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Internal landscapes - External reality

Discussion in 'Mental & Emotional' started by Survivor, May 25, 2019.

  1. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    The terrain inside me described
    “Keep out”
    The fabric of external reality around me described
    “Heaven sent”
    Which one is?
    Alpha
    Omega
    Two worlds beside
    One that is fed up of being trapped inside
    One that is free to reach out to life
    Both are living on a knife
    And then beyond the relinquished emotional tide
    A salient realization is made
    My inside & outside are poles apart
    Yet both have access to a caring heart
    My existence forges two unlikely halves
    I’m no longer living a life in parts
    I’m north, east, south & west
    I’m knees, toes, head & chest
    Forgive me now as I take a rest
    This journey is sweeping me off my feet
    and yet all the parts of me I get to keep!
     
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  2. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Cathedrals, chapels, ruins & graves
    All internal landscapes inside this human nave.
    Spiral stairs, straight ones too.
    Made with cold stone that have been carved
    into ravines for emotions to dwell
    Some still so deep, they are labeled don’t tell..
    Building bridges has been my permanent chore.
    And then when I cast my hope forward, I look down & see a reflection that hits me to my core.
    With nails & actions, I can batten down my
    internal floor.
    Basement bound with tape, not from officials, rather from my living dead.
    Some footprints give my heart an attack
    of fear rather than cardiac.
    Some deadly diseases are best left frozen
    in time & intact.
    Only my insides are burning up & these
    corpse are beginning to smell.
    The last autopsy report said “If only they
    could tell”.
    I’m here & my tongue is burdened with
    words. That once spoken will open my
    internal flood gate.
    Hush now & hold ammonia to your nose,
    these corpses need to be left to decompose.
     
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  3. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Cast forth the truth upon the current plain
    It is with desperation I need to explain
    I’m stuck not in the torture or pain
    I’m stuck in the reality again & again.
    Cast forth my freedom into a forthcoming day
    When I may wake without a mind full of thunderous scum.
    Dreaming of a less burdened mind, is as useful as a crumbling spine.
    It won’t stand in my life time, as acceptance at midnight again does chime.
    Outward sparkles an endless wonder, to serve those who for love they hunger.
    I’m but passing through, surviving on the image of a different shoe.
    To step upon a hallow ground & learn my sentence is dumbfound.
    Oh to walk with free foot & mouth.
    I settle for a breath in lung & accept my life still musters fun.
    Yet in the well of tormented emotional seas, I sink more than swim & practice light yet in energy end up more dim
     
  4. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    The stillness tormented me
    agitates & bakes me
    Inside I am not still!
    The silence frightens me
    with out sound I can’t tell what lurks
    Inside I am not silent!
    Combined stillness & silence
    have me believe annihilation
    has obliterated everything,
    everyone & all of me.
    Inside I often feel annihilated
    There was no end, in fact after
    silence came joint forces
    to obliterate me.
    I was silent & still
    because some kill
    and I’m still walking
    Internal & external landscapes
    are still miles apart
    Just like the rapid change
    of the beat in my heart
    Roller coaster living with
    no fun fair in sight
    I’m screaming let me off
    yet holding on tight
    if only I don’t have to
    face my fears again
    tonight
    Sleep is neither external
    or internal, it’s a place
    In between
    Where battles are waged
    resisted & fought
    if only I didn’t have so
    much to sort.
     
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  5. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    From in this tomb I draw my knees
    and turn although in an awkward squeeze
    I raise and stand with all my being
    My beating heart tells me it’s for living
    Hyper vigilant, anxious too, I know who
    knows the enormity of seeing this through.
    No wonder my silence was so pronounced
    while I had yet to process the life that came
    unannounced.
    I saw, I heard, I felt I died
    Where else, but in a tomb would I hide.
    I am the walking dead & you can’t kill what’s already said.
    I’ve chapters that are encrypted
    Volumes that have an unfathomable code
    I’m in every step I walk & every word I speak.
    And I’m not in the secret others wish I would keep.
     
