Rape Forgiving??????????????

Discussion in 'Mental & Emotional' started by Survivor, Nov 15, 2004.

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  1. Survivor

    Survivor
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    YOGA
    A big mistake
    as soon as I lay
    on the floor
    I can't move
    I asked myself
    Why on earth did
    you think you could
    do this now?
    Because I am trying
    to heal non verbally!
    Only I'm triggered
    straight away
    The flooring,
    The window
    The person to my
    right.
    The next thing
    I here is
    "Be present in your body now"
    I screamed inside
    I imaged where the exit
    was I never got that far.
    I'm gone from the room
    I'm in a different place
    My body feels occupied
    by 3.
    A whippet panic races
    through me.
    I feel like a rush hour
    in my chest.
    A thunderstorm in
    my head.
    Another instruction
    I remind myself of
    the date, time & place I AM in.
    I feel to agitated to cry
    I come back to the breath
    The instructors voice
    my only hope.
    I hold on to her ever word.
    She moves around the room
    Eyes closed I see her every
    move.
    My hearing is hypervigilant
    A car drives past, I have left
    the room & see the street.
    Get back to your body!
    I yell, from hell!
    Don't leave her!
    She needs you to
    pick her up & take her home
    when this is all over.
    Only I didn't want to be present
    with the triggers.
    Yet again the instructors voice
    breaks through the cross fire
    of images streaming through me.
    Then I couldnt tolerate my finger tips
    Like a chalk board scratch
    Then the feeling creeps through
    my body to match.
    Snap I feel my feet touch my
    mat.
    How on earth did I do that.
    I can't get a grip of where I am
    I dare not open my eyes.
    The light turns on & I am shot
    With memory pain, I see more
    & more again.
    I don't want these shards to
    be true. I hear my mind say
    "There coming for you!"
    I fe l like I am in an re-enactment
    only I came to a yoga class.
    I didn't pay for this.
    "Rest in your body"
    The instructor said.
    I resist, my pelvic somersaults
    I want to be transported out of here
    I loose time
    "wiggle your toes"
    It's over, get up!
    Don't come back here!
    I can't ignore my body it holds the score!
    How will I get better if I try to resist a mind
    & a body that are lost in the obis?

    Being present is SO difficult
    I check out at a pulse in my foot
    Makes me feel trapped
    dirty & no good!
     
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  2. Survivor

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    Jigsaw peices
    found under a rug
    strangest feeling
    crawl over me.
    Like a psychedelic slug.
    I'm in a childhood,
    story that has a baited
    hook.
    I know who holds
    the rod.
    The one I held you
    on a pedestal.
    I polished your
    self esteem.
    Its ok!
    I didn't have anything
    go wrong.
    I had a perfect
    childhood.
    I never saw, I never
    heard,
    BUT I never felt right.
    Candy striped flanelette
    sheets, don't you touch my
    skin.
    I scramble into
    repeat, an ever lasting spin.
    The torch light stopped me
    feeling.
    The nursery rhyme on my
    pillow took my eyes to a
    spiders web.
    My finger nail scrapped
    A face out of a bedside
    space.
    I'm melting
    I'm in shock
    Underneath
    I find a misshaped
    rock.
    Its held a secret
    since the beginning
    of time
    Only this one is mine.
    "Don't tell her"
    "It will break her"
    "She's already falling apart"
    "Her pain threshold will be tested"
    "So will the strength of her heart"
    Jigsaw pieces, super glue.
    Let's make them into suits.
    They all stack up, they all make
    sense.
    Then we have to burn the
    evidence or all hell will come for you.
    I catch a boat in the morning!
    Why destroy your truth?
    If I make it real
    it gets to keep me
    forever!
    If I destroy it, I stop it
    destroying me.
    It's going over board
    It's going in the sea.
    Sabotage & set them free?
    What or who is in control
    of me.
    Coming ready or not!
    Let's play hide & seek.
    I won't hide, I can't seek
    I instead choose not to speak.
    You can't make me unpick
    these stitches, they hold in all
    my pain.
    The festering of all my shame.
    I come to bid a farewell.
    To the thorn in my side.
    To the seabed in my mind
    tomorrow I will sink a secret.
    A practise run.
    I'm frightened that this stage
    has begun.
    It seems to defeat the object
    of living.
    So does this fright.
    I only get one chance at this
    failing is not an option.
    What do you say,
    When your going alway?
    Don't bring this up again.
    I'm not the peice of jigsaw
    that is found straight away.
    I am an anomaly.
    The one that cracks the code.
    I just wish I could crack me?
     
