
    I want to let it out
    I want to shout, shout, shout
    Then I want to run away & disappear.
    Live with PTSD in a different place.
    When deep down I want someone
    to tell me "come with us we are checking
    you in to a place you can unravel in for as
    long as it takes & everyone will be waiting
    for you once you are done"
    Only there is no one. no place & everyone
    who relies on me wouldn't need me back if
    I let them down.
    They will be lost, along with my job, my home.
    If I had broken a leg I could, but as its my mind
    that's broken I can't.
    Lucky Humpty Dumpty!!!
     
  11. Survivor

    Survivor New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2004
    Messages:
    802
    Likes Received:
    148
    Trigger today had me curl in a
    ball
    Curling in a ball had me recall
    the flash of light that burns my
    eyes.
    The very place I used to
    hide.
    The imprinted reflection
    would not be avoided.
    Its on the inside of my eye lids
    It's on the tip of my tongue
    Its in my nightmares
    It's like a tinnitus in my soul
    It's a haunting that won't let go
    It's a fight less fight
    How I wish I could fight
    a fight would have been finished
    Bruises fade
    Cuts heal
    Burns scar
    Rape is like internal tar
    My head keeps spinning
    literally, I can't see straight
    literally, my balance has gone
    literally.
    It's has a grounding effect
    I can't get far.
    My mind journeys instead
    It's made it to 5
    at 5 years old I
    had really grown up
    i had roles that
    no one ever knew
    existed.
    Now time to switch off
    detach, this dizziness
    is no mismatch.
    No wonder my head spins
    no wonder at all
    Now leave this in this
    day & when the clock
    strikes 12 - it will never
    exist no never again.
     
  12. Survivor

    Survivor New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2004
    Messages:
    802
    Likes Received:
    148
    The wind
    makes me force a walk
    The rain
    makes me lift my head
    The cold
    makes me aware of my breath
    The storm
    makes me feel alive
    It provides me with a
    present battle
    I reason to strive
    The burning cold
    The dry soaking
    I can't feel them
    for what they are
    I feel it slap me
    kick me
    punch me
    It tells me I'm alive.
    I can't dispute
    I no recluse
    As it begs me out to play.
    The storm is a friend tonight
    You swirl the sea like
    mixing cement
    I can see it set calm after
    For now these white
    horses charge faster
    I feel a rush
    as the brewing waves
    beckon me to feel
    their stave
    A mighty force
    that smashes
    & disorientates
    Being lost in it
    is rather appealing
    grazing gravel
    water breath
    boiling, toiling,
    spoiling, in the most
    majestical way.
    I become the wave
    I become the sea
    I am free
     
    2 people like this.
  13. Survivor

    Survivor New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2004
    Messages:
    802
    Likes Received:
    148
    If I had mothered me?

