Healthypages

Internal landscapes - External reality

Discussion in 'Mental & Emotional' started by Survivor, May 25, 2019.

  1. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    No time, space or therapy has protected me from myself today.
    Catatonic collapse, my energy ceases.
    I have nothing to lift me up & everything is
    pulling me down.
    My nervous system is putting on the brakes,
    while I need to be in 5th gear.
     
  2. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    The tree is tall
    beneath it I am small
    The drip line tightens
    Their creepers frighten.
    They are rummaging
    through my mind.
    Worse their activity
    is like a misplaced hive.
    The stings are daily
    Swarming around my
    loved ones.
    This timing has me confined.
    How can I speak of these border
    pieces when the jigsaw is inside
    My body holds memory
    Only some shards cut me up
    into a divide.
    To show the big picture
    would mean I’d have to
    die.
    Better to leave mystery
    than have to disappear
    knowing I would never
    see my loved ones and
    the ones I hold dear.
    HP hold me in case I
    can’t return
    Don’t think me down
    or lost, instead
    Know that I am safe
    know that I am free
    Know that I tried everything
    except my final stand
    from proceedings.
    As my 15 year old self is banned.
    Disappointment in her having needs
    especially right now
    Means she is stubborn beyond belief
    She’s deciding how she is released.
     
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  3. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Gingers bedroom was a kennel in the garden by the wall
    Where he often lay a dozing .waiting for his friend to call.
    Call on me
    Call on me
    Call on me
     
  4. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Landscape inside
    why are you so wide?
    Because I have always been by your side
    Landscape inside
    why are you so vast?
    Because I have always recorded your past
    Landscape inside
    Why are you so kind?
    Because I have always been soothing your mind
    Landscape inside
    When will you set me free?
    Now dear that is not a question for me
    Landscape inside
    When will you stop remembering me?
    When you are no longer able to see
    Landscape inside
    Will you provide me with glasses?
    I’ll try optimism rather that be an optician
    By the way I have a terminal condition
    Landscape inside
    Are you lost in your scars?
    Now dear you must know I am made like the stars
    Landscape inside
    Will we lay down together?
    Yes dear we will for ever & ever
     
  5. mac

    mac Active Member

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    Now that HP is so very different from my earlier times here when I was a regular contributor I had to scan back to mid 2006 to find out who you are and what your story is. :(

    Your verse is remarkable. Does writing help you?
     
  6. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Hi Mac,

    HP is an anchor for me to tether too.
    The words are coded, like the parts of me that can never speak.
    I use words to help them parts sleep.
    I sometimes share their inner fears.
    Sometimes it is a present threat that
    takes courage & leaves parts of the
    ring here In case it is never exposed.
    To be honest, it’s what is not said
    that haunts me.
    I’ve learnt of late that once broken
    others can live in the gap between
    the shards of me.
    People I tolerate, forgive, care for
    no matter what they have done or
    do to me,
    The thing is I’m beginning to think
    they are the glue that holds me
    together & another time, I dare to
    see they may be the ones holding
    me in the haunting I dare not see.
    They are connected.
    Listen to it when I try to explain
    It sounds mad
    It sounds like I’m mad
    The hardest part is feeling
    like the earthquake about to
    happen is all my fault.
    To be honest Mac
    there is a big part of me
    here, hoping someone
    someday will see everything
    I’ve seen, felt, heard, the
    terror that goes with it &
    then I think I would never be
    so cruel as to let them.
    And so I go back to trauma
    tornado’s that I dress up
    as full color glossing overs.
    Other times the nightmares
    are so close I throw them
    into here.
    Type & delete
    Score in the sand & let
    the sea take my words.
    Other days I want to
    wade so deep into the
    actual sea, I never have
    to see the shore again!
    Then I offend the onlooker
    who needs me to bury
    myself & always look
    on the bright side of life.
    You wouldn’t believe how much of
    my self I need to bury to stay alive.
    Anyway thanks for the
    question.
     
  7. mac

    mac Active Member

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    I am struggling to find a suitable response to what you've said. Is there anything in life you enjoy?
     
  8. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    It’s not your responsibility to find what to say Mac.
    I am the only person responsible for me.
    In answer to your question:-
    Is there anything in life I enjoy?
    Yes tons of things!
    Kayaking
    Swimming
    Saunas & steam rooms
    Cycling up & free wheeling down a hill
    Fishing
    Walking cliff paths
    Lying on the beach with the summer sun on my face
    Walking through leaves in winter
    Painting
    Drawing
    Writing poems
    Knitting
    Crochet
    Photography
    Weddings
    Nativity plays
    Volunteering
    Singing
    Song writing
    Studying
    Fostering
    Soothing others
    Wood burning fires
    Toasting chestnuts & marshmallows
    Cuddling my grandchildren
    Cleaning the house
    Fresh sheets after a bath
    Cozy socks
    Learning any craft
    Permaculture
    Homemaking
    Christmas baking
    Walking in the woods
    Planning on the spur trips away
    Going to concerts
    Flying
    Sailing
    The thing is I have an amazing life
    It’s just for everything listed above
    I do it with trauma pulling at my nervous system
    When I’m in flight panic grips to the point of imminent extinction.
    In a sauna I freeze when someone else walks in.
    My cleaning the house can become bleaching & never feeling clean enough.
    I cuddle my grandchildren & wonder if I will see them grow?
    In a concert the noise eventually paralyses me, as does the crowd, but I go to hear the music that has seen me through so much.
    I sing till I cry & draw till I see the pain erupt on the page.
    It’s not about being down or wanting to end it all.
    It’s about dancing with the devil, that threatens to stop me dancing.
    Sometimes catatonic I can’t stand, but most of the time. I am stoic & sturdy, until I literally snap.
    Physically that is through hyper mobility & pain dissociation.
    I don’t feel & then I am the pain,
     
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  9. mac

    mac Active Member

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    I don't - and didn't - feel any responsibility but when I interact online with someone I do it out of of interest and out of concern, hence my uncertainty about what to say in response.