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  3. Survivor

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    An illness wrecked
    an ill thought plan
    My body can't deny
    it's tortured span
    decades pass
    when memories
    wish they can!
    So I lay me down
    I've run from shore
    to shore.
    I caught myself
    going coming back
    Then we lost each
    other.
    When you manage
    pain by checking out
    You relive it again & again
    Like you just about
    let it fit
    Then rip it if in an
    hysterical outburst
    You deny what
    happened to you
    first & then again
    & again.
    It's like swallowing
    but it just fails to
    finish.
    You choke, you
    grab your throat,
    your heart is in
    it.
    Then you wish you
    could just swallow
    automatic.
    Only trauma ripped
    automatic to manual
    override.
    Only manual overdrive
    doesn't know what to do.
    I didn't mean to take over
    but there where these
    two MEN!
    They chaotically
    inject, can't they
    see my heart
    bearly beat in chest
    I tried to break out of
    my terrorised state
    only a bit like waking
    mid operation, IT WAS
    TOO LATE.
    They may as well of
    amputated me there.
    I like an autopsy of the
    sexual kind, was a
    girl no more.
    So this illness
    that makes me retch
    24 hrs triggers
    the feeling I
    can't bleach them
    out of my throat.
    I don't want to
    swallow
    I don't want to
    breath
    I just want this nightmare
    to leave, leave leave.
    It won't, it can't, it's tattooed
    on my insides.
    An alien scanner would
    register me the walking dead.
    Dead from the inside Avalanche
    that suffocated me then &
    left me for dead.
    I'd rip out my eyes but
    I still have to see,
    I'd rip off my ears but
    I still hear you laugh
    exorsist only work on
    the dead. Your all alive
    & I'm praying off with her
    head.
    Her head is mine.
    Only it's not full of me it full of
    you all.
    Taking a little bit more.
    An illness triggers
    a desperate desire
    to rid my body of the
    poison that entered me
    Only to recover with
    a poison that can never be
    extracted.
    I hate it & it is in me
    polluting my being
    like an entity.
    At this point
    I'm riddled with panic
    I can't get them out
    I can't make them stop
    no out of hours dr
    on a house call
    could rid me of this
    not now or ever at all.
    Sleep well?
    no doubt you will
    my sleep is blocked by
    remembering in detail.
    I can't put two fingers
    down my throat to get
    you out.
    An illness that gives my
    PTSD pedestal to shout
    we got you forever
    bound by our act
    this anger is growing
    I can't hold it back
    but there act could never be
    fought back.
    That's the point of this
    affliction it's a trap!
     