    I would have noticed
    I would have seen
    I would have asked "what do you mean?"
    I would have confronted more than with whom I joked
    I would have left him, the minute he made you choke
    I would have stood between him & thee
    I wouldn't have let him threaten me
    I would have listened to your needs
    I wouldn't have left you with those & these
    I would have asked questions of the medical profession
    I would have listened to what you ailments where saying
    I wouldn't have treated you like an adult at 5
    I would have let you be a child who shared her worries
    I wouldn't have given you mine
    I would have taken you straight to the police
    I wouldn't have slept or found any peace
    I wouldn't of told you about the criminal acts
    I would have got help for myself
    I would have believed you
    I would have confronted each one who wronged you
    I wouldn't care about what I lost
    I would have held you when you where broken
    I wouldn't have let you get re-broken again & again
    I would have spoken, spoken, spoken
    I would have found out what it was all called
    I would have learnt what love was not
    I would have come to you when you cried
    I wouldn't have put you to sleep
    I would have taken you to the dr
    I wouldn't have hidden what I had seen
    I would have let you watch normal tv
    I wouldn't have let you watch the X rated life you had to endure
    I would have been responsible for keeping you safe
    I wouldn't let you dread the nights & think that by morning I'd died
    I would have taken off the tape that stopped you from seeing
    I would have taken your advice to call 999
    I wouldn't have stopped you from raising the alarm
    I would have seen you as my child & not as my minder
    I wouldn't have let you sacrifice your life for your brother
    I wouldn't have sent you into dangerous places to rescue your brother
    I would have realised you had a life of your own
    I would have known you where not ok
    I would have noticed the bruises
    I wouldn't have allowed anyone the threaten you so much
    I would have stopped him shake you up side down
    I would have taken his belt so he couldn't take it to you
    I wouldn't let him come into you room
    I wouldn't let him lift you or pretend it was play
    I would have taken you away
    I would have seen the writing on the wall
    I would have questioned the exploritories you needed
    I wouldn't have been deaf to the findings
    I wouldn't have been so much the victim I couldn't protect you
    I wouldn't have thought you going off with anyone was normal at 3
    I would have known when you run away why you didn't want to stay at theirs
    I wouldn't have cared who the truth hurt, instead of it hurting you
    I wouldn't have asked you to keep secrets
    I wouldn't share my paranoia
    I would have been a strong women so you didn't have to be one as a child
    I would have prevented SO much from happening to you!!

    If I had mothered me I wouldn't have PTSD!
     
    2 people like this.
  14. Survivor

    Survivor New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2004
    Messages:
    802
    Likes Received:
    148
    Please, please come over here
    I have found a girl full of tear
    She is cold
    She shivers & teeth chatter
    Her eyes seem lost
    I mean she doesn't seem here
    Yet she was found quite near
    The coast is ruggered
    Perhaps she's been caught
    out by the tide?
    "You ask me she is tryi no to hide"
    She says she doesn't want to go home
    She says her life is beyond repair
    She's broken like a security glass
    It shatters but still stays in one peice
    She's bruised & hurt, but she can't
    explain where?
    She has the most haunting stare
    If ever I was to meet the walking dead
    I saw it that day on the shore
    by the tide that she wishes
    had claimed her life.
    "One too many escapes to my detriment"
    She says she would be better off dead.
    She says she's been pun punched, but hasn't GP
    got a bike.
    She is stunned, shocked & wavering, perhaps she'll
    pass out.

    If I had been washed up
    If I'd slid off the pier
    If I had believed for one moment
    someone would hear.
    If my nervous system had not given up the ghost
    If my perpetrators had confessed to what hurt me the most
    If I had never gone home, had I walked to the..................
    It would have brought me an end
    When your life is doomed when it barely began
    When your full time abuser is part of your clan
    When people around you don't have any morals
    When their too hell bent on themselves & stuck
    in marital quarrels.
    Your lost
    Your dead
    You never exist
    Your story has been lost in the mix
    Only its not one story
    It continues in sequence
    The common denominator
    Is you don't speak of it
    Why should you bother
    when denial is your writ?
    Forget me, I'm finished
    in my life now I'll never fit.
    I don't want sympathy
    I don't need space
    I need to exist in a
    different place.
     
