Rape Forgiving??????????????

Discussion in 'Mental & Emotional' started by Survivor, Nov 15, 2004.

  1. Survivor

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    Nov 15, 2004
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    I couldn't tell you
    I couldn't say
    I don't think you
    would have ever heard
    of such vulgarity
    happening to me.
    I wasn't there most of the time
    My body reacting, like I was dying
    or running out of time.
    They didn't ask
    They didn't say
    They didn't care any way
    Why ask where they could take
    Why ask when even if I want to reply
    I couldn't.
    It hurt so bad
    and you know how I
    can redirect pain
    well this time I was
    crushed by shock & by shame.
    I felt all the pain.
    Since then I would never be the same.
    I'm not surprised I didn't go insane.
    To hide a fact so big & raw.
    I couldn't protect what they tore.
    I was broken
    To some extent I still am.
    I question why me?
    I question how many?
    I don't know answers
    about my own body.
    A break in that death
    should have evicted them.
    I'm holding out
    I'm holding on
    I wasn't your daughter
    when they made me their's
    I silently held on too
    the strands of life that
    brought me home.
    I'm still lost
    because I didn't tell.
    But then I protected you.
    Now I am living in PTSD hell.
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  2. Survivor

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    Nov 15, 2004
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    No one awake to ground my soul
    No one to tell me it's ok
    PTSD iscolates me
    Early hours of the morning
    It ridicules me
    Again I see what I don't ever want to see
    Sleep doesn't follow after these atrocities
    wide awake with panic in my eyes
    I'm tired, I'm scared, I'm alone in my head
    while others are comforted by their bed
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  3. Survivor

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    Nov 15, 2004
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    A strangers life takes an unexpected turn for the worse
    My life held in the balance for 29 years
    Their off course collides with me
    Like a head on collision I am shocked, stunned & stopped
    in my tracks.
    There never was balance
    There will never be balance
    The precious cargo carried in my mind
    spills everywhere & an onlooker says
    "It's what you wanted, isn't it?"
    It's not all spilt I hold on tight to images
    at first I thought I would offload.
    My minds made up, its safer they never
    see the light.
    Complex webs will remain in my head.
    The words on the tip of my tongue are
    words now considered dead.
    I placed false faith, that someone would
    unburden my ladened head.
    See the web & unraveled its secrets.
    But it's mind blowing & best left unsaid.
    Or have I fell into a lions den & fear the
    roar that fills me with dread.
    Is it them who plant these seeds of doubt
    that I'll never trust someone enough to
    let it all out?
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  4. Energylz

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    Apr 30, 2004
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    I think you could find someone to get it out and help... it's just finding the right someone, and (as I'm sure many of us know) that usually involves finding many wrong someone's to get there first; which can leave us exasperated and without hope.
    There is always hope though... and if you can't see the wood for the trees, remember there are trees and you can see.... I read that once from someone very wise. ;)
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  5. Survivor

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    Nov 15, 2004
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    Thanks Giles!
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  6. Survivor

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    Nov 15, 2004
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    Dear HP,