  6. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Time to say goodbye
    As my inside life flies away
    Though the shell that is left
    Leaves nothing to perplex
    Time to bow out gently
    Take n action quite contrary
    Lay me down on pastures new
    Leave my body leave my body
    Cut me down or steak me up
    I am not of you
    Bury me deep, don’t shallow my
    grave
    Leave my wake to be of a watering hole
    Where many feed & leave forlorn
    I bow to thee of faith & wisdom
    I quench my thirst on equilibrium
    But when living is too heavy
    In here is a mutant thread
    Designed to survive but is
    more content dead
    Leave my body
    I am all said
     
  7. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    I’m not going to die with my music still in me!
    Despite my words, I have not sung yet.
    And when I do it will be on the tallest mountain
    & resonate with the deepest sea.
    I’m getting ready for the birth of me!
     
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  8. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Who’d of thought?
    I should have!
    When friendly fire is not for fun
    Rather hoped, no pray, no begged
    That you would not raise your threatening head
    Your not alone there are many
    Who needs a tropical storm, when they are not yet steady.
    When no Colours match your flag at all
    You know your waging a one women war
    Only I can’t fight & I can’t pretend, my defenses
    have their resignations penned.
    I have no white flag, it’s stained in blood
    I can’t down arms when I have none.
    Where does the prey go to sleep
    When they have been running with 3 decades of truth.
    It’s ok I have my lipstick on
    A little bit of me that fakes being ok.
    Go ahead steal my words
    but they didn’t come from the life you’ve led.
    Sadly these are not a literacy stake.
    They are the remnants of my life for god sake!
    You think this is about the past? when I live with wolves that
    like to see me dance.
    They don’t allow a new day, they are only interested in playing with their prey.
    You can’t heal if your under constant fire.
    Your only hope is a hit man for hire.
    But that won’t buy me freedom, ever.
    Which way does my life pull? clockwise or anti?
    either way I’m heading down the plug hole.
    My song is an Honour cry, only problem is my throats bone dry. So finger points & words come here,
    They are selfishly mine, selfishly stored, so I may unclutter my mind, in the hope one day I may wake up clear.
     
  9. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    She heard the silence scream
    She saw the stillness swirl
    She lost that girl
     
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  10. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Eyes wide shut
    Heart rate cut
    Turned inside out
    No sound when I shout
    If the ground rises up
    While my strength washes out
    There are steps that are carved
    A fate that is charged
    This ring is more like a copper
    coil
    It is forcing my memory to boil
    To die me, wire me, send me insane
    What I need to let go, is like a month
    of rain.
    Each drop connecting to,a conscious
    stream. Only I can’t speak of its depth
    or breadth.
    I’d have to explain the trickle, the
    constant flow, the threat of the torpedo.
    2000 leagues under the sea, only
    I’m not in a sci fi movie.
    My story is diving as deep as can
    be, there is no resurfacing for me.
    When you don’t trust those that wait
    on the surface, you’d rather be in Lead
    Boots than telescope up.
    My mouth I promise will
    remain shut.
     
  11. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    As I contemplated
    I was saddened
    Options had run dry
    To live the truth
    Means do or die
    Only doing well
    No comment
    Suspense is no
    my leaving word
    Reality rather
    cooks the bird
     
  12. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Some may see gobbledygook
    for me it is my mind map
    When you navigate through life alone
    for fear has you trust no one
    I need to keep a record public but private
    as I keep private what I can’t say public

    And so the lunar times are shifting
    No longer am I protected by time
    My promise to myself draws closer
    I feel saddened that it has come to this
    If only someone listened
    If only they had taken the time
    Instead they shared their concerns
    Their feelings, their duty needs.
    Deleting facts, splitting off connections
    minimizing acts so indecent.
    For once in my life I had begun to
    trust someone would hear me.
    Now I don’t know who knows what
    Who holds the whole of me in mind?
    No one!
    No one will, not even me, it’s too big for me
    to.
    So I am still here, hooray 15 years &
    this time of year.
    Dr who screw driver, Tardis too
    let me lend both of you
    Then I wouldn’t need permanent ink
    when pencil will do
    If I write in sharpies i’d Need a few
    Thank good I’ve been able to statement
    a few
     
