Rape Forgiving??????????????

Discussion in 'Mental & Emotional' started by Survivor, Nov 15, 2004.

  1. Survivor

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    Nov 15, 2004
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    You havn't done anything
    We survived didn't we
    If you hadn't locked us
    away, we wouldn't have
    been able to carry on
    But we did because you
    made us into new people.
    Now you use that skill to
    help other children.
    Would you blame them for
    what happened to them?
    Yes we have all been
    abused & we all
    had our own individual
    ways to cope with it
    We are sorry you
    have had to see so
    many horrible pictures
    But now you believe
    your 15 year old
    We all want you
    to believe in us too
    We are all the truth
    and it means so much
    to you because you
    are our truth combined
    Only right now you
    can't put us all together
    Because if you did it
    would put us all at risk.
    We notice your fear
    We notice your tear
    We are sorry you
    feel so splintered.
    But we didn't break you
    We were all broken
    We were all silenced
    We are not mad
    But what happened
    to us was.
    We know this is confusing
    you, having to realise all
    we saw, heard & felt.
    We know each other
    but can't speak to each
    other at the moment.
    But we can't hold on
    to our stories for much
    We thought you might have
    broken down by now.
    It would be better if you
    Your pushing yourself
    frightens us.
    We know the thoughts
    you can't share.
    Have you found someone
    to tell yet?
    We really think you need
    to soon!
    We promise not to
    threaten you anymore.
    You must understand
    we thought you
    we're ignoring us.
    Don't ignore us!
    We know you
    struggle to understand
    what we need.
    But it is simple
    We need to be believed.
    This is why we
    are going to calm down
    like sleeping lions.
    We don't want you
    to look or sound
    We know this is
    your core feeling
    when you fall
    When you dream
    & when you wake.
    We have been coming
    to you in your sleep
    because we thought
    it would be less
    frightening for you
    But we know now
    that when you wake
    you don't know how
    old you are or what
    day it is or who is
    hurting you.
    We will leave you
    But don't ignore us!
    We won't forget
    our life stories
    We all have ours
    If you could only
    find someone to
    help us share our
    But we know why
    you are frightened too.
    So let's stop this now
    Let's put away
    all these pieces
    around your head.
    Let's put them
    in the pyjama case
    the white rabbit
    one with all
    your other
    memory items
    Zip it up
    & cover your
    eyes with the ears
    and it's locked again
    like we all used
    to do.
    We are safe again
    your taught us well
    see you always
    gave us a plan.
    Now rest in
    your special place
    where no one
    can find you
    We promise if
    you take us there
    we won't make a
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  2. Survivor

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    Nov 15, 2004
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    We are 16024 days old today!
    How many days did we think we
    wouldn't make it?
    Or that someone close to us
    wouldn't make it?
    Our days have primarily been
    full of fear & then there are the
    days that we relive.
    Days so extraordinarily more
    frightening than the others.
    The days that ripped into our body,
    ripped into our mind & have occupied
    us ever since.
    Yet we made another life for us
    when left to manifest, create &
    design. We have made beauty,
    innocence & hope live through us.
    We have never let the hand of those
    who hurt us, turn our hands to
    hurt another. Our hands hold, cherish
    heal, support, cradle & guide children.
    We still have love in our heart.
    We had love in our heart when we
    thought the hand of those abusing
    us would make that heart stop.
    It didn't!
    We didn't survive to die
    We will all hold hands
    and face our abusers
    1 by 1
    Broken, shattered &
    splintered is the Opal
    on my hand.
    It is still beautiful
    & you can smash a
    precious stone & it
    will only every make
    more precious stones.
    We are all precious
    You can't break the
    precious out of me!
    I am pulling myself
    back together.
    I am a truth
    warrior & my
    truth is immortal!
    It's my shield
    I don't need a sword
    I think this is what you
    call a come back
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  3. Survivor