  15. Survivor

    Survivor New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2004
    Messages:
    802
    Likes Received:
    148
    I found a part of her today.
    The part of her which has been
    in my dreams for a week.
    Today I bowed my head
    and acknowledgement her fear.
    I closed my eyes & I felt her
    flinch.
    She gave my heart a sturdy
    pinch.
    I melt into her emotional mind.
    The one that could never shut
    the door in time.
    Or run away quick enough.
    That felt guilt when her nervousness
    collapsed.
    Whose mind flaked out when she
    felt that.
    Her eyes now piercing me with a tale within.
    She didn't shudder, flinch or jurk.
    Yet tears rolled down each cheek & then
    her eyes started begging me in.
    I reluctant at first want to say it doesn't matter.
    How dare I say what I know not to be true.
    I don't matter, a more accurate accusation
    Why start now?, it's a gastly occupation.
    She still in shock, rubs her eyes.
    She can't believe the she that survives.
    The then, the now, they face a void
    the space between littered with spades
    that had dug a while, but never really finished.
    This field in me has a freshly dug grave.
    It's not the first I've plenished or the last
    I've staved.
    Don't take me there, I fall right in.
    I'm dumb, I'm mute, my body won't behave
    It should be alert, hypervigilant & no it was
    It did it didn't stop them though.
    Then neither did the fight of flight, a response
    no use when neither are possible.
    Instead I slide into a rag doll pose
    I didn't choose or make into a response.
    My sheer fright turned out the light that
    connected me to that act.
    Lights out there is nobody home
    Now stop, I'm skeleton & bone.
    Only she is here, her eyes wide shut
    Her arms are bound
    Her legs are tough
    Her other places feel like open spaces
    that are baron & exposed.
    She numbs
    She cracks
    She's all hashed
    Her self has been locked away
    Now just let her sail away.
    She needs to go to another shore
    The one that holds the key
    The lock inside her has been glued
    up. She needs to set it free & then
    use that key!
    The one around your neck
    Pressed against you throat
    NO don't open it all my insides
    will fall out
    I'm better off locked up in here
    I know the feeling well
    Don't tempt me with release
    These images will never cease
    She's in there quick this part is
    fading she can't hold on forever
    54321
    She's going for a run
    off the top, by the hill & then
    into the oil spill
     
  16. Survivor

    Survivor New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2004
    Messages:
    802
    Likes Received:
    148
    Falling, falling, wide awake
    think it's my soul they'll take
    Pinch me, prod me
    what day is it?
    Reflex stance I'm out of bed
    I'm standing in another room
    instead
    This place doesn't feel real
    my head is pounding
    I'm not in the mirror
    I don't know who I am
    I'm remembering
    connecting
    I don't want to any more
    You call this healing
    I call it a chore
    An uphill struggle on wheels
    about to roll back
    I'm not going to just
    be able to hit the sack
    whose there?
    what's that?
    am I alive or
    am I dreaming
    I'm awake
    For goodness sake
    give me a break!!!!
     
  17. Survivor

    Survivor New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2004
    Messages:
    802
    Likes Received:
    148
    Conveyor through my mind
    Why are you so unkind
    Slayer of my freedom
    Vanquisher of my female form
    Exorcise my trauma
    Expel my self hatred seed
    Let no more hope run so wild
    It's cut down like a weed.
    Turn off the clock of life
    Let the hands be stilled
    Wipe my mainframe brain
    let me start again
    There's sacrifices I
    must make that
    will kill the mocking bird!
    it's not the violent act
    that destroys this metaphor
    It's the pressure of a
    unmendedable mind
    that keeps asking me
    to do more!
     
    #477 Survivor, Mar 10, 2017
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 10, 2017
  18. Survivor

    Survivor New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2004
    Messages:
    802
    Likes Received:
    148
    A frenzied scramble
    of scenes flash by.
    they don't care
    if repeatedly they
    mash my brain
    with very little to spare.
    Screeching brakes are
    not heard here.
    The gradient down
    hill is too severe.
    This horn doesn't work
    no one knows I am
    free rolling out of control
    a crash inevitable the
    vehicle invisible
    What has driven me to
    a wreckage
    The acts of those without
    a measure
    as simple to them as
    lighting a match
    they don't see the
    virginity fuse that
    blows away a chance
    of biological treasure
    My body was used like
    a slot machine
    they hit a jackpot &
    I was robbed of a
    commodity ME
    my fight still is a
    false believe that I
    can find a place to
    begin
    There's no new beginning
    When there is no end
    and so this is when my
    mind plays tricks on me
    It sows me an end that
    won't set me free
    because I am bound
    to these men for eternity
    I can't handle the thought
    of this
    I can't handle the pain of
    that.
    Mercy cried a haunting echo
    this action energy in me
    is winding up
    I've found a method
    I've got a back up
    I know what temperature
    is hot enough
    I won't fail
    I only get one chance
    I'm surer than sure
    Only I know
    What measure is top
    when it comes to it
    I'll control the pop
    You don't see the corn
    once it's pop corn
    you don't see the
    caterpillar once it's
    a butterfly
    No one saw me
    No one will
    The 3 wise monkeys
    live on
    I saw, heard & spoke
    for what, I'm broke!
     