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  13. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    These posts are like seeing only a slither of moon
    Like a celebrations tin with only one flavor
    Like an invite without a venue
    Like a restaurant without a menu
    Like a lock without a combination
    Like a beat without a heart
    Like a tear without salt
    Ingredients missing
    Recipes that have no title
    Believe me I know
    this is like my life with PTSD
     
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  14. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Tia in the cremation of another
    That ones mortality pertains
    To fossil like aches & pains
    Oh how annoying
    The god forsaking gnawing
    With purple rain so adorning
    Pray tell an end a warning
    As trauma feels like a disease
    Consumption of a different yearning
    How sinful is the desire
    To have ones life expire
    When in reality you hope it will begin
    But it did & look what happened
    How pray tell am I back where
    I begin?
     
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  15. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Those that insist
    Deprive me of resist
    Those who insist
    Place handcuffs on my wrists
    Those insisting
    are not really listening
    Those make me
    froze
     
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  16. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    The system crank
    bring forth the vice
    Ain’t no one giving me advice
    Demands however are absolute
    Feeling like I’m on the end of those who shoot
    Your procedure makes me amnesia
    And you expect me to recall
    To expose & shame & unravel, I’m not sure you appreciate.
    There are many waiting at the abuser gate.
    You think I’m done, you think this is it
    Hell doesn’t release me from its clustered threat
    Did you know I’m about to get a calling
    One word & I disintegrate.
    stop now turn away
    I’ll never make it to that day
    A revolver pointed at my throat
    A weapon designed to destroy my fright
     
  17. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    And so 8n al” that is
    There is all that is not acknowledged
    And in that which is not said
    there are disclosures that are encouraged for be buried
    And in the during of all that was
    Is all that is still killing me
    And all in all there is no way
    That I can take on their:might again
    For I am but small & not so tall
    And rather younger
    And yet all that you see is middle aged
    Female Cary on’r
    Gall now my pride, advance to shame
    I won’t be able to do the same
    I’m rather prepared
    Rather ready
    To take step in a hurry
    To break free
    To just be
    In a realm that can’t hurt me
    And outside I will look fine
    Rather sprightly & well groomed
    While inside I am still battered & bruised
    Did I not speak of the violence
    You can’t break in without breaking
    and so it is, is like it always was
    Two agains one & me against untold you
     
  18. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    I don’t read back
    I’m not an editor
    I Capture here what ever my mind steers
    Free to say, free to stay
    I’m gifted by HP
    What if no one made this site
    What if the moderators didn’t dedicate their life
    My fear of new formats disappeared the day
    I accepted the new appeared.
    Explanations wear thin
    When most of my posts are dug in
    Grief, trauma, pain & more
    Memories in a nervous system soar.
    Tonight I don’t rest assured
    I’m rather be forever cured
    But this is an impossibility
    While others refuse to take responsibility
    My life remains owned by the improperty
     
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  19. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    Crisis inner.& outer worlds collide
    Fear & panic override
    I’m shutting down
    I’m loosing faith
    I don’t feel like a part
    of this human race
    Frozen when I want to move
    Mute when I want to speak
    I need a break from breathing
    self doubt tsunami
    confirmed by force
    everything surrounds me
    & I’m watching the tide
    I won’t get stranded
    This time i’ll dive
    The water will rebirth me
    on the other side
     
  20. Survivor

    Survivor Well-Known Member

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    I’m sinking
    possibly shrinking
    I’m over sharing
    Spilling scarring
    my little self.
    I’m leaking
    I’m not sleeping
    My heart is leaping
    I’m being washed away
    Everyone seems so big
    I’m loosing a grip
     

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