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    Nov 15, 2004
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    Unbearable mental pain
    With no A & E
    Unbearable mental pain
    With no pain relief
    Unbearable mental pain
    On a waiting list
    Unbearable mental pain
    engulfs me to the point
    of claustrophobia
    In my realisation
    that I am the one in all my
    worst nightmares
    A panic has me
    like a dread so realised.
    You are the dread.
    Your life is the dread.
    There's only so much
    you can take.
    Like a labour in isolation
    only a labour ends
    & a new life is born.
    My processing
    has lead me to a
    cliff in my head.
    I denied all
    the trauma in my life
    & my reward is I get
    it all as a reality
    I never wanted &
    don't now.
    I can't disaccociate
    It's like living without
    an emergency hover
    Only living is not my
    current state
    I'm emersed in
    a sea of trauma
    with no one
    I have certainly
    lost sight of
    I have no ship
    to shore.
    If I didn't I couldn't
    use it.
    I can't afford to be
    in this sea, it would
    be like a tsunami
    crashing over me.
    I need to make this
    go away.
    I need to conceal its
    But my beam me up
    is not functioning &
    I feel like the button I
    keep pressing to activate
    it is shocking my body
    with the most horrendous
    emotional charge.
    My skin is crawling
    every part of me on edge
    like a hullicination
    that would have you
    chopping of your head.
    Only this is not a trick of
    the mind.
    It's a trauma video of the truth
    only now it doesn't just play on loop.
    It's not just freeze framing when it wants.
    It's linking all the other films
    the ones where I am mute.
    It's virtual reality with sensors
    over ever ounce of me.
    I relive the touch, the sound, the smell,
    the temperature, the hostile air,
    the textures I can feel.
    Only this time I allow myself to accept its
    all real.
    Like a revelation jolting through my body
    then & now.
    My body doesn't feel like it's mine anymore
    I squirm like every creep is crawling over me
    none wait for their turn.
    They laugh a theme that makes me sick
    I just want to scream.
    Burn my flesh!
    Let me scrub me clean!
    bleach my insides!
    cauterise my mouth!
    dig out my eyes!
    numb my brain!
    PTSD stop strumming
    my pain!
    I'm in my battle field alone
    Still fighting off these men.
    Another shunt
    another shiver
    That's my body
    that's my fear
    what man ignores
    a child's tear?
    Stop, No
    the words ignored
    my mind severed me
    from them like a sword
    only now they have
    the upper hand
    they know more
    than I can ever understand.
    Only now I dare myself to
    remember I get the flash
    the light literally on.
    No wonder I can't stand
    the strobe lights.
    The sound of them clicking on
    the buzz of electricity
    I can see the voltage used
    because I didn't want to see
    who else was with me.

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  4. Survivor

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    Nov 15, 2004
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    Why does it take me so long to come out about abuse?

    It's petrifying
    My abuse is in my nervous system
    You relive it when you take a peep
    Enough to make you never speak
    it involved facing ones death!
    In more ways than one.
    It felt like the whole community knew
    It felt like the adults around me knew
    It happened over months
    It involved different people
    It was done by criminals
    It was done by a group
    My silence was a form of control
    My denial was a form of control
    My mortality is a form of control
    It's like being implanted with a programme
    that can kill you anytime the administer chooses
    Only there are so many implanted programs firing
    off in my head, saying the same thing
    I can't silence them.
    I can't make them stop.
    The most frightening feeling is
    being locked up.

    Why does it take so long to come out about abuse?

    Sexual abuse is emotional abuse, physical abuse &
    psychologically damaging. With PTSD it just happened
    it's not registered in my brain as past. It's a daily threat
    that I will relive it again. Suppress it and you don't get
    to see so much.
    Open up & it gets everywhere.
    Open up & it doesn't fit anywhere

    I'm buried alive in this head
    Won't somebody dig me out
    because I spoke out
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  5. Survivor