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  4. Survivor

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    A trap
    my medication
    camt release me
    for a second night
    as my illness stops
    me consuming them
    right
    So my symptoms
    no doubt are on
    high alert
    Attack her she
    has no defence
    her body is weak
    her mind is astray
    her life force is running away.
    I'm starting to believe that
    the closer I get to the edge
    an illness sweeps me off
    my feet so I can't really move
    exhaustion & desperation
    has me near on collapse
    My action energy has
    been snapped.
    A blessing in a futile field
    she can't go overboard if she
    can't lift herself up.
    She isn't finished
    she hasn't given up
    she's just broken
    from trying to
    carry on regardless
    a state designed
    for hours, not days.
    Shall I just lay hear &
    just forget the world?
    Catatonic please
    shut me down
    before I go underground
    I'm screaming inside
    & push everyone away
    I don't want them knowing
    I'm struggling to stay
    I wouldn't wish anyone
    A night in this head.
    I just wish I could get a
    night off instead.
    Sedate me please
    it's a reasonable request
    I would if I could but I
    can't keep anything down
    an injection would be fab
    only no one knows I'm here
    in this state.
    Freezing sounds appealing
    a slow numbing brain.
    It beckons me to try it
    I try to resist
    Maybe this illness is
    tethering me down.
    Another panic rises
    & I can't bare the thought
    if somethings was coming for me
    I couldn't run away.
    Trapped again in a different way.
    When will I accept what is true
    & stop this running like it's going to
    blow up the facts. Where ever I go
    they will always exist, shame I didn't
    this realisation my brain could be fixed.
    How do I exist in this recollection of
    time, when my body was ransacked
    & my mind broken in time?
    Down the rabbit hole again
    no Alice, no wonder, just my trauma
    memory again.
    Full circle, repeat, reliving, retreat,
    won't someone wake me up
    & tell me it's all over.
    The history books a written
    my life not in vein, has become
    a fact! no one can break me again!
     
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  5. Survivor

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    I never told!
    No parents to console me
    No parents at all
    Imagine a serious assault
    No emergency services
    No folk
    No one to name it
    shame it or say It
    I became its name
    I became its shame
    I made a promise to her
    I wish I never made
    i'm paying the price for
    being its slave
    She is damaged
    beyond repair
    She makes me keep
    secrets
    She knows that I know
    She was so damaged she
    split into parts
    Parts that all hold
    an album each
    She sees them in her eyes
    Each picture of her
    hides a story
    Why did she smile?
    Why did she pose?
    "She pointed her toes"
    to point out who knows
    there are clues in the pictures
    She left bread crumbs to the truth
    She won't be hurt by another man
    She will rely in the post man
    To deliver her home
    A self addressed envelope
    to set them free.
    I should give them what they want
    Someone should come out of this free
    It won't be me,
    BUT you didn't do anything wrong.
    Why are you doing this for them?
    I'm in a prison in my head for life
    wired to recall what my mind &
    body could never control.
    It must be karma that did this to me
    if I release them at least someone is free.
    Maybe then my suffering will be over , my debt
    will be paid.
    No more torturing me.
    The secrets I hold about those
    who hurt me.
    Will clear my debt, when
    they are destroyed.
    This feels so righ
    I can finally make this better!
    I can face my biggest fear.
    No wonder I have detached
    No wonder I feel disconnected.
    This life is not real it's just a
    personal challenge.
    A finish line is before me
    I just need to break through
    the tape.
    I thought I was going to loose
    everything, now I realise it's
    all part of the sacrifice.
    I'll take the fall for my whole family
    now, prevent the from having too.
    A final offering that fits with my life.
    Protect them!
    BUT what about our truth!
    It never mattered
    It never will
    It only ever happened to you
    YOU don't exist
    you never will.
    Who cares anyway?
    No one just you!
    selfish, self centred, how dare you.
    Your no victim, I won't allow you!
    See it didn't happen if you
    where not in your body.
    Your fault for leaving.
    You never did deserve that body.
    That's why it suffered so much.
    Because you never looked after
    it so they broke it like
    the games we threw on the fire.
    Your body deserved everything it got.
    You beat it & bent it & tried
    toughing it up.
    By leaving it when pain got to much.
    It didn't toughen, it got weaker.
    Yet you still leave it
    Well when I need to avoid pain
    I don't have another way.
    I just lie real still & hope it will
    go away.
    See told you it's your fault.
    What do you expect?
    If you leave your bike outside
    someone will ride it.
    I'm sorry daddy, but I never left it
    out I promise. I had locked it away.
    They broke in & stole it & rode it away.
    They buckled it & threw it to the floor.
    Then they came back and rode it some more.
    I tried to hide it until it was fixed.
    Only that was 29 years ago & it's still broken.
    In fact it's so broken & decayed, it's fit for the dump.
    I'll take it there soon, I promise!
    I'm sorry I'm no use.
    Such a disappointment
    Such a let down
    I can't imagine how you've coped with me
    No wondered you tell me your ashamed.
    Yes I know you hate me & always have.
    It must be terrible having a daughter
    whose bike is left on the floor
    & so many have stolen it &
    rode it, till it can't be no more.
    She doesn't deserve to have any more.
    Finally I'm not stuck in metaphor.
    I'm free like scrap metal
    & so many parts are scattered
    around I'll never be found.
     