    Without thee!
    I would not be a me
    this place doesn't ignore me
    It doesn't worry about me spilling
    It rather contains the overflow
    from my mind 24/7 365.
    Thank you
    Some may think I litter this thread
    with the pictures from in my head.
    Some may think I'm going around & around.
    With PTSD I go over & over always hopeful
    to one day make it to a summit & decend
    into a life for me.
    Only abuse doesn't make me feel worthy of
    a life.
    Professionals make me feel like I should
    think about What, When, How or Why
    I share my feelings with them..
    Well when you get my words you get them
    raw, unsolicited, why?
    Because my life is raw & unsolicited.
    in my head are images that I will
    never share with another soul
    & why? Because said professionals
    don't get trauma, the power of the abusers,
    PTSD & they want neat, segmented, ordered
    information that fits there systems & tick boxes
    My mind is full of complex patterns of
    abuse. Laid down by complex abusers,
    with complex control over me.
    So my words I share are random
    elements of files of abuse that has been
    hard wired into my nervous system
    by abusers.
    PTSD is the replay button.
    I have one wish, that professionals
    would see that their criticism, judgement or
    blatant disregard for my words shut me into
    the torture in my head,
    My Nervous systems then plays out
    the patterns of remembering that
    still shock me from my sleep
    most nights.
    The only outlet I have is words
    The only freedom I have are words
    The only control I have are words.
    And everyone single word is accurately
    expressing how the raw unsolicited
    experience of my traumas affect me
    in the present day & every day.
    If I didn't have this outlet
    I would have disappeared
    or rather never appeared.
    For my experience of early life has
    been that I belong to others.
    My current experience has proven to me
    that I am bound to my abusers who
    not only still abuse me on repeat
    because of the PTSD.
    But they are protected by a society
    that are still not prepared to listen
    to victims of complex chronic abuse
    from multiple abusers.
    That at some point they have heard what
    they need & they have what is required from
    you to see them to fruition.
    When my inner children are back on a desert
    island that many ships have passed & some even
    landed. But none have ever rescued me &
    incase you wondered where the abusers
    are in this metaphor they have a nifty speed boat
    & they know where my island is & they can come
    on over any time they please to remind me
    that they truely are more powerful than any
    passing ship (professional) because not only
    did they abandon us there. They made us into
    a shape that will never fit in a passing ships system.
    When I look at child protection I look at the
    most unimaginable & hope to work back to a lessor
    reality. My experience has been however that with some
    cases the most unimaginable sometimes, not only
    isn't lessened, but stretch by fact beyond belief.
    I believe their beyond & I live trapped in a mind
    beyond. I'm by no means competing, I'd rather
    a simple life of abuse over a complex any day.
    No abuse is too far fetched for me.
    And so HP you are my life jacket &
    When I dare to make another escape from this
    island of abuse. You keep me afloat &
    allow me to drift out a little with my words
    daring to bridge the void between my past & the
    current day.
    You give me hope that there is land out there
    & you've stopped me from donning the cement filled boots.
    I won't appologise for any word spoken or written.
    I do appologise for how inconvenient they sometimes are.
    I have quarantined this toxic hard drive for 4 decades &
    I never want it to contaminate another soul.
    Giles, when I say I'm resided to them never seeing
    the light of day.
    It's because every glimmer of light has been blocked up.
    And so my metaphor triggers another memory of being
    deprived of light & failing to hide away from the shadows
    that blocked it.
    Finally, I'm not demanding or having a diva moment
    when stuck in trauma. I am shouting & demanding to
    be heard, so my life can be validated & my summit
    reached. So I may ascend into a life, that's all I want from
    these words.
    I just want to be in my life.
    As I know owning it entirely is never going to possible.
    It will always be owned by those who threaten to take
    it from me completely.
    Because if I ever find a professional (ship) to land &
    rescue us all, they are going to wanna sink me &
    the ship. Maybe that's a bother reason professionals
    (Ships) find themselves saying "oh I have to stop you there,
    I need to consentrate on....."
    HP you've never run from my complexity.
    You've never shied away from my truth.
    You don't ask to see a part of me & then
    think I'm mad.
    You know I'm damaged, you know I'm often stuck.
    But I just wanted you to know that because of you
    I'm going to keep setting off flares (express my trauma)
    & I'm still going to swim out a little further.
    And maybe in writing this I need to write a message in a
    bottle as assurance that if I am ever lost at sea
    or my perpetrators get sink me. Someone will know
    my life in its entirety.
    Thanks you HP, without thee.
    I would be lost at sea

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  7. Survivor

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    Nov 15, 2004
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    On the bright side my psychology appointment went well!

    Although after a 5 month wait the outcome
    was to be put on another waiting list
    & a book recommendation.

    So the limbo continues.....
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  8. Survivor

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    Nov 15, 2004
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    I ordered the book!
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