  19. Survivor

    Survivor New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2004
    Messages:
    802
    Likes Received:
    148
    I'm running out of time
    I'm falling all the time
    I close my eyes only to be
    bolt upright out of my sleep.
    i'm not complaining here
    It is what it is!
    I can't change it
    I am trying to ease it
    I've researched yoga
    to draw me into my body
    only problem is I don't
    want to be in it.
    BUT while out of it
    I become more detached.
    So I braved consulting
    a teacher to explain my
    biggest fear
    That while there in
    a class I am triggered
    I can't stop them coming on
    but I can make her aware
    My PTSD is not epilepsy
    but it is an attack that renders
    me disconneted with my
    environment.
    At least she will know
    I have to try something
    to ease this disjointed existence
    I'm scared you see
    It's getting worse
    so I detach to defend myself
    Only this is exactly what I am
    trying to avoid & resolve
    Only my today, yesterday
    & tomorow are petrifying me
    every day

    Even posting here
    makes me feel anxious
    that I can't contain this all
    on my head
    I tried leaving it
    I emailed myself instead
    Only that's not out of me
    not really
    I get it back in my inbox
    I read what I have written
    & it hurts me to see how close
    to the knuckle I get too
    For every word here there
    is another in my mind
    for every word here there
    is a feeling that still hides
    behind them
    feelings that won't ever find
    words to explain
    hidden torture
    no negotiators
    speaking on my behalf
    no release being sort by anyone
    but me
    Only me has given up looking
    for exits
    no masks will fall to provide me air
    no cabin crew to respond to my
    assistance requested button
    I'm my only therapeutic support
    but I can't surrender to myself
    I'm trying to integrate the part so
    Of me & my life forces me to
    ensure that boundaries are
    maintained
    Trump wall style segregation
    between my selves
    Ssccrreeaammmm
    Ttteeaarrrsss
    this is my life
    A daily grind
    a chore
    a spiral leading
    deeper down
    the rabbit hole
    I don't want these
    thoughts that step
    out of line to
    sort this out &
    take me down
    but I can't take
    any more corners
    I can't take any more bends
    Spaghetti junction in my mind
    a carcass in my bed
    Is my fate I refuse
    A case that I am
    simply finished
    Don't judge
    unless you've walked
    in my shoes
    Or been entombed
    in my head
    I'm a trauma record
    stuck in repeat
    my heart responds
    & so do my feet
    I get walking to
    get air only
    with each step I take
    I realise nothing's going
    to let this all out
    I'm cringing at the
    thought this
    is when I could.....
    nothing's changing
    My hope is fading
    That I will ever be
    .
     
  20. Survivor

    Survivor New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2004
    Messages:
    802
    Likes Received:
    148
    Nightmare calling
    reversing charges
    operator 100
    Do you accept the charges?
    Don't put it through, NO
    Receiver down the
    phone lines still high
    wired they keep calling
    you.
    Laughter haunting
    denial taunting
    they have pictures
    they paint of you
    your moved
    dead weight
    you never wake
    your floating out
    to sea
    Cool breeze
    relieve
    stone cold
    can't breath
    I can't sink
    I'm done floating
    I'm awake
    I'm awake
    Dread
    panic
    Make me mechanic
    I'm no longer flesh
    Pain stripped me to
    the bone
    Phone
    Phone
    Phone
    Operator what's the
    number?
    No, no, no
     
    2 people like this.

Share This Page

This site uses XenWord.