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  6. Survivor

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    A mind marathon
    A panic producer
    A labyrinth
    I'm lost in here
    I raise my flag
    No one sees the maze
    I'm what you call
    self healing ONLY
    I'm as successful as
    an armless surgeon
    performing a lobotomy
    on himself.
    It's not optional
    this task
    It's my life 24/7
    Only I don't live a
    life any more.
    It frightens me to
    say that it ended
    long ago.
    The reality is I am
    the twitch left in this
    body.
    My heart is broken.
    My dreams shattered.
    A kilo of sand wishing
    to be a rock.
    I'm washed in & out
    on this emotional tide.
    I've drowned so many times.
    I don't raise my head for air
    any more.
    It's all over
    It never begun.
    I'm grieving my self
    she has left me.
    She gave up waiting
    She's finally walked off
    When you loose yourself
    it's like your life became
    a teapot without a spout.
    The lid is welded tight.
    The handle dropped of
    in fright.
    I can't connect to myself
    any more.
    First my family
    Second the floor
    Now I can't connect with
    me anymore
    I don't know who is in the mirror
    She's dead, but breathing
    Smiling, but bleeding
    She's a professional state
    She can't make a mistake
    Who survives this
    Who lives to tell the tale
    When your dead already
    When your all but buried
    Who will take my body home?
    Theres no body, there's no home.
    There's nobody to catch this fall
    I surrender all
     
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  7. Survivor

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    Silent tears.
    A constant cry
    floating in my throat.
    Dizziness & extreme fatigue.
    This vessel is in an exhausted state.
    What words can capture the legacy of rape.
    Your handed a curse, destination worse!
    No forwarning, no pre breif, an act that
    sows the seed of grief.
    Grim reaper poised to shut me up.
    One, two where coming for you.
    The haunting sound of men allowed
    by themselves.
    They claimed my body though untoward.
    They knew, they sort to nail this one.
    I felt the nail
    I felt the hammer
    horizontal crucifixion
    broke my me
    darkness fell upon my eyes
    I saw who I didn't want to see!
    Like a barbed hook piercing me
    there's no going backwards it just
    damages me more.
    Forwards has me pass out to the floor.
    I'm tired of all this filing.
    I'm tired of feeling life is so
    unbearably frightening.
    Make it stop once & for all!
     
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  8. Survivor

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    Stealth like silence
    Steady as she goes
    her demeanour is encrypted
    her plan is in morse code
    Don't you read between the lines?
    Don't you get what I say
    the actual is far worse
    the history books capture
    only the verse
    Rest not, does she who holds
    herself in shreds
    with a patch upon her heart
    her life once taken for granted
    begins to fall apart.
    shhhh in her sleeps a lions heart
    Only lions threatened with a gun,
    are being striped of courage.
    She lay herself down in fright
    they will come for her tonight
     