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    Nov 15, 2004
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    I hear the ticking of the clock
    I'm lying here the rooms pitch black
    The hands of time falls through my mind
    The world doesn't exist outside
    It's me against these rampaging men
    My throat is stuck it's caving in
    I hold my breath
    I dare not take another
    My face feels like it's smothered
    My eyes sealed shut
    I sense a threat
    My body no longer relative
    My mind in a frenzied state
    A panic room surrounds me
    I'm shackled to the earth below
    No chains needed when you
    have no where to go
    Tied down on a railway track
    The oncoming train knocks me back
    The impact splits my life in two
    One has left! one is dying!
    There is no one in the world
    to protect me
    No one will find all the pieces
    strewn across this floor
    I'm a rag doll staring at her stuffing
    now it's been torn & split apart
    Acts like these
    should have stopped my heart
    Memories not deleted before they start
    Oranges & lemons says the bells of
    st clement, chop, chop, chop of my head
    I don't want to remember
    I don't want to see, feel or be
    I'm lying here the rooms pitch black
    Then in the shadows they appear
    Horror sweeps over my skin
    I can't stop them breaking in
    My muscles won't work
    My insides are evaporating
    I don't try to hold on
    I want to disappear
    I don't want to exist
    But they have ideas they still persist
    They muted me once
    They muted me twice
    Now it's my breath he
    takes in his stride
    Aberfan rape
    The coal slide the men
    I'm trapped underneath
    I've caved in
    I can't breath
    I can't clear my throat
    There are bodies around me
    And they won't get off
    I'm contorted & snapped
    into place
    I have no dignity
    I am tarred with their disgrace
    I'm fading away
    Please let me go
    You've mad into a shape
    That will never fit again
    Smash me into particles
    and let me leave on the sea breeze
    make me apart of that wave
    Let this storm claim my life &
    at the breaking of day
    let me pass away
    I didn't return
    I never went home
    I'm stuck in that hell
    that torture room
    The fibres of the tiles
    are under my nails
    I'm limp & lifeless
    I can't ever escape
    the incident that sealed my fate
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  6. Survivor

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    Nov 15, 2004
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    Trauma has no off switch
    That's the point
    Manic women locked away
    repeating the sins against them every day
    They where not mad
    They where traumatised
    A state reached by extreme terror
    A synapse scar
    An attack taken too far
    My judgement is to blame say some
    My 1st brain judged it as an immenant risk to life
    My 2nd brain judged it to be emotionally impossible
    My 3rd brain didn't judge it at all - I judged me instead
    I can't change the judgment day
    I can't change the judgement of brain 1 or 2 because they register FACT
    Trauma doesn't make it to the thinking brain
    I can't think myself out of Trauma
    I will always seek to smooth the synapse scars I have
    I will always seek to process as much trauma as I can
    I will always sow love & light in the life of others
    I must learn how to sow more of it into mine I
    I'm not bitter about my trauma's I am coming to terms
    with the fact they will never go away
    I'm not running from them
    Packing them up or denying them
    I am not my trauma's
    I live despite them
    Only some days it feels like they are
    crucifying me
    I'm not stuck on repeat by choice
    I'm prepared to see them as many times
    as my mind needs to, in order to make them
    into an orderly past
    this is my way
    I am courageously ploughing through the
    trauma that so nearly exstinguished my life
    no wonder it feels like it could again at anytime
    It's a dangerous synapse pathway to follow
    Don't judge my walk through it as unnecessary
    or a choice I need not make.
    In the trauma there are parts of me I need
    back, I'm not settling for a half me.
    I know a number of men hold answers I will never
    But I hold answers I never wanted to ever have.
    Because doing so means I couldn't deny who the
    X men are & what they have all done.
    I'm so ashamed of what they did to me
    If they had felt ashamed they wouldn't of done it
    I'm not holding their shame for them any more.
    I'm going to give it back to them one at a time!
    I'm not threatening them, I'm not doing it for them.
    I'm doing it for me!
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  7. Survivor