    I am very relieved to learn your life isn't as bleak as your verse is and your reply to my question has enabled me to understand just a little.

    Thank you for explaining. :)
     
  10. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Sorry if you were offended by my owning
    my thread content.
    Interest is fine, concern is not.
    I would hate anyone to read this thread
    without knowing I am responsible for
    me.

    Every verse is true
    The verse is about the trauma
    that permeates any of the
    life I work hard to have.
    I’m showing how those
    who walk among us
    could seem like they are
    on top of the world
    & yet could be further
    to the edge than the
    stereotyped visibly
    down, depressed
    & suicidal.
    Take Robin Williams
    for instance.

    Your response is interesting
    “I am relieved to learn your life
    is not as bleak as your verse is.

    This response demonstrates exactly how
    everyone sees me face to face &
    their relief that all sounds well,
    It shows how blind one can be
    to the whole content of this
    thread & my inner landscape is still not
    seen, heard, accepted.
    And the reason I will never
    tell my story.
    If the damage can’t be seen
    then how is anyone going to
    believe what caused it.

    It’s amazing how adaptation
    & resilience to some extent
    makes me far more vulnerable
    & isolated.

    This has helped me to understand
    How washing up on the shore
    would help.
    Because then someone will see
    the effects & why my lipstick
    is so important because it’s
    red tones will still be intact.

    Thanks for passing through
    & helping me explain how
    some of us are Marilyn
    Monroe.
    Looking all singing & dancing.
    And then a Wikipedia
    August 4, 1962.

    Mac
    It’s hard to write empathically
    to you when I am trying to
    exert my truth, so Incase it
    doesn’t sound friendly
    my apologies
    &
    Thanks again
     
    #30 Survivor, Oct 24, 2019
    Last edited: Oct 24, 2019
  11. mac

    mac Active Member

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    You appear prickly about what you term your thread content. Has that been an issue some time in the past? I wasn't offended by anything but I very much hope you didn't somehow gain that impression.

    I'm sorry you were offended by my having concern but you can't proscribe it. My emotions are mine just as yours are yours. It's what make individuals individual....

    You didn't need to say every verse is true. Had I implied they weren't?

    It seemed likely to me, based on what you've been writing, that you're far from being on top of the world. I had already looked back to the early part of the thread for background and didn't see you as a stereotype anything. I hope you didn't think I did?

    Your retort to my expression of relief that your life is not as bleak as your verse was snippy. I had 'spoken' with sincerity.

    There was no need for you to write empathetically towards me but neither do I feel I gave you grounds to reject me. Is that what you mean when you said "exert your truth" - hurting others because you've been hurt?
     
  12. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Oh dear in an attempt to expose myself to an interested party, I seem to have walked straight into a backlash that I will end right here.

    Nothing i am trying to say is coming across as I intend.
    I would never hurt others because i’ve been hurt & find the suggestion highly offensive.

    I think you’ve got caught up in the only place I can express myself & like the 24th March 2019 on my first thread. I will not contain myself here again.

    I lasted 7 months here HP & it is fitting on this anniversary I call it a day.

    Thank you Energlz for extending my space this long.
    If only I could share what I face ahead of me.
    But I have exposed too much here already.

    “My clipped wings can’t fly but my consciousness can soar”

    Doesn’t fit here either

    So I will provide my parting comment

    “As a trauma mortal that walks dead, I am humbled by what I never said. Alice “it’s impossible, Energlyz “Only if you think it is”


    Love, light & reiki hugs x
     
  13. mac

    mac Active Member

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    I tried to meet with you on your terms but effectively you rejected my approach.

    You had done nothing to 'expose' yourself to me but I had asked you nothing to encourage exposure anyway.

    I wish for you only the best.
     
  14. Energylz

    Energylz Moody-rator ©
    Staff Member

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    The difficulty with the written word is that we cannot express the intonations or emotions easily. People read the words and wrap it with their own pre-conceived understanding, almost imparting their own life view on it.

    Survivors words will mean different things to different people, but mostly they mean something to herself.

    Mac, you've done nothing wrong in enquiring about Survivor and what she writes. The words, just taken as verse, are often very powerful, yet they certainly have a deeper meaning than any of us here could possibly comprehend.

    Survivor, I think Mac was just curious to know more about you, perhaps to try and understand what inspires your verse and whether you find it healing. You weren't offending Mac, and Mac was not intending any offence towards yourself.

    HP provides you a platform for expression, and you have used it well.

    All Love and Reiki Hugs
    G.
     
  15. mac

    mac Active Member

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    thanks, G - You've said it just as I intended it. I did appreciate some of why she wrote the way she wrote but was unconfident about how to respond. I had looked back to try to help me understand. I knew I was walking on egg-shells but sometimes we can not avoid that.

    The written word is all we have when we use online forums and I try not to stray too far from what folk write. Sometimes those words conceal more than they reveal, either by intent or by accident. I wanted to see if I could better understand the depth of the very moving verse and maybe reach the person behind; I failed. It happens.....:(
     

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