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  9. Survivor

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    A stark contrast
    She functions till the last
    Only she also fills her days
    with chaotic plans
    To keep her busy
    To include fleeing
    Her next departure awaits
    Only panic & distress
    make travel I final act
    Each time she leaves she
    strongly believes she won't come back.
    The first night away is worst
    Once she dare let go of her consciousness
    Her psyche is triggered
    What will be happening when you come around?
    It starts in the heart, it freezes the rational
    It casts her into an unbearable state
    She's neither alive not dead
    She's gripped by terror instead
    Why does she do this to her self?
    She's defiant, she's trying to be free
    She knows the torture awaiting her
    Disaccociating of the cruelest kind
    Terror causes her to detach a detached
    State.
    Environment alien, folk around her strangers.
    She's alone in a strange place & then the
    flashbacks begin.
    Like a nightmare within a nightmare
    There is no where to ground too.
    The fleeing & escaping takes her to a different
    form of hell.
    But being a stranger in a strange land
    Feels like she has run away
    Only trouble is each time she leaves
    makes it harder to return home.
    For when away, home feels like an
    Island occupied by trauma.
    Then trauma shouts "I will follow you"
    "I'm in your nervousness system"
    She has the most intense revenge
    she sets upon herself.
    Only she is the nervous system that
    houses all the pain.
    Remind me why I am still alive again?
    I'm my own history book & I can't be
    deleted.
    I need to capture her in pen
    & then she will BE.
    Maybe then when she is safely
    illustrated, I can set her free.
    She holds on to the records
    She holds on to the facts
    She holds on to the parts of her
    That she left in all these places.
    She dreams of houses everywhere
    with belongings she once had.
    She dreams of all the challenges
    to get back to them.
    And when she does there's too much
    Blood to negotiate
    The rooms are full of torture
    Her belongs are a clue
    She clothes that she was wearing
    The items she possessed.
    Only thing with recovering them
    Is someone else possesses her too.
    They collectively reach out
    first hand to gag, second to re-enact,
    third to seal, forth to steal, fifth to
    suffocate the truth, sixth to remind you
    there bound to you, seventh to make you
    believe your mad, eighth to remind you
    of what they had, ninth to shame,
    tenth to mimic your "going isane"
    Eleventh to claim they are all linked,
    twelfth to shut you up with sheer numbers.
    Twelfth now is a dozen reasons why you
    should never live. As your mortality is
    all you own, but wait who makes you feel
    at risk, the ones whose seed was sown.
    Your reaping all that they have sown.
    This reaping is grim he's tricking you.
    No, no, no, the pain I'm in is worthy of
    release!
    DON'T tell me there are different ways.
    This will never become a fact, for as long
    as I am the only "matter of fact".
    My matter doesn't matter, it's all
    going wrong.
    My matter is fading.
    But never the facts.
    So it can exist without me?
    I'm not convinced
    If I was, I think I would have
    escaped by now.
    So the truth is what keeps me alive,
    I just wish I didn't have to see, hear or feel
    It so vividly.
    That it could be something that shrinks into my
    past.
    It can't while I hold on to in tight
    Like its the darkness & yet my only light.
    "you are the light'
    "You always are"
    Oh yeah how can that be when I feel like I'm lost
    in the dark.
    Your daughters would say "The light house doesn't see the light,
    It's too busy shining so others can be safe tonight"
    No!! Delete I can't compute, if I was helpful I would have managed by now!
    "You would if you didn't feel, you would if you didn't care, you would if you
    could have lied & denied. But your truth has become your guiding light"
    "Your truth is the oil, your wick your strength, the flame comes form the
    love & light in your life".
    Ok stop! Enough! I won't hear another word.
    Your complements don't fit, with someone who doesn't exist.
    "I'm nothing but a painful record, etched with abuse, played by the needle of time.
    I can't keep going around & around. I did nothing wrong, yet I pay the price, the greatest
    affliction to the living, spared by those who loose their life. Murdered is over, raped is
    repeated on a loop, one that couldn't have been made, had it not threatened your life.
    No consent, takes lives!!!!
    But your forced to live them
    my running away, dreams of a possibility, that doing so anonymously gets a fresh start.
    Only dilemma is the mind full of memories that can't be reset.
    Full circle & no exit yet.
     
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  10. Survivor

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    Dear me,
     
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