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    Nov 15, 2004
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    A trip to London
    Anonymous I became
    Took in a show
    I was away from so many triggers
    The Queeen's theatre stage
    light poised
    I dreamed a dream sung
    No one else in that space existed
    My nervous system tuned into lyrics
    I'm on a different land my seat
    made me notice wear I was
    Only my body had been triggered
    and I can't move, I can't get out
    The theatre shrink wraps around my
    I want to scream I want to shout
    Tears roll down my cheeks instead
    I suddenly loose a grip on why I'm in this
    space & place
    A panic grips my throat & runs through
    my veins.
    I can't speak, I can't raise an alarm
    I'm stuck in a performance with those on stage
    the audience don't get it they don't see the connection
    I've made yet the emotion they feel from the performance
    makes me feel less unwell
    Maybe others resonate with this art
    Then the performers from though the ages
    seem to grace my sense of this place
    I see the actors eliciting a feeling that by virtue
    of the role as audience you never get to disclose
    It moved me
    It moved something in me
    It frightened me that in my attempt to escape
    The hell of home
    Hell had found me & the fact I was away made
    feel detached from any calm existance
    Hell I didn't exist at all
    Then I gain a craving to be homeless
    to have no fixed abode
    To wander idol babbling all that is in my head
    letting go of the madness of looking like I cope
    When inside I am screaming like a banshee
    alerting everyone to my death
    A homeless mess no need for a name
    Camden Town a place to rest
    anonymous existance
    would it break me from my past?
    It's a new kind of denial
    It's a great fail
    No one would see my fall
    No one would see from where I fell
    I loose my back stories
    They die & I don't
    I build up a new life
    A new place
    I loose all that I have
    It's no loss I gain
    I would be me
    with no ball & chain
    Wait PTSD is haunting me
    it would follow me
    Is this where I become an addict
    To block the pictures out
    Sedate my nervous system
    no need for it to stay alert
    I'm broken already
    They took my childhood in
    their stride
    & they where gone when Autumn
    Only my life is not lived in seasons
    unless I prompt one to fall
    I need an Autumn to rid me
    of every leaf
    I need a winter to freeze my brain
    I need a spring to be born again
    I need a summer to make me feel alive
    I dreamed a dream in time gone by

    But the tigers come at night
    With their voices soft as thunder
    As they tear your hopes apart
    As they turn your dreams to shame

    Is it no wonder I want my life
    to match my insides
    I'm in a palace on the outside
    When inside I feel like the sewers
    There was something in
    Les Miserables
    That acknowledged my misery
    when I have spent a life time
    putting on an act
    That it didn't hurt
    & if I insist it didn't
    hurt it didn't exist
    I still deny my pain
    what ever it may be
    If you disconnect from
    the pain you disconnect from the act
    which caused it & it stops it really happening
    Only the pain built up this weekend
    While away in costa coffee picaddily
    down stairs & I feel the room shrink wrap me
    I am in so much pain, discomfort, interfered with,
    Awkward aches & I want to scream out what
    these men are doing to me & I can't
    it's too late it's decades to late.
    Then images fill my mind and it's like witnessing
    child abuse & your so stunned you can't speak
    Only you are the child & the pain is your abuse
    screaming at you.
    I could imagine running into a polic station or A & E
    explaining it all. It would have been as though it just
    Only it did, but it didn't.
    I'm feeling then, now yet have no then, now.
    I'm stuck in a trauma time machine
    Only I can't find a date & time to go back too that
    precedes it.
    Worse I am flitting back to so many dates, times & traumas
    I feel like an episode of quantum leap with no holographic
    advisor & the body I end up in is me just at different ages
    damn I need to short circuit my nervous system
    because I hit override so long ago
    I ain't going to become catatonic this time.
    I just time shifted to have a weekend off & got lost in my head
    I can see why people want to blow their head off
    How else do you destroy a robot on repeat
    Severe the computer from the body and all memory is
    Or disappear without a trace?
    Why post this at all? I need to post it out of head.
    These thought trains make me so nervous & panicked
    I need to park them somewhere.
    I'm running out of car parking spaces in here.
    In fact I get the feeling that I will soon be banned from
    car parking or ban myself for fear of being or sounding like
    a typical kinda person.
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